How To Make My Husband Understand My Feelings: My Husband Makes No Attempt To Understand My Feelings

The vast majority of people that I hear from do not feel understood or heard by their spouse. I find that many folks do not comprehend just how serious of a problem this might be. Sure, no one is perfect at communicating or at reading someone else's clues. And sure, all marriages can withstand a few misunderstandings. But if you go through your life, and through your marriage, for any significant period of time feeling constantly misunderstood, this can't help but have a huge impact on your marriage and how you feel about it. This can be true even if your spouse is sincerely trying to understand, but just can't. But it's even more true if your spouse appears to be making no effort whatsoever to try to understood you. It can make you question if he thinks that you are not important enough or not even worth the effort.

For example, I wife might think: "why doesn't my husband even make the slightest effort to understand me anymore? When we were dating, it was like he was fascinated at what made me tick and what contributed to my happiness. But today, he acts as if I am overly complicated rather than unique and fascinating. I am trying to make some positive changes in my life. And my husband is totally resistant to this because all he can see if that the changes might be putting him out or inconveniencing him some. But what he doesn't seem to get, or remotely care about, is that the changes are important to me. He doesn't understand that I need to tweak some things in my life in order to be authentically happy. But he doesn't take the time to try to analyze my thinking or ask himself what I need in my life. He acts as if I'm only trying to inconvenience him instead. So I've tried to explain myself, but I'll find myself passionately talking about something and I will look over, only to find that my husband is giving me a blank stare. His eyes are sort of glazed over and he is almost slumped down, as if even listening to me is a heavy task for him. It's so discouraging. It makes me think that he doesn't care about me at all. Am I wrong in thinking this? Why else would a husband not even make the slightest effort to understand his wife?"

You're right to be concerned. When you start to see this type of apathy and indifference toward you (or toward what is important to you) it can be sort of warning sign. Not always, of course. But sometimes, it is. That's why you can't ever be too careful. I can think of a few reasons that you might be seeing this behavior. I'll list some of it below. And I'll start with the most benign and then work my way up down to the most troublesome.

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You've Caught Him At A Bad Time Or On An Occasion Where He's Preoccupied With His Own Issues: Sometimes, we just catch our spouse's at an inopportune time. We all have times in our lives where it's just not feasible to give someone our undivided attention. How do you know if this is the case? Well, you can ask yourself if this is an isolated incident or if you've noticed him tuning you out or not treating you with importance more than this one time lately.

He Doesn't Really Understand Your Thought Process, So He's Just Trying To Appear As Attentive As He Can: This one is actually pretty common, especially when we are talking about emotions that are not as natural to men. When we start to discuss deep or emotional thinking, men do tend to tune out a bit, because this is just not how their own brains work. They can't relate and so they might be staring at you (or looking at you when you're having a conversation,) but their wheels aren't necessarily turning. It's the same with me when my spouse tries to discuss sports. I try. I really do. I even enjoy some sports. But I don't have the depth of understanding that my husband does, so I try to nod in the right places, but I'm sure my face looks kind of blank. The thing is, I don't think my husband cares too deeply because, although he love sports, they aren't vitally important to him - in the way that your authenticity is to you. And, the more important something is to you, the more you want your spouse to "hear" you and to "understand" you. So this was a topic that was already charged for you, but your husband may not have realized it at the time.

He May Be Acting Indifferent To You Because He Is Starting To Lose Connectedness To And Empathy Toward You, Which Is A Warning Sign: OK, I'm only mentioning this because I wish someone had given me the "heads-up" when I was going through something similar. If they had, perhaps I would not have ended up separated. By no means am I saying or suggesting that this is the case with you. I can't possibly know that. I'm just saying that it's never a bad idea to take an honest look at your marriage and evaluate this. Because when couples are deeply connected, they at least try to make an effort to understand one another, especially about things that matter in the way that this matters to you. Granted, I glaze over when my husband talks about sports sometimes. But if his voice talks about something that I know to be quite important to him, I sit up and take notice.

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You may not realize this in the beginning of the marriage, but all the smaller problems that had been bothering you will all eventually add up and turn into a huge big problem that can actually threaten to destroy your entire marriage. In such The ability to forgive can actually save your failing marriage and bring it right back on track. There can be many reasons why forgiveness is the biggest necessity to heal your marriage. There can be infidelity issues involved in this, there may be financial troubles and so many other reasons to forgive your spouse and move on. However, these problems of course need to be forgivable issues and only then will it heal your marriage.

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Of course, it is not always true that just because you forgive your spouse you also forget the problem. Make sure that your spouse knows that even though you have forgiven you have not forgotten and that you are only doing what is best for your relationship to last. This way you can make sure that the issue is not repeated again. You also have to make it clear to your spouse that just because you have forgiven your him or her it does not mean that you also approve of the issue. Be clear about the fact that you are only giving them another chance to prove their love for you.

There are many steps to take in order to heal your marriage and save it from blunder and forgiveness is only one of the first steps of this healing process. Even though you deeply disapprove of the hurt that your spouse has caused, as long as it is not life threatening you should forgive them and work on your marriage if you still love them and wish to save the relationship.

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Marriage has been compared to prison. Getting 'hitched', and 'tying the knot' have negative connotations. Men (and some women, I suspect) refer to 'the old ball and chain'. Men call their spouses all manner of unflattering things: The old lady, or the warden, or worse. They refer to collaring, and chaining, and castration. They complain about restrictions on their financial, social and sexual freedom. Is it any wonder people speak of avoiding marriage?

Here's the truth of the matter. We don't avoid it. We Americans marry--a lot. Fully 95% of Americans marry at some point in their lives. Second marriages, too, are ubiquitous: 95% of people who divorce remarry within two years. However much we protest and whine about restrictions in marriage, we keep coming back to it. Why would we do that? Is there something about marriage that we find appealing? There must be, or we'd stop doing it.

