Drifting Apart From Husband After Baby: Marriage Falling Apart After Baby

It's supposed to be the happiest time of your life. You are expecting your first baby, and you are looking forward to sharing this moment with the love of your life - your husband. But suddenly he doesn't want to talk to you, he's staying out late, or he's angry or irritated with you all the time. With hormones raging you swing between tears and anger yourself, which only makes matters worse. Suddenly you find yourself alone with your baby and your husband has gone, sometimes for good.

If women and men were aware that pregnancy can bring up not only joyful emotions, but also difficult relationship dynamics and challenging emotions, then they could work during the pregnancy to maintain the bonds of marriage, while adjusting to the arrival of a third person in the relationship. Because really that's what happens, the woman falls in love with someone else and the husband feels rejected and neglected, so seek solace and validation elsewhere. If you are lucky they just throw themselves into work and step into the provider role, if you are unlucky they seek company, friendship and sexual relief with someone else, and unhappiness at home may make them feel that leaving is their only option.

My research suggests that this problematic dynamic is more likely to happen in a longer term relationship - for example, living together or being married for more than 5 years before the baby is born - and the reality is that it's only in the last one or two generations that couples wait so long after marriage to have children. Before the 1960s and 1970s it was a given that if you got married, a baby would follow within a year or two. Also, the dynamics of the husband- wife relationship were rather different than they are these days. The husband went off to work, the wife stayed at home, he had his life and she had her life, and they muddled through together. The 21st century partnership is a much deeper, more intense relationship; where the beloved other is seen as partner, friend and soul mate; rather than just a life companion.

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"I had no idea there was anything wrong until I stopped working at 36 weeks. My husband hated his job and was always disparaging about his workmates, but suddenly he was going out after work, and staying with them all evening, and then crawling home drunk. This had never happened before in 6 years of marriage. With my hormones raging, and my underlying fears of abandonment triggered, I freaked out. The following weekend, the same thing happened and I was in despair. A friend who was a psychologist said that once the baby was born things would go back to normal, but they didn't. I tried talking to him, and then waiting for him to talk to me - but neither approach worked. We tried marriage guidance but he lied to me about his one-to-one session with the therapist and we never went back. I read somewhere that after 10 months the babies became more connected to their caregivers and a separation would be more painful for them after this time, so six months later, when it was clear he wasn't going to talk about what was wrong, or make any effort to fix our marriage, I told him I wanted a divorce. Lucy, Birmingham

The experience of pregnancy is very different for men and women. For women it's a very intimate experience, completely internal and all consuming. For men, while they may be excited about having a baby, there is also fear about this new responsibility, after all babies are rather expensive, especially if the mother wants to stay at home for a while after birth. Becoming a Dad can also bring up unexpected emotions and fears especially if their own relationship with their mother or father isn't great. "What if I'm a lousy father like my dad was?" And the thing that is never talked about is this issue of your beloved, your soul mate, the person who is always there for you and supports and loves only you; well they're just not there for you any more, and even worse their love and attention is focused on someone else. Suddenly the wife is consumed with love for this baby, and you, the Beloved, are coming in second, or barely noticed at all.

Is it really any surprise why emotions like rejection, abandonment and jealousy should arise in some men at this time in their marriage? Friends or relatives saying, 'Well you shouldn't feel like that', isn't helpful. You can't help how you 'feel' about a situation. However, perhaps knowing that this can happen and that it affects some couples more than others is the first step to resolving these problems. Any man is going to feel confused and conflicted if he starts to feel jealous about his own baby. This is supposed to be a wonderful happy time, so why does he feel like this? If he feels angry whenever he gets home and he doesn't know why or when the baby cries and he feels frustrated and miserable, the man may feel that he just doesn't love his wife any more and that having a baby was a terrible mistake. In this confused and conflicted situation, leaving may seem the only way out.

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When you look at it from this perspective, you can see why some men bolt.

