How To Survive A Terrible Marriage: Steps To Repair A Marriage

I often get correspondence from people who want step by step instructions on how to repair their marriage. Often, they know that some change needs to happen, but they just don't know where to start And, they are afraid of doing something that is only going to make matters worse. Many tell me they think that if they had a road map so to speak, they would not be so reluctant to get started. So, in the following article, I'll outline what I think are the most important steps that need to happen in order to begin to repair your marriage.

Step One In Repairing Your Marriage: Reconnect In A Gradual And Positive Way: Here's what I notice most often about people who have run into a brick wall and then come to my site for advice. They are doing things backward. They start this process warning their spouse that the two of them need to "work to repair the marriage." Well, how does that sound to you? Because to me (and likely to most others,) it sounds as if the two of you have a long and tedious process ahead of you that is not likely to be all that much fun. So, right from the start, the both of you are likely approaching this with your heads down and your defenses up. In a sense, you're expecting to fail.

There's a better way. Start very small. Don't worry about those big issues right now. Lay the foundation first. If you and your spouse feel very disconnected and / or distant from one another, dealing with your issues is going to be a whole lot harder and likely less successful. You are going to have a much easier time if you can first begin to reconnect with one another so that you are interacting in a positive way once again. When someone feels that they are receiving affection and empathy, they are much more likely to be in the mind set to work together towards a common goal.

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So, first things first. Begin to gradually see your spouse as the person that you first fell in love with and allow for them to do that as well. This might mean scheduling time to do some things together that you used to enjoy but have long abandoned. Now, you don't need to be fake about this or to try too hard. If you do, you run the risk of things being so awkward that you abandon them. Go slowly. Allow for the natural flow of things to resume in a more positive way.

Step Two: See If You Can Identify Any Habits And False Priorities That Sabotage Your Marriage: When you begin to place your priority on having more light hearted fun together so that you can reconnect, you might also notice some negative issues that begin to wane or disappear. Turn your attention to this and see if you can, by a process of elimination, see where you went wrong before. We often get into sort of a habit or a rut. This becomes our new normal and also becomes the culture of our marriage. It doesn't feel wrong or off at the time because we've done it for so long that it just feels appropriate.

But once you begin to shift your focus, you will often be able to spot places where you took your spouse or your relationship for granted and vice versa. You may be able to see the habits that were making your marriage stale. Just a few examples of this are mindlessly watching TV without saying a word to one another, sighing deeply and rolling your eyes when you should really talk things out, or replacing your spouse as your go to confident with coworkers or friends. These are just a few examples, but almost every one is guilty of some of these things. Usually, a few months after you place your focus on reconnecting, you will see some mistakes that you've been making. Now is the time to remove those things once and for all. It just doesn't make sense to keep on doing the things that give you the results that you don't want.

Step Three: Only When You're Reconnected Do You Tackle The Issues That Are Necessary For Repairing Your Marriage: This is that last step and one that you should tackle only when it feels safe to do so. Eventually though, you will need to work on those issues that are separating you. It makes no sense to reconnect and then to be going along happy, only to have these reoccurring issues coming up over and over again. There will come a time when it's appropriate to work through your problems. Even then though, you should continue to make the process pleasurable rather than feeling like "work."

And, if you're firmly bonded and connected, you're likely to find that these issues no longer seem so hard and insurmountable. When you feel loving toward your spouse, you're more in the mood for compromise and anything that is going to allow you to get back to the good stuff.

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When you're married, many people think that you need to totally do away with the things you used to do before. But that should not be the case all the time. It's true that you may have to make adjustments in your way of life but that does not necessarily mean you will have to give up those that matter to you. You don't even have to apologize for them.

Honesty is one trait that you should never forego. After all, it's still the best policy, right? Being truthful is better than putting up a front. Remember that as a child, you were taught that telling a lie is not good so stick to being honest whether you're dealing with your spouse or a friend. You may hurt your loved one by telling the truth but then again, it's for the good of everybody. When you're honest to yourself and to your spouse, you can lead a peaceful and satisfying life together.

Attaining success should be an important goal in your life even when you're already married. Isn't it that we want to be successful in life so why not go for it? Individually, you and your partner can do this by performing well in your job or in your business. It should not affect you if you're more successful than your spouse because after all, whatever it is you will reap in the end will also benefit your family. In case your spouse is more successful, then be happy and continue to strive for success in whatever you do. Avoid the competition as much as possible.

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Never let go of your friends. You have them when you were still single so you have every reason to keep them for life. The best thing about having friends is they provide you a good support system when something goes wrong. And they can keep you company as well when you need a diversion in your daily routine. Friends are different from your spouse so having them in your life is worth it.