It seems there is something that keeps us asking for marriage. And, odd as it sounds, it isn't the ease of finding a date for Friday night, or not having to be on our best behavior all the time, though that's part of it. It's not even the easy access to sex, which access exists for singles these days with little or no effort.

Marriage is simply part of who we are, a status we find appealing despite our protestations to the contrary. Could it be that marriage is a secret formula for real happiness, and we instinctively know it? It does appear to be true. Oscar Wilde wrote that every tragedy ends in a death; every comedy ends in a marriage. He's right; there's a connection between happiness for ourselves, and increased pleasure in society. Call it communal contentment. Marriage is part of who we are.

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In my own marriage, the gratifying essence of it is just its constancy. In our society, we're programmed to move from one thing to another--the next (bigger) house, new car, new wardrobe, latest vacation spot. We've even codified this national restlessness, calling it our right to 'the pursuit of happiness'. Not happiness itself, mind you, but only its pursuit, almost as if, getting there, we're expected to move on and try again, the old carrot on a stick thing.

But marriage solidifies this itinerary of the soul. The institution has been around forever, it seems. It's always been associated with solidity, and stability, two attributes that seem to oppose our need for constant change. Indeed, the ball and chain description may be entirely accurate--if we allow it to be. Since words, and therefore attitudes are critical in life, those who use such terminology to describe their union necessarily experience dismal, prison-like marriages.

But a study of truly happy marriage reveals something quite different. Happily married couples are in a constant, and purposeful, state of change. The more change and variety we find in a marriage, the happier it is. Joyful marriages are identified with the new idea to please; the latest twist in greetings and adorations; the avant garde method of recognizing one's spouse; yes, even the newest and possibly most exotic sexual endeavor, or at least intimate interaction. Changes in a marital state are what make it happy, not the other way around.

Happy marriages are innovative, fresh, surprising. They create, by their very nature, the ongoing happy challenge of 'getting there first' in the marriage with a heretofore unexperienced gift, acknowledgement, or titillation. It's the hidden note card in a spouse's luggage, a flower delivery at the office for no reason, the preparation of a favorite meal when they least expect it. Happy marriage is the tender greeting, with words that penetrate a spouse's soul because of their delivery, and the depth of their feeling. Happy marriage is attention through focused listening, the almost lost art of truly hearing what the spouse is saying--or not saying. Happy marriage is the ability to anticipate what a spouse will do, say, want, need and ask for next, and the ability to provide it. Happy marriage is...happy, because it's a recognition that a spouse is happy, and, maturity being required, it's knowing we're only part of the union. Happy marriage is its own reward, and our ability to change that keeps it fresh.

Additionally, happy marriage is currently evolving to include everyone who understand this description, and that means--everyone. This new understanding of what constitutes a happy marriage has little to do with gender, or children, religion or socially accepted traditions. It's an acknowledgement that people marry the person they love, and that includes everyone, gay or straight. Indeed, the evolution of marriage is looking more and more like a flood of affirmation for the real reason marriage makes us happy. And opposition to this marriage equality tide, even though futile, is beginning to seem anti-marriage by its focus on narrow definitions. If marriage makes two people happy, it appears to be performing its role, and we need to celebrate that.

It's no secret, then, why we continue to marry. It's simply because we want to be happy. So tell your spouse you adore them. And if you're not yet married, come on in, the water's happy.

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Many people believe that a person's physical characteristics are vital factors in choosing a partner in life. Not surprising at all because oftentimes, men and women prefer to get involved in a serious relationship with somebody who's good looking. For those who fall in this category, dating or being married with an individual who's beautiful or gorgeous can be a big morale booster.

A recent survey, however, has found that husbands do not consider very important the physical appearance of their wives. The research conducted by a dating site based in Russia, ElenasModels.com confirmed the finding after asking men about the top qualities they look for in a wife. The most preferred qualities that came out were loyalty, loving and honesty.

What this means then is that character still counts the most compared to a person's looks. And this does not apply only to men but even to the wives. For the women who were surveyed, three character traits also came out as essential in a long term relationship and these are honesty, love and loyalty.

Men initially, particularly during the dating stage, may want to be with somebody beautiful but eventually when it comes to choosing their future wife, there are certain traits that they look for.

Honesty is one trait they prefer. Men want a woman whom they can trust and who will be truthful to them despite the hardships they may encounter in their marriage. It's important to them to be able to trust their partner so they can open up their heart as well.

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Independence is also essential to the men. This means a woman who is secure in herself and maintains her own identity even in their marriage. In these tough times, many couples pursue their own careers to help support the family and still respect each other.

A supportive partner is as important to men. For husbands, they appreciate having a wife who can support their triumphs and choices and be there for them during difficult times. When they have the support of their spouse, they are driven all the more to do their best in what they do.

In line with this, do keep in mind that men also look for inspiration and when they have a wife who makes them feel good, they will always be inspired. A woman who can bring out the best in them is sure to be a positive influence in their relationship.

A woman with self-confidence attracts men as well. When a wife has the confidence and self-esteem, she evokes a positive character. She not only loves herself but knows how to get along with people and can carry herself well. In short, this person is seen to be more capable in life and can, therefore, become a good spouse.

Another trait that men want in a wife is the ability to stimulate them intellectually and in other aspects. A couple's daily routine can sometimes become dull thereby affecting the relationship but if the wife is able to make their marriage interesting moving forward, there's a possibility that she and her partner can last for a lifetime.

So a woman's traits prove to be more vital than her looks when it comes to the qualities that men look for in their potential wives.

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