When I was pregnant my husband started staying out playing table tennis and drinking with his mates. I suspected he was having an affair and things became really rocky between us. After our son was born I'd lost trust for my husband and we separated and started divorce proceedings. I fell pregnant unexpectedly during our separation, and my husband came back to me and promised he wouldn't do it again with this baby, yet he behaved just the same. It was like he couldn't help himself. We're still married now and have rebuilt things, but it was a terrible time. Toni, Kent

It is possible for you to stay in your marriage and resolve your feelings and repair your marriage and in the long run that's much better than leaving. The pain and suffering separation causes to a wife and child, and the long term repercussions of a divorce, including watching another man bring up your children, or losing contact with them all together, can be avoided by being aware that these problems do exist. Hiding this information under the carpet for fear of 'upsetting people' doesn't help anyone.

If your problems have become severe, or if you have some form of trauma from your own childhood, then some form of marriage guidance, or relationship counselling may be unavoidable. However, being proactive in supporting and maintaining your relationship, with the support of friends or family, may be enough to tide you over this challenging period. The first 3 months are probably the worst time, as lack of sleep and the continual demands of a new born would challenge the patience of a saint! After this time it's important to talk together and try to find common ground in sharing this wonderful experience of being a parent and overcome difficulties between you and your spouse in the same way you would deal with any problems in all the other areas of your life. Talk about how you are coping and suggest solutions to improve connection and intimacy between both parents and most importantly don't deny, dismiss or demean your partner's feelings. If someone is honest enough to admit they are feeling rejected, be grateful that they trust you enough to share this with them.

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In this article, I want to share with you some marriage life tips that I think will be of immense benefit to you. Marriage is something that is special and should be cherished at all costs. If you're a married person, then you know how the demands of married life can weigh down on you. This is why in this article, you will learn about some marriage life tips that you can use to make your marriage last over the long run.

If you didn't already know, the divorce rate in America is over 50%. Why the divorce rate is this high I have no idea, but it means something. It means that the idea of marriage isn't taken as seriously as it used to be before. In the past, marriage was all about family time and spending quality time together. Now it's all about money and deceit.

To make your marriage last, spend lots of quality time with your loved one. Schedule date nights that you-two can go on so that you can reignite the spark that used to be there in your relationship. Or instead of going out on a date, have a candlelit dinner at home and set the scene for a romantic evening out.

Another thing that you can do is to cook dinner together. When was the last time you spent quality time with your loved one while making something awesome? After dinner is created, be sure to sit down at the family table and enjoy your dinner. Hopefully the kids will be around so that you can increase the bond of the family unit - thereby strengthening your marriage even further.

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Marriage is something that should be cherished from beginning to now (notice I didn't say beginning to end, because there shouldn't be an end in a marriage). There are all sorts of marriage life tips out there that can strengthen your marriage. For example, one thing that you can do is to strengthen your marriage is to give a massage.

Massages are sensual in nature, and can set the mood for intimacy afterwards. Study up on how to give a good back massage to your lover as this will be sure to impress her. If you don't feel comfortable with giving a massage yourself, then hire a masseuse to do it for you.

Simply take your lover to a massage parlor and have the masseuse do their job for you. She will really appreciate this because when you think about it, when was the last time your woman had a good massage? Or even a massage in general? Massages help people to relax, and this is something that I'm sure your lover will appreciate many times over.

These marriage life tips are tips that are sure to improve your marriage starting today. Be sure to use the massage technique right away as your lover will be sure to appreciate this. I've seen someone implement this technique and their relationship got better almost immediately - so you can stand to benefit from this one idea.

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Ridding your relationship of jealousy or creating an environment where it is difficult for jealousy to take root and thrive, is one of the most fundamental decisions you can take towards enhancing love in your relationship.

Having said that, you should know this - a relationship where jealousy thrives cannot be a relationship where love thrives. The choice to rid your relationship of jealousy is the choice to create an environment in which love can thrive and become manifest.

We have all heard it said too many times - I am jealous because I love you.

Well, that may be an honest perception but that is all it is - a perception. Because the truth is love cannot exist where jealousy is pervasive.

Not getting rid of jealousy severely limits your own capacity to even appreciate the love that you are so desperately looking for. This is so because you are seeing most things coming from your partner with eyes of suspicion.

So how can you embrace something you are not able to appreciate or see correctly? You just cannot.

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So if you harbor this mistaken view of the jealousy you are feeling in your relationship as somehow being as a result of loving your partner so much, get rid of it. It is neither true nor healthy.

Making a conscious choice to get rid of the jealousy itself is a much better approach rather than finding empty excuses for it such as the one above.

