How To Be Happy In An Unhappy Marriage: Why Should Unhappy Spouses Stay Married

Most of the time, most of my correspondence comes from a spouse who wants to save their marriage, but who is the only one who feels this way. Sometimes though, I'll hear from either one or both spouses who just aren't happy any longer and who ask me why they should stay married when they know that they are no longer happy together. I often hear things like "we're just at the point where we've both changed and want different things. Why should we stay married when the marriage isn't working for us anymore?" Or, "why should I stay committed to something that isn't making either of us happy? Don't we both deserve to be happy and fulfilled? I just feel like there is more to life than this and I feel stuck."

Of course every one deserves happiness. I would never deny that. But I do have a definite opinion on the previous questions, which I will discuss in the following article.

The Cause Of Your Unhappiness If Often Multi Faceted. Ending Your Marriage May Not Provide The Instant Happiness That You're Hoping For: People often assume that if they cut out the "dead weight" of their marriage or their spouse, then their life will suddenly look a lot different and feel a lot better. And yet, they rarely make any other life altering changes and are usually quite surprised and disappointed when they have to admit that they are still quite miserable.

Often, the source of your unhappiness is quite complex. It's typically not just one thing or one person. It's a combination of all sorts of disappointments, broken dreams, dashed expectations, and coming up short to where you hoped that you would be. It's so easy to project all of this onto the person who is closest to us - our spouse.

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Often we hope that eliminating our spouse will solve our problems. But what will typically happens is that, usually too late, people will realize that they keep repeating the same patterns and behaviors with a different set of people and in different relationships. It's often too late that we realize (several relationships and mistakes down the road) that it wasn't our spouse, it was our place in life, our perceptions, our priorities, and our expectations that were off.

And by ending the marriage without working on any of the other challenges that we're struggling with, we've only created yet another issue or problem without addressing our core obstacles. The truth is, our spouse can and should be the person that we turn to for help with other obstacles in our lives. They are often, though they sometimes shouldn't be, the people we instead turn on as a ready target when things begin falling apart.

Some Reasons People Feel Unhappy In A Marriage: I can't tell you how common it is that I get emails which say something like "I love my spouse, but I'm just not happy. I'm not sure how to fix this, but I'm just miserable and I don't want to keep living like this." Often when I ask the same person what they think it would take to make them feel happy again, they'll say something like "I just want the connection back." Or, "I just want the chemistry again."

They speak of this as though it's some mysterious thing that you either have or you don't and yet it leaves or comes based on luck or the skill of the other person. This perception is so unfortunate. These feelings are present or not based on how much effort, priority, and most of all, quality time that you put into it.

When I ask these same people what they are doing to cultivate the connection and to reinforce the spark, they will often tell me things like "well things are too far gone and too awkward for that." Or, "it just wouldn't work at this point" as though they've left the marriage for dead without first checking it's pulse to confirm that it in fact can not be revived.

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This is so unfortunate. I can tell you first hand and from my research that both spouses almost always want the same thing, although they may not realize it. Everyone wants to feel understood, noticed, appreciated, and special. We all want to know that we matter enough for our spouse to take the time to show us how they feel. We want to feel as though they know us, understand us, and still want to be with us anyway.

And yet, when we shift our focus, time, and efforts, we are disappointed when we don't get what we want, but yet we don't connect the dots that our lack and effort and time is exactly how we, ourselves, have set it up. I firmly believe, and know from my own experience, that if you can change your perceptions and efforts, you will also see a huge change in the feelings.

Changing The Culture Of The Marriage To Change The Feelings That Go Hand And Hand With This: By now, I'm sure you can tell that I firmly believe that if you shift your time, priorities, and perceptions, the feelings will begin to change as well. Often people suspect that this might be true, but they just don't know how to start.

They worry about rejection. They worry that they're going to be the only one who is really trying. They worry that they will put in their best efforts and fail anyway. So sometimes, they will do nothing. Nothing is the worst thing that you can do. Isn't trying a few new things and giving a little more effort worth a try before you make this very life altering decision? That way, if you give it your best efforts and you still see no change, at least you will know that you did all you could. That way, you will have peace when you do reach a decision.

And yes, we form habits in our marriage that can be difficult to break. Changing things up can feel awkward at first. But, this can be worth the effort in a big way. Think for a second about the way that you used to feel when you were dating. You both put in tons of time and effort and were on your very best behavior. And, the feelings that came back were intense, pleasurable, and mutual. And yet, when we are no longer putting in tons of time and effort, we've surprised and disappointed that the feelings change too.

But it doesn't have to be this way. Begin to make small changes. If you want affection, give it. If you want attention and understanding, offer this to your spouse. They will often be pleasantly surprised and begin to reciprocate. As you're both getting more of a payoff, you'll often also give a little more and vice versa. And one day you might wake up to find that the feelings and the happiness are beginning to return.

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If you are reading this article, you and your spouse have probably had a rough time of it. Maybe you have been married for years and cannot remember why you are together; maybe you have only been married for a couple years and are having commitment issues or other problems. The great thing is, there is another option other than divorce for you and your spouse and it is far less expensive, you can save your marriage.

However, there are certain things you must do if you are serious about relighting the fire and it requires the commitment of both of you.

