My Husband and I Are Drifting Apart: Drifting Apart From Husband

Relationship problems come in many forms, and communication is usually on the top of the list of problems that couples face over time.

Communication is one of the more important aspects of relationship building. Get it right and your chances at a better relationship are greatly enhanced. Get it wrong, and just connecting with your partner over simple things can be a real struggle.

Understanding how you communicate with your partner goes beyond more than just understanding basic communication principles. That is easy enough.

What is not so easy is, understanding what really goes on when you and your partner attempt to communicate with each other.

This will go a far way in setting an environment where the usual relationship problems arising from a lack of effective communication do not take root.

To really understand this communication process you have to start with understanding yourself. Because the truth of the matter is, communicating with your partner is largely about communicating with yourself. Why is this so? There is just so much emotion involved even when it is really not about emotional issues.

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The natural tendency when communicating in an intimate relationship is your point of reference is largely what is going on in your own head. Even when you are listening to your partner, you will still have this tendency to react to primarily what is going on in your own head rather than the essence of what is being said to you.

This is why it is so important to understand your own self, to understand what drives you, what irks you and your own perceptions. Because here is what is unavoidable when you have a conversation with your partner - you will filter what is being said to you through all of these.

Once you understand these things about you, and what drives your own thinking then you next have to be aware of how these will in turn influence how you perceive or understand what is being communicated to you by your partner. But this is only half of what you need to be aware of in order to minimize communication problems in your relationship.

Your partner also has things that drive him or her - beliefs, perceptions, values. You also have to endeavor to understand these and get an idea of how these were formed. Because quite a lot of what will be said to you by your partner will be formulated based on these.

So if you want to avoid the communication relationship problem, then you have to understand that you need to be able to understand not only the meaning of words being said, but also the person saying them and at the same time understand how you the listener is processing what is being said and why you process it in that way.

In any intimate relationship at the best of times there is going to be relationship problems. Communication does not have to be difficult or troublesome in your relationship if you just take the time to understand what is involved.

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Making your marriage last is something that is very important. This is especially true if you have kids, because you don't want your kids to grow up in separate households from the two of you. But beyond the fact of the matter with kids, you need to make your marriage last so that your marriage can last forever.

When you got married, you didn't intend on breaking up did you? Of course not. So making your marriage last should be something that you should strive to do on a daily basis. Believe it or not, a marriage takes dedication and work - and if you're able to provide both of these things, you stand the chance of making your marriage last.

The love that you-two had for each other doesn't have to fade away as time passes. The trick is finding ways to reignite the passion that you two have for each other. One way to do this is with sweet surprises. Make your spouse lunch or send them a surprise rose at their job. Small gestures like these can really make an impact with how you spouse responds to you - not to mention that it can make your marriage stronger.

Be romantic with your spouse and you will find that your marriage can last a long time. Many people say that chivalry is dead but I tend to disagree. You can still ignite passion in your marriage if you work at it. The main reasons a lot of marriages fail is due to the fact that all communications cease. Don't let this happen to your marriage.

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I've heard of stories of people being married for 20 years, and the last 10 years of the marriage they lived in separate rooms. What kind of marriage is that? This is just unacceptable and doesn't look good if you have kids. Eventually your kids will grow up and realize that you-two were having marital problems, and they will think that it's okay to sleep in separate rooms.

For good ideas on making your marriage last, take an inside look at old people. You will see that a lot of older people who are in their 70's have been married for 30 years or more. These wise old people know things about marriage that us younger folk couldn't possibly understand. If you have some relatives who have been together for a long while, study their marriage and see if you can emulate everything that they're doing in your marriage too.

Making your marriage last doesn't have to be hard to do. Believe it or not, a lot of people's marriages get improved when the husband goes out of their way to learn how to become more romantic. There are tons of instructional DVD's and books out there that show you how to be a more romantic husband.

No matter what you do, making your marriage last should be a priority. You never want to resort to divorce because this option can have such drastic results on a family - so keep this in mind when things in your marriage aren't going to well. All marriages can be saved, including yours - no matter how bad things may get.

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An excessive interest in sport and happy companionship rarely mix. Take note! ~Janvrin & Selleck, The Two of Us.

One thing worse than game day for some people is the commencement of a whole new season. Many 'widows' are made at the beckoning of husbands to the television set.

But, just as bad is an excessive interest in soap opera and teledrama.

There are so many veritable barriers to basic companionship; it's always been this way, despite the apparent glow of technology and love of sport and all things of amusement, these days.

