Dealing With Marriage Separation Pain: How To Cope With Separation From Your Husband

I sometimes hear from wives who aren't sure what to do with themselves when they are struggling with their feelings during a trial separation. Often, they miss their husband so much that they can think about little else. But they often intuitively know that acting on this is not really in their best interest. They don't want to seem desperate or out of control. But, they are often not sure how to stay in control when the overwhelming feelings come.

I heard from a wife who said: "we've only been separated for two weeks. But already, I'm struggling. I miss my husband more than I can express. Almost every waking thought that I have is about him. I'm having trouble concentrating at work. I constantly want to call or text him. Sometimes, I have to literally sit on my hands. I find myself pacing all of the time. How do I get control of myself when these feelings come? Because I feel as if I am not in control." I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Sometimes, You Just Have To Force Yourself To Think About Or Do Something Else:

I know how difficult this is. I have been there and I went through some very dark days. I know that sometimes you feel as if you are going to crawl out of your skin. I know that during this time hearing his voice feels like the cure. But I'm sure that you also know that if you show him this, it reads as desperate and that can hurt your chances of saving your marriage.

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So it is very important that you don't give into temptation and call too much or to come on too strong. It can feel as if you have no control over your urge to call or text, but this isn't literally true. You have to force yourself not to give into it until it passes. I found it helpful to force myself to do things that required my undivided attention. I would chose things that required a lot of concentration so that it wasn't possible for my thoughts to drift. I took very difficult classes at school so that I literally had to put in a lot of time, which left less time for me to dwell on the separation.

I also eventually realized that if I was going to distract myself on a regular basis, that I should chose distractions that enhanced my life and increased my chances of saving my marriage. So I took up exercising. When missing my husband felt overwhelming, I would jog, do yoga, or ride my bike. Sometimes, I would literally be dragging my feet on the way out the door, but once the endorphins would hit me, I began to feel some relief.

Make Sure You're Not Unintentionally Isolating Yourself:

It's very normal to not to want to be around people when you are going through this difficult time. You often will just want to be by yourself. You worry that people will ask you about your husband, your marriage, or the separation and then the waterworks are going to start.

So I do understand why it sometimes seems easier to just stay home. But in my experience this is mistake. Because when you are isolated, everything feels magnified and you don't have perspective. But when you are other caring people, your attention is diverted and you feel more supported.

What if your spouse already left you? Here's how to get them back.

Choose Who You Surround Yourself With Carefully:

Sometimes, good friends can help you to stop living in your own head. That said, you have to choose these friends carefully. You may not want to choose the friend who just got engaged or who can't stop talking about how happy she is in her new relationship. Nor do you want the bitter friend who has just gone through a divorce and who is going to tell you to just accept that it's over.

You want friends who are willing to listen when you need it and who are willing to just have fun with you without a lot of discussion. Frankly, when I started going out with my friends again, I suddenly became a lot more interesting to my husband. I think that this is because he saw that I respected myself enough to stop moping around and he also saw that I could be upbeat and sociable again. This vastly improved the way that we related to one another and it was one of the turning points in saving our marriage.

So to answer the question posed, I advocate doing anything that will distract you and lift you up. This is going to be different activities for different people. I know someone who read almost non stop during her separation. When her husband lived with her, she never made time for recreational reading. So she used that time to her advantage and this made the time bearable for her. This wouldn't work for me because my thoughts were all over this place and I couldn't concentrate enough to read for recreation.

But I could put one foot in front of the other to run. So you may have to experiment to find what works for you. But don't give up. Keep moving forward and surround yourself with people, activities and things that give you comfort and make you feel more positive. Because doing so will often not only make you feel better, it will also not be lost on your husband and it might improve your situation.

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Why is it that we have no problem lounging around in our favorite sweatpants (with the hole in the knee) and our favorite threadbare T-shirt (with the rip in the sleeve) in front of our spouse/partner, but if our friends/co-workers were on the way over, we'd change into something "decent" in a quick hurry? Now I'm not suggesting we throw away our comfortable clothes (I love those sweatpants!), but I am suggesting we look at the curious differences between how hard we try to get most people to like us, and how many of us in long-term relationships have stopped trying that hard where our spouse/partner is concerned.

Part of the reason we might be comfortable "any old way" in front of our spouse/partner is due to that feeling of comfort we build after knowing that other person for a while, after feeling secure that they love us, "warts and all." That's a good thing, and should be celebrated. But let's look at another reason we may not care so much about putting our best foot forward for our mate: we don't feel we need to anymore.

Does your spouse/partner still like you?

When you were first dating, you weren't only aware of desire for that special someone-you were aware of whether or not you liked him/her (and whether those feelings of like were returned). Like is a grossly overlooked aspect of long-term romantic relationships, and the missing ingredient for many couples who report they've "fallen out of love" with their partners or that they love their mate, but are no longer "in love" with them.

You have no trouble making sure your friends like you and want to hang out with you. Now how about maintaining that for your most important relationship, your intimate relationship?

What if your spouse don't love you anymore? Here's how to get them addicted to you like when you fell in love for the first time

marriage alert: When you stop liking your spouse/partner

When a marriage/relationship becomes distressed, it can feel as if you still love your spouse or partner but that you're not "in love" with him/her any longer. I've observed a pattern for some of these couples that might be summarized as:

While I still may love you, I'm pretty sure I don't like you anymore."

