Married Couples Choosing To Live Apart: Does Living Apart Together Work

Many people picture a married couple as two people who are living together and who are spending most of their waking hours (outside of work, at least) together. But what happens when so much closeness just doesn't work anymore? Or when too much togetherness actually causes conflict that begins to deteriorate or harm the marriage? And what happens when one spouse proposes that the marriage is never going to make it if they continue living together, so he suggests trying living apart instead?

To demonstrate, here's a comment from a wife: "I will admit that my husband and I really struggle with our different personalities. He is so introverted and he likes for our home to be very minimalist and very quiet. I think he would enjoy living in a temple to be honest. He just likes a lot of quiet and a lot of order. I am the exact opposite. I don't care if the house is a mess during the week when I am working. I clean it on Sundays and that is good enough for me. I like to have upbeat music playing. Silence makes me uncomfortable. I hate arguing with my husband about something so menial as our housing, but it has become a big conflict for us. My husband says that there are times when he doesn't want to leave the sanctuary of his office because he knows that he has to come home to chaos. He says that causes a lot of turmoil in this life and he has considered separating from me or even a divorce. He says that he thinks that the best thing for us to do is to live apart because he can't stand living with me anymore. I believe that this is just a precursor for us splitting up and I am resistant to this. I have offered to try to change at home but my husband says that this wouldn't last and it wouldn't be genuine. He wants to get himself a little minimalist uncluttered apartment and live there most of the time. He envisions us seeing each other daily but sleeping in separate homes. He says that he thinks that this is the only way to stay together. Can this arrangement ever work? Or is he just trying to ease me into splitting up?"

I have actually heard these types of situations quite a few times. Most of the time though, the situation is meant to be temporary. What I mean by this is that the couple has found that they are not getting along living together so they will temporarily live apart in attempt to calm things down and to work out their conflict in a less volatile environment. The idea is almost always that as soon as the conflict is worked out, then they will once again live together and will hopefully be free of what lead them to live separately in the first place.

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It is much more rare to see a situation in which there is no expectation that they will live together again, but this doesn't mean that it can't or doesn't happen. I do know one couple who live in separate homes but who spend more quality time together than couples who live under the same roof. The key for them, though, is that both of them are very happy with this situation and they find it preferable to living together. They both like their individual space. I am not sure it would work as well if one spouse was only going along with it because they felt that they didn't have any other choice.

My inclination to couples who are getting ready to live under separate roofs is to encourage them to try to come up with alternatives first. Because there is always a risk when someone moves out that the same person will never move back in. Or that the marriage may lose something that it can never get back.

I would suggest trying some alternatives before someone moves out, like having a quiet, sparse room that is only for the husband's use (so that it stays clean and so he can use it as his save haven) and also allotting some time when both people can be in their comfort zones. Perhaps you set aside on hour for quiet and another that is less stringent. Or, the wife agrees to play her music with headphones. She may just begin doing this without consulting her husband and seeing if this will change his perceptions. It just seems to me that before one person actually makes the very drastic step of moving out, some alternatives should be tried first. Yes, this couple seemed to have very different personalities. But many couples live harmoniously despite this. The husband may be resistant to this. But if the wife makes some changes that actually shows him some relief, he may change his mind.

Having said this, I don't want to give you the impression that I think that living separately to stay together is impossible. I don't think that it is impossible. But I think that in order for it to work well, both people would need to be at peace with the decision and every effort should be made to spend regular time together so that it still feels like you are married and connected. One important aspect of being married are those shared experiences and that sense of togetherness. You want to be able to foster that no matter where you are living.

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Your dear husband has been emotionally separated from you. He is sleeping by your side, but he just doesn't seem to be loving you anymore. He spends his nights outside and his days at work. The person who you care about is never there. What went wrong? How can you reconnect with your husband emotionally again?

What you should be asking yourself right now is who is responsible for this? Who is at fault? Are you to blame, or is he to blame. Take some time to think about this. Make sure you don't try to lie to yourself. That will not help. Be truthful.

Accept your share of the fault, and don't make excuses. It doesn't matter. What has been done has been done. Don't feel guilty or regret. Don't blame and don't get angry. Just be truthful.

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Focus on ending the faults. Think about all the things that have made your husband disconnect from you. What did he find irritating? What part of you does he not want to see and is rejecting? If you find out, then it is best that you start changing. Get rid of these bad habits and you can reconnect with your husband.

With your effort, you can save this relationship. If you haven't been a great cook and have been serving burnt toast for breakfast 2 months straight, it is high time that you start learning. A man's stomach is the way to his heart. Perhaps this means that you should take some cooking lessons. Make sure you do whatever it is that connects you with him again.

Put down your pride. It is of no use. It will just drag you down and break your relationship and your heart with it. Most men don't find it attractive or inspiring when their women are proud. They thing that it is their job to be proud. If you want to connect with your husband again, it may require that you apologize and put down your pride. If you do, you can expect him to come back anytime in the near future.

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Being married can feel like a full time job at times. It's challenging to live with the same person for years and in some cases a woman's feelings for her husband will shift over time. It's difficult to know what to do when you fall out of love with your husband. Should you leave the relationship, seek a divorce and try to find someone new to spend your time with? Or is it a better choice to work on rebuilding your marriage? If you're not ready to end the relationship with your husband, there are things you can do rediscover the love you two once shared.

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When you fall out of love with your husband consider what may have caused your feelings to change. One common culprit that is at the root of a lot of martial strife is resentment. If you and your husband have children, you may feel that he turns to you to take care of the children more. Perhaps the brunt of the child rearing has fallen into your lap and you've had to forsake your career or interests to care for your family while your husband's life hasn't changed at all. If this is indeed the case you need to talk to your husband about what you're feeling and you need to delegate more. Give him more responsibility and let him take on the fatherly role more often. It will help balance that aspect of your marriage.

Another related problem that many couples struggle with is the issue of losing their identities as a couple in favor of being parents. When two people become co-parents it changes the dynamic of their relationship. They often drift apart because they are consumed with being mom and dad. When you fall out of love with your husband because of this, you can remedy it by spending more time as a couple. Enlist the help of family and friends with the children so you two have the opportunity to reconnect as husband and wife.

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It's never easy to see your marriage going down the drain, especially for us wives, who are more emotional than husbands. So, how to get your husband back when you see his interest in you declining day by day? When, maybe, he has even talked to you about divorce? I was in that exact situation, and I was able to save my marriage. So, here is my advice for you - listen carefully!

I know the feelings you must be in right now, because like I said I have been through this situation. I was, like you, dying to learn how to get your husband back, but whatever I did, nothing worked and I thought that this was the end of my marriage and there was nothing I could do further.

But today I am still married to my husband and our marriage is even stronger than when we first married. This is such a grand feeling - a feeling that I would like everyone to live, because I believe that marriages are sacred institutions and they must be nurtured for a nation to continue.

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To get your husband back, you must first learn some basic psychology. What you need to do is to stop begging or pleading and being the "inaccessible spouse". Which means that instead of begging, you are doing just the opposite.

Why is this how to get your husband back? It's because of basic human psychology. Right now you are the "please, I beg of you! Don't leave me alone! I need you! Take me for granted!" entity, which registers in your husband's brain as "something he should not want". People want what they can't have, and don't want what they can easily have. This is working against you right now, but it's in your hands to make it work FOR you!

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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