I Want My Marriage To Work: What Makes A Marriage Work

The question "how can I save my marriage?" is asked by millions of people each year. The fact is, marriage is work and it does not often come without its battle scars. When you commit to another person, making that commitment work involves a certain level of investment. People change and things happen, and to make a marriage work you must be fully committed to doing what it takes to repair your relationship when problems arise.

It can be overwhelming, at first, to consider the many areas where the relationship is not working, and the possibilities that would result if you split up. Knowing where to begin is always difficult. By this time, there may have been so many negative interactions that it's hard to get back to the core issues. Know that time is required to address each issue, and show your partner it has been addressed. The problems didn't arise overnight, and it will take time to sort them out and work through each one. Regardless of the outcome, going through this process will help you in the future, with this or other relationships.

The best strategy to the question "how can I save my marriage?" usually includes a lot of patience and forgiveness, both of yourself and your partner. Applying pressure to either of you rarely helps the situation. Rather, focus on learning to communicate better, and practice good listening skills. Criticism is not helpful - instead, focus on all the positive elements in your partner and the relationship. Become an example for your partner and others to follow. This is the best way to allow and encourage change in others, rather than requesting or requiring it. Bringing up the past is not usually helpful. Instead, focus on the present, and on what you can do yourself to make it the best it can be.

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I sometimes hear from wives who are both happy, relieved, reluctant, and worried all at the same time. They are happy because it appears that their husband might be considering coming back to them or at least "trying again" after the separation. But, they are worried because they know that the marriage has some real difficulties (which made the separation necessary in the first place) and they worry that nothing has really changed.

So, they can have a lot of anxiety as to whether the marriage is actually going to improve or work after the separation. And, they are often very invested in it working. After all, the next time things fall apart, they may be dealing with a divorce rather than only a separation.

I often hear comments like: "my husband is considering moving back home after our separation. I can tell that he's reluctant and doubtful that things are going to really work out. I need for this to work because I don't want a divorce. How can I rebuild my marriage after the separation so that it actually lasts? How do I make sure that we don't just end up separated again or even divorced because we are dealing with the same problems over and over again? And how can I make sure that my husband is every bit as committed as I am?" I will share with you the tips that I offered in the following article.

Rebuilding Your Marriage After A Separation Doesn't Mean That You Need To Solve All Of Your Problems Immediately Or Even Quickly. Gradual Changes Are Usually More Lasting: Here is what many people misunderstand (and where they go wrong.) While you will absolutely need to work through and address your problems, you will usually have better results if you don't try to do too much too soon.

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The reason for this is that when your spouse returns (or is considering coming back) after a separation, the marriage is often still quite fragile no matter how badly one or both of you want for things to work out. This means that you are still vulnerable to misunderstandings, your spouse feeling differently than you do about the issues, or the strain that comes from always focusing on your problems.

It is better to gradually attempt to rebuild the bond and then to slowly work through the issues (as are needed and as the marriage will allow at the time.) Quite honestly, if you are successful in rebuilding the bond and the intimacy (and when you and your spouse are clicking again in the way that you did in the past,) many of the issues or problems that seem insurmountable right now will likely seem smaller in comparison.

The reason is that when you are sharing positive feelings and emotions with your spouse, you become very invested in wanting this to continue, so you are much willing to compromise more and dwell less. I'm not saying that loving feelings will make all of your marital problems go away, but don't underestimate how much they truly can help.

You Don't Always Need For Both People To 100% Commit To Rebuilding During Or After A Separation. A Wait And See Attitude Can Work As Long As You Are Moving Forward: The wife was very concerned because the husband did not seem to have the same burning desire or the same desperation that she did to save the marriage.

The husband wasn't exactly opposed to rebuilding, he just had some doubts that it would actually happen successfully. This bothered the wife so much that I worried she would sabotage the whole thing by trying to force or push the husband into declaring himself 100% committed to saving the marriage when he clearly wasn't ready to do so.

Rest assured that it's normal for one or both spouses to have some doubts after separating. But it's OK to move forward anyway. (Moving forward with doubt is better than never trying at all.) Over time as things go well (and you move slowly and gradually,) these doubts will start to fade. But if you insist on a 100% commitment from the beginning, you may keep your spouse from ever really trying or giving the process a real chance, even if they are reluctant.

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Rebuilding In Way That Make You Relaxed And Enthusiastic. (Don't Allow Your Doubt Or Anxiety To Sabotage Your Attempts:) Here is what I want for you to take from this article. I want you to know that rebuilding after a separation should be seen as an opportunity that can actually be pleasurable. Most people see rebuilding as akin to having to lift heavy obstacles with power tools so that you are both breaking an emotional sweat. This can cause a lot of doubt, feet dragging, and reluctance.

You want for both you and your spouse to have positive feelings and enthusiasm about this process. So place your focus on revisiting those things that used to make you happy and feel close to your spouse rather than dissecting every problem that you ever had. I concede that problems don't solve themselves and that you will eventually need to place some focus there.

But in the beginning, your attention really should be on just reconnecting and remembering why you loved each other in the first place and what worked well for you (rather than remembering what went wrong.) Sometimes, I think that couples focus so much on their problems that they almost give those problems more power.