Falling out of like with your spouse/partner can pose a significant challenge to your relationship. When you like someone, you want to be around that person and spend as much time as possible with him/her-and the opposite is true when you no longer like someone.

Couples who no longer like one another:

1. Avoid each other whenever possible;
2. Experience more negative emotions when together;
3. Become less tolerant of each other's foibles;
4. Pull back emotionally and stop sharing the deepest parts of themselves with one another;
5. Can begin to feel trapped in the marriage or relationship.

Marriage advice: Commit to increasing your likability quotient

For many couples, continuing to act in ways that will keep like alive doesn't fall under the commitment umbrella. This should change: after all, don't you want your partner to continue to like you?

For a moment, think back to when you first starting dating your spouse/partner. In this "wooing" stage, you probably acted in ways to make your new love-interest like you (with the goal of capturing her/his love). You understood the importance and power of getting your partner to like you.

Marriage help: It's time to set up a Maintenance Likability Plan.

Your plan should be to keep the likability factor alive and well. This doesn't have to be a complicated, exhausting process. In fact, the simpler, the better. To create a personalized likability plan for your marriage or relationship, ask yourself the following:

What did you do early on in the relationship that helped you woo your partner?

What is your partner drawn to about you and does s/he still find these traits appealing? (If you're uncertain about this, ask him/her).

Reflect on these questions-your responses will give you important information that can guide you. For instance, if one of the things your partner was drawn to was your sense of humor (and over the years of domesticity, this has been lost), then you can take necessary steps to bring humor back into the relationship mix.

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We tried everything; couples counseling, individual counseling and still it looked like divorce was inevitable. So if you are wondering "How do I save my marriage?" there is a secret to save your marriage that works even when counseling fails. It worked for me and my wife and has worked for literally thousands of other couples when it seemed hopeless! Please read this because I don't want you to miss this important information!

My guess is that if you are reading this you feel like you have reached that point where you need an answer soon, because this just can't continue! So I'm not going to offer counseling or marital strategies, because quite honestly, I am not a counselor. I'm just a regular person who was in a really awful marriage and my wife had told me she wanted out. My intention is to share with you what I learned so you can quickly do something about it and save your marriage the way the rest of us did.

What if your spouse already left you? Here's how to get them back.

Here is what I found out that you need to know: traditional marriage counseling only has about a 20% success rate! That's right you read that correctly! And often times these people call themselves doctors! Would you choose a doctor knowing that he or she only had about a 20% success rate with patients? Not me! No wonder the divorce rate is so high!

Here is something else I found out that you need to know: there are some very common critical mistakes that people facing divorce nearly ALWAYS make. These mistakes practically guarantee that the marriage will not succeed. In fact, they make the problem worse. You need to know what these mistakes are and how to avoid them!

And finally, there is a step-by-step approach that will show you how to get out of your emotional state and put yourself in a much more effective and resourceful state. It will teach you what to do, what to say and how to act towards your spouse that if followed properly, will practically guarantee your success!

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Does marriage ruin a relationship?

Some people ask this question considering that Christian divorce rates are almost as high as non-Christian divorce rates. I would say no to that question. But I would question if the couple was prepared for marriage in the first place.

A lot of people enter the marriage relationship with their own jaded, unrealistic perceptions that marriage will be wonderful with no effort. I beg to differ.

Marriage takes work!

And if you're not willing to put forth the effort, you could find yourself in divorce court.

I can't understand why Christian marriages fail as much as non-Christian marriages.

I say this because we have access to Christian marriage basics and resources such as:

• A true and living God we can talk to on a consistent basis and get direction from. He also created marriage, He loves marriage, loves His people, wants marriages to work, and hates divorce.

• The Bible - which is the ultimate road map for experiencing a strong, healthy marriage relationship. It also includes Bible verses about marriage problems

• A ton of Bible based resources such as Christian marriage books, DVD's, marriage conferences and other items to help us improve our marriages

• The Holy Spirit who will show us how to make the marriage work. But with all of these options, Christian marriages still fail at alarming rates.

Why?

Some causes of conflict in marriage include: adultery, money problems, a difference in goals; and others fail due to a lack of resilience.

The ultimate reason for divorce is due to selfishness on one or both parts.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

Often, people just give up too quickly.

What about you? Do you ever feel like giving up on your marriage?

Oftentimes we struggle in marriage and tend to give up because we think our husbands should live to meet our needs. In fact, many women feel they deserve to get their needs met simply because they're married.

Maybe you're not happy with your husband or maybe you're hurt and disgusted with him. Maybe you're resentful because your husband's actions continue to disappoint you.

But here are some questions for you:

1. Have you ever thought about what your husband really wanted from you or the marriage relationship?
2. Have you ever considered whether or not you've disappointed your husband?
3. Do your goals, dreams, and comfort take priority over your husband's needs?

If you answered "Yes" to at least one or more of the previous questions, then you may suffer from "selfishness."

I'm not saying that as wives we should expect nothing from our husbands. It's important to have goals and realistic expectations for your marriage. But when you enter the marriage relationship, your ultimate goal as a Christian woman is to honor and worship God first. Then you should desire to honor your husband by giving him love and respect God says he deserves. Your husband should do the same, but ultimately only he can be responsible for doing this. You can't make him. You can only be responsible for your behavior.

Are you willing to do your part to make your marriage work? If so:

• Understand that marriage will take some work on your part
• Learn to consider your husband's needs over yours. As a result, God will make sure your needs are ultimately met.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

Author's Bio: 

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