I Love My Husband But I'm Not Sexually Attracted To Him: No Longer Sexually Attracted To Partner

I recently received correspondence from a wife who told me that she was afraid that she losing feelings of love for her husband. She specifically said that she no longer felt "connected" or "intimate" with him and she suspected that he felt the same way. They weren't being ugly to one another or fighting or anything like that. But, they were just sort of coexisting without the feeling of togetherness that they used to enjoy.

The wife missed their connection. But honestly, when she looked at him today, she wasn't sure if she was ever going to be able to get the relationship back. She admitted that she just simply felt "sort of blank" when she looked at him or interacted with him now. The spark was gone. She loved him because he was a great person and father, but she had to wonder if she was "in love with him" anymore.

She wanted to know if I thought it was possible to restore the connectedness between them. And she wanted to know how should she go about making this happen. She felt that she owed it to her family to try to fix this, but she just didn't know where to start. I'll tell you some of the insights and suggestions I gave her in the following article.

You Have To Be Proactive To Reestablish The Connection. You Can't Just Wait And Hope For The Best: When I asked the wife what she had been trying and which of her efforts had been the most successful, there was a definite pause. She had to admit that she was really taking a sort of "wait and see" approach. Things felt awkward and she was reluctant to be the one to step outside of her comfort zone only to have her husband look at her as if she were crazy, or worse, to experience his rejection.

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I understand this as my reaction was quite similar. No one wants to be the one to rock the boat. But, the problem with this approach is that if no one is going to make the first move, then you both might be sitting there for quite a while being disappointed and making assumptions that just aren't true. To ensure that you get what you want and restore the happiness that you deserve, you're likely going to have to take the initiative. Yes, this may feel vulnerable. And there might be times when you want to retreat. But honestly, retreating is what likely got you here in the first place.

Using Your Knowledge Of Your Husband And Your Relationship To Move Forward And Reconnect Rather Than Continuing On As You Are: As I said, sometimes, you have to be the one to put yourself out there. I realize that many people don't know where or how to start. However, you really do have more of a road map than you might think. You know how this relationship looked and what characteristics it had when it was most successful.

Often, when I tell people this, they will attempt to turn this around in a negative way. They'll say things like "well, when we were in love, we were both young and carefree without the responsibilities of real life. You can't possibly compare our reality then with our reality now." These points are 100 percent valid. But, they are leaving something out. When things were good, both people were putting in a whole lot of time and effort. Both people were receiving a very positive payoff which ultimately made them feel better about themselves and about how their lives were going.

So, in this way, all of the positive things that are happening in their life become projected onto the relationship. Everything looks shiny and new because we're seeing it through rose colored glasses. We feel as through finally someone appreciates us, understands us, and brings out the best of us. Unfortunately though, we all know what eventually comes next as the months turn into years and the responsibilities and not so fun things about life begin to pile on.

We begin to have trouble spinning all of the plates in the air. Something has to give. We need to allocate our time a little differently. And, we reason, our spouse knows what we are going through. They know we love them. So we hope that they give us a pass as far as the allocation of time is concerned. But what we often don't realize is that this omission is going to hurt us as well. A relationship is often only as good as what you put into it. The intensity of the feelings are going to directly relate to the quality of the efforts put in.

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The good news though is that you start to restore the allocation of time and the quality of the efforts, the feelings will usually follow. You simply can't feel connected to someone if you don't feel like you're on the same page or that the same things are important to you. And these things can't happen in a vacuum. They have to be cultivated and encouraged just like everything else.

But, look at it this way. You already know that the both of you are more than capable of being happy together and feeling connected because you have been successful at this in the past. So, now is the time to begin to change the efforts so that the feelings will also change. It's easy to retreat inward as a means of self protection. But isolation is a sure fire way to feel disconnected.

Giving What You Want To Get: To begin, try to define, as precisely as you can, why you are feeling disconnected. Usually, almost every one has to admit that there is no longer a feeling of "we" or "us." Many people feel taken for granted and unappreciated. The way around this is usually to begin to provide for your spouse what you yourself want. If you feel that he doesn't notice what's important to you, begin to focus what's important to him.

If you think he's not affectionate or unappreciative, heap the attention and praise onto him. I know that this sounds backward but it really isn't. By giving what we want, we're accomplishing many things. We're showing our spouse that it's "safe" to turn our attention towards the relationship, we're changing up the stagnant culture, and we're demonstrating what we want.

Often, when you begin to give your spouse the pay off that they want, they will often respond by giving you more of what you want. That cycle of good feelings and projecting on the relationship will continue on. But this time, you're giving them positive things to project rather than negative ones.

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Do you talk to your partner? When is the last time you had a conversation about something more significant than what to have for dinner or who needs to pick up the kids after school? In most marriages, the answers are not going to be reassuring. We've all heard experts talk about the importance of communication in a relationship, but why is it important and why can it help save your marriage during the recession?

Communication is Necessary for a Happy Marriage

People talk all the time but most conversations are not about important things that need to be said. If you're not communicating about the recession and what it means for your family, for example, you could be doing great damage to your marriage. Chances are that both of you are worried and stressed. You might have doubts about your financial stability or concerns about you long-term future. But because most of us prefer to worry alone, we don't talk about those feelings.

When people aren't communicating about their feelings, the other partner assumes their worries aren't being shared. This leads to arguments, pointing fingers, and retreating further into ourselves and avoiding communication with our partners even more.

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Marriage Needs Communication

A happy marriage is a partnership, but no partnership has ever been effective without communication. If you're not talking about the issues that really matter, you're not finding solutions to the problems facing both of you. If you're not talking about issues that matter to your partner, he or she is going to feel unimportant. If you're not talking, someone else might very well start up that conversation with your spouse and that inevitably is going to ruin your marriage.

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When a woman gets married and then have kids, the children often become the center of attention. This attitude has even been considered as one of the causes of conflicts among couples.

From the time they deliver the baby, women have a natural instinct to focus their attention and affection to the child. Some even make their kids their world and get their emotional intimacy from them and not from their husbands. This attitude is sure to make the husband feel left out particularly when they no longer have the time to spend together as a couple.

For this reason, relationship experts advise wives to put their marriage first over their kids. Many of you who have put your relationship in the backseat may raise your eyebrows but if you really want to make your marriage last, it is the right thing to do.

Keep in mind that it's you and your husband who first got together. Marriage is the foundation of the family. It is, therefore, important that you value your marriage and always make it a priority over the other aspects of your life. Experts explained that when a husband and wife are happy and satisfied with their marital relationship, everything else follows. The kids then become happy and loving themselves. As a result of this, you create a happy and contented family.

Wives should also understand that the love you share with your husbands is different from that you share with your children. This love for your partner requires some effort from the wife. It needs to be nurtured through the years to keep it burning.

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The love for your children, on the other hand, is on another level. It comes naturally and therefore, easy to share. Less effort is required and you can be sure that it will be there for a long time or even until your lifetime.

So if you've developed the habit of focusing your attention to your kids more than your husband, it's about time you make a turnaround. Your relationship should be first in line but that should not stop you from there.

As a wife, you have a duty to nurture your relationship. You have to exert extra effort to keep your marriage intact and to ensure that both of you are happy with each other. There are many simple ways you can do to keep the flame of love burning.

One is to continue with your date nights. Spending one night each week to dine out, stroll at a park or see a movie you both love are just some ideas. It does not necessarily have to be done at night but you can also drive somewhere on a weekend just the two of you without the kids.

Show your loving gestures as well on a daily basis if possible. Give your husband a hug and kiss before he leaves for work and when he arrives home. Write short notes or make quick calls to let him know you care and miss him.

Be creative and be consistent in prioritizing your husband and he'll surely appreciate your efforts.

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During 2008, the latest year for which statistics are available, there were 2,162,000 marriages recorded in the United States. More than 6,000 of our fellow Americans tied the knot every single day! And, in spite of the reported high rate of divorce--last recorded as about 44% of first marriages after seven years--the rate of re-marriage is an astonishing 93%. This is more than great news for wedding planners and caterers. Marriage seems to have taken hold in this culture as a status that accords us a level of respect, an assumption of accountability (whether true or not), and a regard by society that means we're members in good standing of the community.