Steps to Making a New Commitment

The first thing that usually happens in a marriage gone south is a breakdown in communication. You have stopped talking, you stop asking each other about your day. Whether this is because you are both too busy or have too many outside things going on, such as children's activities, make an effort to set aside an hour each day where the two of you just talk. You'll be amazed at the results.

Another tip to making your marriage work is to stop worrying about the kids. We all understand that having a child can change the dynamic of a relationship. However, you must remember how the two of you came together initially and separate yourself from the role of being a parent. You both were a couple first.

The third step is start taking care of yourselves again. Whether this applies to physical appearances or eating better, do it, there will be a big change in how you feel about one another. Bring the romance back.

You know what it felt like when you first starting dating, the romantic gestures, you held open doors for her and she had special pet names for you. Bring all of that back! We know that busy schedules can lead to a breakdown in romantic gestures, but make a special effort to do something romantic everyday. You'll stir feelings that have been lost over time.

What if your spouse don't love you anymore? Here's how to get them addicted to you like when you fell in love for the first time

Next, define what is his, hers and ours. Too many times marriages breakdown because one partner feels stifled or feels as if there is a loss of identity. Encourage your partner to take up a hobby that interests them or take a weekend with the girls. Time away to encourage separate interests makes them that much more eager to get home to you.

The sixth step is to always remember to be polite and give feedback to your partner in a courteous way. Being harsh with criticism will make them avoid opening up to you. Instead, try giving constructive criticism and remember to consider their feelings.

Commit to a date night each week. You don't need to spend a lot of money to spend quality time with your spouse. Arrange a picnic or go for a walk, try to do something different to add some adventure and spontaneity to your relationship.

The two next steps are very important. First, commit to doing a yearly evaluation of your marriage. Performance evaluations happen in every other part of our lives, so why not one of the most important pieces, your marriage? Take time, sit down with each other and give open and honest information to your partner, what do you need? What are you happy with? What are you unhappy with? Putting all issues on the table and being honest prevents from holding back issues or keeping feelings bottled up.

Finally, always understand that marriage is a changing thing. Always feel that the contract is up for negotiation. If you are feeling neglected or if you are having bad feelings tell your partner about it. Communication is always the key to a long, happy life together.

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If you are in a stage in your marriage where you are not sure whether your troubled relationship would be able to pass the storm or not, then you basically have two choices in your hands. You could either sit back and do nothing about it, or you could try your best and save the relationship by finding marriage counselor.

Human emotions are some of the most complicated things to deal with. What might have started off as some hurtful feelings can actually turn into anger, rage, panic, distrust and similar emotions that can literally bring a marriage to its knees, finding marriage counselor is perhaps the most rational decision that you can take to help your relationship to a large extent. This is because these extreme emotions that the couple might have started to feel cannot really be dealt with by themselves and if you intend on saving your marriage then it would always be best to ask for help from somebody who is an expert at saving marriages.

A good marriage counselor would help the couple come to terms with the problems that are causing the distress in the relationship and help them address those problems directly. They will also guide the couple with tips and motivations by which they can work on those problems and deal with the severe emotions that they are facing due to the relationship. Do not make the mistake of assuming that you can deal with all the extreme emotions that you are going through by yourself.

Do you want to reawaken a committed and loving relationship in your marriage? There are proven steps that are amazingly powerful that will help you overcome conflicts and breathe life back into your marriage. This is a plan you do not want to pass by. Click here to see the proven steps on how to save your marriage.

So many studies have proven that being married provides a lot of benefits to couples. Mostly, it's the health benefits that are highlighted which can be true. Researches have found that married people are happier, eat better and live longer than those who are not.

Major studies in Europe revealed that marriage lowers the chance of premature death by 15 percent as it helps promote better mental and physical health to couples. This comes from the fact that they take care of each other, normally follow a healthy diet and have more friends. Moving forward, they can expect more rewards in a lasting marriage. But this is possible only if the husband and wife involved are supportive and loving towards each other.

Commitment, according to the researchers, is vital in marriage to make it last and to enable the couples to reap the benefits. By this, it means there's social support readily available to the person compared to when he or she is single.

The commitment involved in marriage is also crucial in promoting better mental health and making the relationship last compared to cohabitation. Couples who are only in a cohabiting relationship do not often end up together.

What the researchers point out is that when two people are committed in their marriage, they enjoy great support emotionally. They can gain support not only from each other but from a network of other relationships.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

On the other hand, a study covering married Americans has found that being in love with your partner is still possible even after tying knot for long years. A survey of 274 couples showed that 48 percent claimed to still be very intensely in love with their spouses, a little over 13 percent said they were intensely in love while 16 percent were very in love with their partners.

The study found that although the sweetness went down for couples who were married 10 to 20 years, the level increased among couples together for 20 years or longer.

Again, commitment plays a major role in keeping couples together for long years. With tolerance, patience, respect and love for each other, there's a sure chance that married people can strengthen their bond moving forward regardless of the trials that may come along in their life.

In these times when the rate of divorce is still high, it's important for couples to nurture their marriage and exert more effort to make their family intact no matter what. It still feels great to be married and have a happy family as your grow old. And you can only achieve this if the two of you work on your relationship.

Keep in mind that marriage involves a husband and a wife which means that it's not only one who should work to make the relationship work. Cliché as it may seem, it takes two to tango so if you're truly in love with each other, do not forget to respect your partner and do your share in making the marriage last. If you have children, all the more that you should work hard on it.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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