I know that some people will disagree with me. But I have seen too many couples make this mistake and I see more success with couples who put their issues on the back burner and have some fun together (without holding on so tightly and being guided by fear,) at least for a little while. The process really should be fun. You want to see your marriage as a pleasurable and enjoyable place to be rather than a place where you're going to be analyzed, discussed, and criticized until your toes curl and you just want to avoid the whole thing.

I think that sometimes people think that rebuilding after a marital separation requires a series of steps and that, once you pass one issue, you move on to the next and to the next so that if you finally make it to the end, your reward is that you remain married after a hard fought battle. I see it differently. What worked for me and many others is making the process of rebuilding an enjoyable one that teaches you what you still love about your marriage rather than what you still see as flawed.

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Marriage is bound to change from year-to-year. When a couple first walks down the aisle they can expect things to be rosy for a time. Hence, the honeymoon phase we all hear about. It's the time when a couple celebrates their love and discovers many new and exciting things about each other. That phase slowly morphs into real life and the small pressures that impact every married couple will begin to pop up. For some couples, drifting apart during this time feels inevitable. The emotional connection that was once there starts to feel weaker and unless something is done, the marriage will eventually be so strained it will be at risk of falling apart. If you're beginning to feel some distance between you and your spouse now, you have to take measures to change it.

Once you start to feel that something is shifting within your relationship you have to determine why it's happened. If there is an issue that you two are constantly butting heads on, try and find a solution that works for you both. Compromise is that the center of every successful marriage and it's something that you're going to have to introduce into your relationship too.

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Maybe the issue is more about the two of you just not making each other a priority in life. This happens sometimes without the couple even fully realizing it. Tending to all the things that are required to keep a home and family running smoothly can be time consuming and something will generally have to suffer. In some cases, that something is the marriage and unless one or both partners works to remedy that, the relationship will continue to suffer instead of flourish.

If you want to build a stronger marriage you have to put in the time and effort to make that happen. You must focus some attention each and every day on your partner. That has to be uninterrupted time when the two of you can talk about all the issues at hand. That may be a chat about what's going on at work or who is going to be shuttling the children to ball practice. In addition, you also have to make the effort to talk about your relationship with one another. Unless that is nurtured with the proper attention it deserves, it's going to inevitably fail. Talk to your partner about making time for you two to spend alone together. It will make a tremendous difference and you'll feel much less like you're drifting apart.

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You don't believe it given the current situation you're in. You and your spouse just don't get along anymore. You two bicker and fight over every small thing and you feel that there's never going to be any resolution or peace. There can be if you decide that you want things to change. Although many couples in your position automatically jump to the idea of divorce, you don't have to venture down that path just yet. You can actually give your marriage a fighting chance if you both take a grown up version of a time out. A trial separation can completely change a relationship and help both spouses realize what they are at risk of losing.

The main reason that separation can actually be good for a marriage is it gives you both a chance to truly understand what the other person means to you. When a couple is constantly embroiled in one argument after another, they lose a sense of what their spouse means to them. There are so many negative associations made and they can't distance themselves from the emotional pain of the conflict. They start to resent one another more and more and eventually they may even reach a point where they just don't talk. The challenges they face overshadow any adoration or affection that may still be there.

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If you take time apart, those huge conflicts, won't feel as large anymore. You'll start to focus more on the positive traits that your spouse possesses and you will even start to miss them. You'll wake up alone and go to bed alone each day. There will be a hole in your life that was once filled by their companionship and love for you.

Many couples who separate go on to have very long lasting, fulfilling relationships with one another. They take what they learn during their solitude and carry that with them towards reconciliation. It's not uncommon for a couple to start acting like newlyweds again once they get back together after their separation. They key is to really focus on what you need to repair and then work on that together. You may just find that you'll realize what a true treasure you have in your partner once they're not there all the time anymore. Separation, although challenging emotionally at the time, can be the saving grace for your marriage.

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Is my marriage over? You hate that you even have to consider this question right now. Somewhere along the way your relationship with your spouse went from satisfying and comforting to strained and confusing. You seriously don't know what to do anymore. You love them but you're growing weary of all the conflict and tension between the two of you. Marriage isn't easy and unfortunately we don't fully grasp that concept before we take our vows. If you're feeling unsure about what your future holds, don't be too quick to jump on the divorce wagon. When a couple still feels love for one another they owe it to themselves and their family to try and rebuild the relationship one last time.

When you're asking yourself the question, "is my marriage over," consider what your life would be like if your spouse wasn't there anymore. The idea of divorce or separation can be terribly appealing until you realize that it means you won't share any time with your spouse in the future. You can't talk to them about decisions you'll be making and they won't be there to add friendship and companionship to your life. Also, think long and hard about how you feel about the idea of your spouse falling in love and building a life with another person. If any of this causes you emotional pain, leaving your marriage may not be what you need right now.

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Sometimes a couple reaches a point where they feel their marriage is over because they just don't communicate about anything of substance anymore. All they talk about is the necessities. Things like what the children need or if the bills are paid monopolize their conversations. They never address what each other is feeling and over time it becomes harder and harder to re-introduce those things back into the conversations. Making an effort to talk about the relationship and what's happening with it can start a couple back on the path towards reconnecting.

Before you throw in the white flag of defeat on your marriage, consider giving it one last try. Talk to your spouse about what you feel you two need to work on and express why you believe the marriage is worth saving. You may be surprised to learn that they feel exactly the same way about the future as you do and you can then both work harder at rebuilding the bond and creating an even more satisfying marriage than you've had in the past.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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