Don't forget that self respect is also very important. You may have a partner in life now but you should also value and respect yourself as an individual. This means allowing yourself to love and care for your loved ones and not letting yourself become a victim of physical and emotional abuse in your marriage. It's not about being selfish but just recognizing yourself.

In line with this then, do give yourself the chance to enjoy time with friends, your other half and your children. On certain occasions, allow yourself as well to have some "me" time during which you can engage in activities that you really want to do. Go shopping, get a massage at a spa center or engage in a sport or craft activity that you're very interested in.

Enjoy life and your marriage while you can. Having a good time all by yourself or with friends or with your partner is your privilege. So never take that for granted.

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A lot of couples are interested to know about this question: Marriage counselling, does it work? Of course with so many couples trying to save their marriages but eventually ending up as divorcees, a lot of couples rely on marriage counselling as the means to help them achieve longer-lasting marriages and better relationships as husbands and wives. But does marriage counselling really work?

Marriage counselling is more often than not aimed to help married people ranging from very young couples, couples who belong to the low-income bracket, couples who feel contempt for one another, and even couples with histories of divorces in their families. This is because young age, low-income, hateful feelings, and divorce history within the family are perceived to be the leading factors that cause couples to break apart. Thus, having identified these important factors, marriage counsellors come up with unique solutions to solving the problems of couples without even presenting divorce as a final option.

Through the employment of techniques and tips gathered from couples all over the world, marriage-counselling-does-it-work sessions help create more synergy and smoother working relationships between the husband and the wife. These sessions provide spouses the exercise of listening to one another, and looking through the needs and desires of one another, without imposing what they want out of each other. By improving the dynamics between the couple, problems are easily addressed and this eventually leads to a more peaceful bond as husbands and wives.

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As Christians we are not only accountable to our spouse but to God first and foremost. Christ should be the driving force in the Christ follower's life. If this one important facet is written upon a woman's heart, mind and soul, she will not have a problem adhering to her obligations as a Christian wife.

And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an helpmeet for him. Genesis 2:18

Scripture shows a woman how to be a good helpmeet to her husband. Even when she doesn't feel like being very helpful or loving she tries to do the best she can because she knows it is what God wants her to do. The reality is Christian women have bad days too, but are blessed with God's presence (Holy Spirit) within them for comfort.

God created Eve for Adam's companionship, helper, support and encouragement. It is not good that man should be alone. There are many ways that a wife can bring the assets of helper and that of companionship to her husband. A Christian wife "who fears the Lord" is an asset to her husband in many ways.

In what ways can a Christian wife be a good helpmeet to her husband? She is called to be a companion to her husband in all areas of the marriage, which include emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually.

A Wife's Emotional Support

Emotionally she encourages her husband to be the man of God that was meant for him to be. She is an asset to her husband when she supports him in his callings and endeavors in life and praises his continual efforts in the Lord. She should refrain from trying to control, browbeat or boss her husband around because that is not what God has called her to do.

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The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. Proverbs 31:11

A nagging wife is worse than a dripping faucet. If a wife cannot find anything uplifting to say to her husband or about her husband she shouldn't say anything at all. A husband needs an emotionally supportive wife and vice versa, otherwise how is the oneness in marriage met?

It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman. Proverbs 21:19

A Wife's Spiritual Support

Spiritually a Christian wife connects with her Christian husband because they share in the same values and principles in life. And together they raise Godly children and have many fruits of the spirit within their marriage and family. Together they create abundance and prosperity for their lives and they realize and praise God because they know it all belongs to Him.

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:12

She submits to her husband's spiritual leadership. A helpmeet does not argue and fuss with her husband; instead she works with Him. Most husbands will eagerly listen to the opinion of their wives when the wife does not demean him. Marriage is a partnership and a team effort that takes considerable compassion and compromise from both the husband and wife. Submission should always be voluntary, otherwise how would it be submission any other way?

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. Proverbs 31:23

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

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A Wife's Sexual Support

Sexually she is there for her husband when he wants to be close. Both husband and wife have emotional, spiritual and sexual needs that should be met only through each other. God created them male and female for this reason. Eve was made from Adams flesh and bones, which symbolically make them one flesh. When a husband and wife encourage one another in their roles and positions of marriage the sexual and emotional intimacy between them will be a healthy and productive part of the marriage.

The goal for marriage should be of maintaining the oneness that united them. Sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is the kind of companionship that brings them closer together so they will not want outside of the marriage parameters. They should never reject one another unless of a woman's menstruation or if either one of them is sick.

She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Proverbs 31:27

On another note, women who are loved in the Lord are more apt to be respectful and devoted wives. A woman who is truly loved by her husband will utilize all of her creative talents and God given abilities that she has been blessed with; her husband will never be in need of anything.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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