Marriage even affords us a number of benefits, rights and legal protections not found outside its esteemed position in our society. In fact the actual number of rights and benefits is knowable, and is rather high. Higher than most people realize, or they may be more solicitous of a marriage partner. Knowing this information would also likely make more people able to see the unfairness in denying those marriage rights to anyone otherwise eligible, which is one purpose of this article, and the derivation of its title. Marriage is not just a human right; it's a portal into the benefits and protections the state bestows to its adult citizens. How many rights, protections and benefits?

Go back to your wedding day. It was likely a day of great joy, when you were surrounded by family and friends, all wishing you well, smiling, sharing with you the spirit of the occasion. You walked down an aisle of some kind with your intended to the music you'd picked, surrounded by the esteem of all around you. Then, you likely faced a judge, or a cleric, and made promises to each other and the community to be faithful, true, mindful of the celebrated state into which you were entering. And the instant you said "I do", all the aforementioned rights, benefits and legal protections were yours, just for saying those two simple words.

How many rights? Not fifty. Not 100. No, there are in fact 1,138 separate, identified federal and state benefits, rights and legal protections that attach to two people who marry in this country. By extension, then, those are rights and benefits unavailable to those who for one reason or another are disqualified from entering into a marriage contract.

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Here's one example of what married people enjoy. It has to do with rights under Social Security. Keep in mind that all working Americans contribute to this program through payroll tax. Regardless of how society views us, and in spite of what other status we may have in society, whether part of the mainstream or an outcast, if we're gainfully employed in this country, we're required to pay into the Social Security trust fund.

Social Security provides the sole means of support for a number of Americans. Here's where the rights and benefits of marriage enter the picture. All surviving spouses of working Americans are eligible to receive Social Security payments. Surviving spouses who care for a deceased employee's minor child are also eligible for a support payment, in addition to the regular monthly stipend. These are benefits that are denied to gay and lesbian Americans because they cannot marry. Thus, those couples who contribute to Social Security over their lifetime receive drastically unequal benefits from what their married counterparts receive. If both partners pay into the system for many years, the amount of differential can be hundreds, or even thousands of dollars every year.

So the denial of marriage isn't just a minor concern for those couples, and should not be for us. Americans have always been sensitive to unfairness in our society. Our history is littered with the remnants of long-discarded human rights denials that would seem ludicrous today. As recently as 1967--just 42 years ago--there were sixteen states in the U.S. that carried anti-miscegenation laws on their books prohibiting the marriage of blacks and whites. The case that addressed that travesty, appropriately titled Loving Vs Virginia, eliminated one such social stain. Today the concept of denying anyone marriage because of their race would be laughable. Still, we continue to deny civil marriage to gays and lesbians because of a similar condition of birth. It's as if we denied people the right to drive because they were born left handed.

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Returning to the Social Security example, we see that those denied civil marriage are faced with this inequity:
Family #1: Married husband and wife, both biological parents of the child, either member would be:
- Eligible for Surviving Child Benefits
- Eligible for Surviving Parent Benefits

Family #2: Same-sex couple, deceased worker was the biological parent or adoptive parent of the child (where permitted)
- Eligible for Surviving Child Benefits
- Not Eligible for Surviving Parent Benefits

Family #3: Same-sex couple, deceased worker was not the biological parent nor able to adopt the child through second-parent adoption, surviving member
- Not Eligible for Surviving Child Benefits
- Not Eligible for Surviving Parent Benefits

For those who know couples like those described above, this isn't a remote, unlikely possibility, but reality. Denial of these benefits happens every day, in spite of the fact that these individuals are required, just as their co-workers are, to pay into Social Security. Presented with this information, in addition to the remainder of the 1,138 rights and benefits afforded married couples in this country, reasonable people will conclude that this is unfair, and yet another reason that civil marriage equality is a human right.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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