THE DESIRE FOR SIMPLE COMPANIONSHIP

We can all look at our lives and learn something from the couple that maxes out on spending time together.

Sure, some partners have a great need for quality time - the love language - but not everyone does. For the couple where neither one pines for times of friendship there's little problem.

They won't be reading much further (if they've reached this point!).

More often than we'd realise, however, there is one in the partnership who desires greatly the companionship that marriage once promised.

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Day after listless day their dreams of getting enough 'couple time' reach the same end. The dream begins to wither and anything from hopeless acceptance to narky resentment comes over the afflicted partner, as the need continues to go unmet.

Their desire and need is remarkably simple. A surprisingly high number of partners do not get it though. The challenge is how to communicate the need in a language they'll understand.

COMPANIONSHIP IS THE PINNACLE OF MARRIAGE

In my article, Love Begins Again - Via Acts of Intimacy, I mention the importance of intimacy - the fact that it's more important than passion in a relationship like marriage.

Joining the concept of companionship with intimacy seems right, for intimacy is a sense of shared love; a bond of trust and respect. At its apex there's no conflict - or it's worked at, and worked out, together.

Two are truly one in the intimacy of companionship, and whilst this is true from a physical sense with passion - of bodies wrapped together in the act of sex, perhaps - it's ever deeper in meaning - mentally, emotionally and spiritually - in intimacy.

Intimacy is superior.

For those missing this in their relationships it's either a lack of conversion or observance; partners either not understanding the need or simply they've forgotten.

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In all of the emphasis on finding and fulfilling your God-given purpose in life and relationships, we forgot to tell you something crucial. Your destiny and relationship fulfillment are tied to the thing of which you are most afraid! Let me say this again. Your destiny and relationship fulfillment are tied to the thing of which you are most afraid!

This might be why so many of us hesitate between remaining where we are and with what we have and acting on our desire for something better. Fulfilling our purpose in life and relationships is very likely tied to what we fear the most! Could your worst fear be holding you back from a better quality of life?

Consider Moses. Most are likely to agree that Moses' purpose was to deliver the children of Israel from Egypt. You may recall that Moses delivered his Hebrew brother from the Egyptian. Moses ended up killing the Egyptian. Upon hearing of Moses' deed, Pharaoh sought to kill Moses. We are told Moses ran in fear of his life. For 40 years Moses wandered in the desert. During that time, he married to Zippora and worked with his father in law Jethro.

Sometime thereafter, Moses observed a bush on fire, yet the branches were not consumed. It was Moses' curiosity about this fact that gave God opportunity to talk with Moses. God informed Moses that He had heard the cry of His people who were slaves in Egypt. God's people wanted freedom. God told Moses that He intended deliver them. Moreover, He was giving Moses the assignment. Already Moses had an inclination to do this very thing as evidenced in delivering a Hebrew brother from an Egyptian many years before.

Still Moses was afraid. He was so afraid that he offered several reasons why he could not fulfill this assignment. Among Moses reasons were: he was unsure of himself, he was uncertain of God's support, Pharaoh, nor God's people would believe him and he was not well-spoken. When these failed to change God's mind, Moses flat out told God to send someone else! This angered God. Still God did not relent. He assigned Aaron to accompany Moses. God would speak to Moses. Moses would speak to Aaron. And Aaron would speak to Pharaoh and the people.

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It is interesting that the real reason Moses did not want to return to Egypt was not disclosed in all the reasons Moses offered God. However, the reason Moses did not want to return was the very reason he left! He was afraid. Moses feared that Pharaoh would remember his oath to kill Moses. Moses feared for his life! Although Moses did not reveal his fear to God, God addressed this fear with Moses by assuring him that those that sought to kill him were dead. Read Exodus 4:19,

The Lord said to Moses in Midian, Go back to Egypt; for all the men who were seeking your life [for killing the Egyptian] are dead.

God reassured Moses by telling him plainly that the people that sought his life were dead. In other words, he no longer had to be concerned for them. All these years later Moses had not resolved his fear of men. Upon His request for Moses to return to Egypt to deliver his people, God addressed Moses deepest concern. Still Moses had to trust God, go back and confront the figurehead of his fear, a Pharaoh, to experience true freedom and the fulfillment of his destiny! This part of Moses story can be found in Exodus 2-4.

Rightfully so, we praise Moses for his acts of heroism resulted in freedom for the children of Israel. Yet and still, I suggest this was not Moses' greatest victory. Moses' greatest accomplishment may very well be facing his fear! