Jealous Of Wife's Past Lovers: Wife's Previous Partners

Is jealousy a problem in your relationship? Does it keep you awake at nights? Are you experiencing feelings of insecurity and even low self esteem because you feel so jealous over your partner?

Then here is the only choice you have if you are to have a healthy relationship - get rid of jealousy from your life.

Incessant jealousy and emotional security are at opposite ends of the personal happiness scale; the choice to get rid of jealousy is really a choice for happiness in your life.

Are there going to be times when you do feel some form of jealousy in your relationship? Of course this will happen, few are lucky enough to escape this. Even when your partner has nothing to do with those feelings, just based on what is happening in your own head at times can lead to feelings of jealousy.

So this is not about being a purist when it comes to jealousy. This is about getting rid of insidious jealousy that is bound to threaten your relationship or even other aspects of your life in the long run.

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For if you do not have a high level of emotional security in your life, you are bound to perform at less than optimum levels in all areas of your life that are important to you.

The question therefore is how important are these other aspects of your life - your job, your relationship with your extended family, your relationship with friends, and your capacity to really enjoy life. How important are these to you?

If they are, and there is no reason why they should not be, then the correct decision has to be about getting rid of jealousy rather than seeking to either live with it or control it once it infects your relationship.

Once you make the decision to get rid of jealousy, you will experience an elevation of mood, an elevation of your will power to deal with the underlying issues.

This is because you have just shifted your focus from being a victim to being someone who is taking responsibility for his or her own happiness. It provides a temporary emotional high which immediately gives you an insight into why it is so important for you to get rid of jealousy.

Emotional security can thrive only in an environment where there is a healthy level of self-esteem, a feeling that this environment is nourishing of that self-esteem and not undermining it. Jealousy does just that to your self-esteem. There is no other option but to get rid of it if you are going to experience real love and happiness.

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Often I encounter husbands that respect their wives. But, they do not feel love-- at least not from their wives. For this reason, sometimes these husbands do not enjoy being with their wives. They express the desire for compassion and support. Instead they get an 'Iron Lady'. My husband says what these husbands want from their wives is 'Girly'. They want their wives femininity-- their softer, fluid, more pliable side. Rather and often they experience their wives as drill sergeants. One husband calls his wife, "Generalissimo Momma"! This certainly doesn't sound like an inviting, 'I desire my wife', let's make love invitation! This husband may respect his wife! But perhaps she is not one with whom to snuggle and cuddle!

A "General" is a commander of an army. He or she is responsible for giving orders. They are also responsible for the execution and outcome of those orders. Giving orders requires preparation and planning. Generalissimo Momma has planned, ordered and succeeded well enough to earn her name. She won her husband's respect. He also buys in despite of his potential sarcasm and resentment. We know because he calls her, "Generalissimo Momma"!

This arrangement may work in accomplishing the routines of daily living. It may even be suitable for managing children and household chores. But Generalissimo does little to cultivate a deeply loving intimately fulfilling relationship between husband and wife. Did you know that according to Forbes Magazine (2011) 8 out of 10 female executives are divorced or never married! This might suggest that the skills necessary to successfully manage projects and people are different than those required to develop intimacy in marriage.

Consider Troy and Sharon. Troy is a traveling salesman. He leaves on Monday morning and returns on Friday evening. Sharon is a healthcare administrator. Both are articulate and successful. Both are well-respected in their professions. They live in an affluent neighborhood, drive fine cars and their children attend private schools. Extra-curricular activities are a must and vacations routine. They volunteer in their local church. Let's face it, from the outside Troy and Sharon look perfect-- a coupled to be admired.

Here's the other side of the story. From Monday to Friday, Sharon is it. She manages her schedule, her husband's schedule, the children's schedule, as well as her employees' schedules. Sharon manages her children's school projects, as well as household and work projects. She plans extra-curricular activities, weekend activities, birthdays, anniversaries and vacations. Sharon manages the finances, does the banking and makes sure the kids have adequate food and clothing. She makes menus, makes dinner, makes beds and on Friday night guess what? Sharon even makes love to her husband.

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This is not an indictment against Troy, or any husband for that matter. I am not a feminist. I am married. After 25 years, I would marry my husband all over again! Many wives echo Sharon's reality and would likely accuse me of leaving some things out. Unlike some wives, Sharon has the benefit of help to clean the house, transport her kids and prepare an occasional meal. Other wives are not so fortunate. Whether or not getting help is possible, no wife will be able to purchase nurture, love and affection for her husband and children. This is her emotional responsibility alone. It cannot be borrowed from another. Things cannot substitute it. Nor can it be delegated to another-- that's an ingredient for adultery.