Love needs an environment of security to make itself manifest. Jealousy creates an environment that is opposite to this. If you are going to feel insecurity in your relationship then you clearly are going to be focused on feeling more secure.

Doesn't that make sense? It is a basic human trait - where a threat arises, the natural tendency is either to engage that threat or flee from it. If your faculties are constantly involved in either fleeing from or engaging the threat, how are they to now at the same time find it possible to give, receive or engage in love?

Do you understand how critical it is to your own happiness to get rid of jealousy from your relationship? Any other choice is really a choice to not experience real love and to continue in a state of muted misery at best.

So, you are not going to make a conscious choice to choose not to love. But conscious or not, once you make the choice to not get rid of jealousy this is the type of environment you are creating for your relationship - jealousy will thrive and love will not.

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It's easy to blame! It's harder to resist. But when we resist blaming others for our circumstances and calamities, we get the benefits of identifying with Christ and remaining in charge of ourselves.

Blame interferes with conforming to Christ because it impedes sanctification. Sanctification is a big word that involves being cleansed, purified and set apart, as well as set in use for God's exclusive benefit. We were created for God. We were taken from God when we decided to sin. Jesus paid the price to buy us back. Now that we are here, we need to be washed up and cleansed of sin and its residue.

Suffering gives God greater access to our hearts. This enables cleansing to take place, if we permit. Proverbs 20:30 reads,

"Blows that hurt cleanse away evil, As do stripes the inner depths of the heart."

We cannot restore, clean, nor heal ourselves as New Age Thinking and Pop Psychology suggest. Without God's Holy Spirit, we cannot even know the truth concerning our own heart!

"Who can understand his errors? Cleanse me from secret faults." (Psalm 19:12)

"The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it? "(Jeremiah 17:9)

God is truth. He desires truth in our innermost parts. This inevitably will make us like Him. And this is His goal-that we will be like Him! Psalm 51:6 reads,

"Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom."

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God's Holy Spirit is responsible for revealing the true condition of our heart to us. This includes disclosing our motives. John 16:13 reads,

"However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come."

In reality then, no one can judge your heart (or mine) except for God and you. You are the only human being that can agree (or not) with what the Holy Spirit reveals to you about you. Yes, God may use others to help you and often does. But to the one bent on conforming to Christ no truth about self is discarded due to whom or the manner it comes.

No doubt people will hurt us. God uses suffering to test the mind and expose our true heart's condition. He also grants us opportunity to consciously and intentionally decide whom we will serve in the presence of pain. It is not like God doesn't already know. He does. Rather, it is that we will know. For to whomever we yield, eventually becomes our master according to Romans 6:16. We need a choice about whom we will serve. And we need this choice often especially those that desire to conform to Christ in all.

The choice as to whether we will serve God, self or Satan is most agonizing when we are hurting and in pain. Suffering can overwhelm us. It can weaken us. It impairs our objectivity. And it can render us fragile and helpless. Suffering is a mental and emotional experience that we must learn to manage. If not, suffering will manage us. When this happens the outcome generally is not good.

Blame prevents our motives from being cleansed and established as pure. Blame is another way of defending ourselves. When we blame and defend ourselves we withhold ourselves from the fine comb of truth. When we do so, all we do is speculate about the purity of our motives. But we really won't know. A Bible Proverb reads,

"All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, But the LORD weighs the spirits." (Proverbs 16:2)

"Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, But the LORD weighs the hearts. (Proverbs 21:2)

The Bible has much to say about us being wise in our own eyes. And I suggest that our wisdom is child's play to the God that knows everything about anything there is to know about! Isaiah 55:8 and 9 adds this,

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts."

Blame is like a "get out of jail free" card in a monopoly game. There is no such card in the deck of the seriously minded Christian! Those that are determined to conform to Christ understand that the process involves disclosing every maligned motive and/or establishing our innocence in that which find most grievous. If the cup of suffering does not pass us, then so let it be. Yet we will let those that had a hand in it off the hook! Jesus speaks,

"Again a second time He went away and prayed, My Father, if this cannot pass by unless I drink it, Your will be done. So, leaving them again, He went away and prayed for the third time, using the same words." (Matthew 26:42, 44).

"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. And they divided His garments and distributed them by casting lots for them." (Luke 23: 34)

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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