The part of Sharon that her children need and for which her husband longs is the warm, safe, supportive, intimate feelings of emotional presence and connectedness. Sharon can steal Victoria's Secret on those Friday nights and pair the lace with stilettos. She can engage all the right sensual moves and touch Troy in all the right places. Peaceful sleep may result from sheer exhaustion. But beginning Saturday morning and for the remainder of the weekend, Troy is likely to live with the "General'-'Iron Lady'! Victoria's Secret is out. And girly went with it! Was it all an act? Had Sharon ever really developed warm, caring, vulnerable and supportive skills? Had she learned these things for her mother? Had she ever even really experienced them for herself? Or, was Sharon's mother just as emotionally detached from those she loved? And if mom did not convey these things to Sharon where might she learn them? From whom might she experience, what marriage and family now require her to deliver? And if the success of her marriage depends heavily on her ability to engage these skills and facilitate an unconditionally loving experience for her husband and children what can Sharon do?

The truth is, Sharon will not be able to offer to her husband or children what she has not received. Any attempt to do so is contrived. Those that do attempt and are honest will say it felt forced. There is no doubt in my mind that many of these women sincerely love their husbands. They are not gay. They say the words "I love you". They care deeply. They have sex with their husbands. But the passion they experience in the boardroom eludes them in the bedroom. No one is more painfully aware of their emotional detachment then they themselves! All the tools in this Iron Lady's arsenal will not be enough to offer the emotional experience of unconditional love and acceptance for her husband and children. When it comes to expressing this kind of love we must receive it first. John 4:19 pens it this way,

"... First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first. (Message Translation)

In order to give emotional love, we must receive emotional love. And this simply means, we must feel it. We must know what it feels like to be emotionally validated a part from our performance. Sharon admitted that the file folder labeled emotional validation just for 'being' was nearly empty. She did remember one such experience. A 4th grade teacher held up her school picture and commented on her beauty. It made her feel special. She was touched deeply enough to recall it. Yet, it was short-lived. It was one of few experiences in which Sharon (the person, rather than the performer) was celebrated. For Sharon and so many other women and wives emotional acceptance was long ago placed on the altar of performance. For these women performance pays. Emotional availability doesn't!

Sharon needs the experience of emotional love and connectedness. But little about her manner and way accommodate the experience. She will have to be still to know this kind of love. Psalms 46:10 suggests this,

"Be still and know that I am God."

Sharon laughs at the idea of being still. But her laughter hides a deep discomfort with being still. For Sharon it is the same as doing nothing. For Sharon doing nothing is synonymous with lazy and unproductive. Moreover, being still to receive something from another has resulted in unpleasant experiences for Sharon. The thought of being still has been a mental and emotional hurdle.

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Sharon (the person, not the performer) needs to receive emotional validation. She must hear and receive her worth as a person as separate from what she does. However, to receive it Sharon must be still, that is separated from what she does long enough to experience this new and wonderful feeling. Her dilemma, like so many other women is that she has a long and strong aversion to being still-- for any reason! While Sharon may not need to quit her job, or go into therapy she will benefit from structured quiet time. This is different from morning devotions and a prayer on the run. Consider this.

1. Set aside 3-5 minutes in the morning and/or evening to sit still quietly. The only purpose is to receive God's love.

2. With focused intention thank God for pouring out His love in your heart through the Holy Spirit. He has both given you faith to do this and He has already poured out His love.

"And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (Romans 5:5)

"For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith." (Romans 12:3)

If you have not already received Jesus Christ as Savior this would be a good time to do so. Before all and after all He is both God and love. With the same focus, read Romans 10:9 slowly and deliberately.

"... that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."

Paul goes on to say (Romans 10:10), that with the heart and will we believe we are in right standing with God and with the mouth we declare what we believe. That same measure of faith used to receive God's love is used here to receive His Son.

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3. Ask God to full you with His love and validation to your awareness. This is important because God can and does use the 5 senses he gave us to reveal His love to us! Do you really think He gave you five senses and has no desire to use any of them to fellowship with you? We err in depending exclusively on our senses.

4. Each time all this things you must do come to mind, or the concerns and cares of the day bud into your quiet or otherwise invade your mind try this. Bring each thought to the feet of Jesus and let it go. He will keep it for you and even return it to you if necessary! As a way to accomplish this symbolically, keep a pad and pen next to you when learning how to be still. Every time a thought good or bad, right or wrong attempts to rob you of quiet, write it down and return to being quiet. II Corinthians 10:5 reads,

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

If you will practice God's presence in this manner, before long you will experience His love like never before. You will feel special, unique and valuable. You will desire to return here again and again! Love will move you to offer this experience to another. It will be genuine. All of you will show up! Your mind, will, emotions and body will be present in the same place, without fear. There is no fear mixed in this kind of love because God drives it out! In John 4:18, the writer says,

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love."

This kind of love is aimed at accepting, validating and celebrating another person, a part from what he or she does. Everybody wants and deserves this kind of unconditional love! Let God celebrate you today!

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You lay in bed at night wondering "will she love me again?". She may be still sleeping in the same bed, or maybe not; either way, she might as well not be. This is agonizing, no other word for it. Can you get your wife back into a loving relationship?

The answer is uncertain, maybe no one knows that exact answer right now. What is she thinking as she is lying in bed at night? You know she is not asleep, but you can almost feel the animosity between you.

A marriage can go on like this for a long time. You might try to get her to talk about it but she just will not. This is even more aggravating because you can remember when you first were married it was simply unacceptable for you to do to her what she is doing to you now; so you learned not to do it.

Hmm, double standard, I guess. I thought only men did that? Yeah, right.

Truthfully, as much as it can sometimes feel good to wallow in misery and righteous indignation over her behavior, that is not going to get you anywhere. You started out asking will she love me again, so I guess we can assume you love her and want to save the marriage.

The task now is to assess where she stands to really start to determine if you can get your wife back. Has she ever come out and said she hates you or wants a divorce? Has she told you she does not love you?

There is a difference between her telling you these things and just acting distant or not wanting intimacy anymore. Either way you do not want to pressure her to talk if she does not want to and, in fact, you may want to go a step further.

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Now might be a time when she just needs some space. If you are living apart then that is easy to do; if there are no children in the marriage, easier yet. Communicate to the extent you need to to operate the household or take care of the kids, but nothing excessive or adding pressure to her.

Be mindful to treat her with diligent respect, almost as if you did not know her as well as you do. Sometimes, heck, most times we humans start to take each other for granted after being together for a while.

You do not have to walk on eggshells, just be courteous to her and make sure you do chores and other tasks without being asked or reminded. Start a list and carry it with you if you need to. Set timers on your phone of times you need to be somewhere for the children.

Take this time "apart" to work on yourself. I know the stress you must be under and unfortunately that can lead to weight gain, sleeplessness, droopy eyes (with circles) and general lack of energy.

Combat that with proper diet, exercise and hopefully that will help alleviate some stress and make you tired enough to sleep at night. The goal is to get you looking and feeling better than you have in a long time.

Maybe you can grab some time to play golf, shoot hoops or catch up with an old friend; something you enjoy that you have not done in a while.

Our goal is to have you looking attractive physically and acting attractive from a positive outlook on life that will reignite the spark your wife found in you when you met.

Combine that with some effort to flush bad habits you have picked up over the years and a renewed commitment to your obligations in the home, with the kids, toward your wife and she will notice the difference.

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How do I get my wife to come back home? Any man asking that is staring face first into a divorce. If your wife has moved out that means the state of your marriage is delicate at best. Maybe you told her to go or perhaps you begged her to stay. Regardless, now you're faced with a future without the woman you really love. You obviously want her back so you two can start the process of rebuilding your broken marriage. It can happen but you have to be determined to put in the effort and understanding that it takes.

Understanding how to get your wife to want to reconcile has a lot to do with recognizing and respecting her feelings at the moment. If things got to the point where it felt necessary for her to leave the family home, that speaks volumes about where you two were at. Obviously you weren't getting along at all. Perhaps your days and evenings were filled with arguments and conflict. Maybe it reached a point where you two just stopped talking altogether. Before you can expect to move forward with repairing the relationship you have to acknowledge that she needs to not be with you. Her decision to leave has to be respected.

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Initiating contact again is something that should be done in a very specific way. You must start with an apology. Regardless of what you did wrong or what you two argued about the most, it's important for you to acknowledge your part in that. Obviously, the apology that you'll present will be different if she left because you cheated but essentially at its foundation it's all about beginning the process of forgiveness and healing. Let her know that you regret your actions and you've learned from them. It's important that she understands that you're working hard to become a better person.

Dating your wife again may seem like a foreign concept given the fact that you've been married for some time, but it has a lot of merit when it comes to getting close to her again. She needs to feel that you value her not only as a wife and mother but as a woman as well. If you show her that spending time alone with her is your priority, she'll open back up. Make an effort to plan dates with her and be a gentlemen. If she sees hints of that man that she first fell in love with she'll be more inclined to let her guard down and she'll consider the idea of giving your marriage another try.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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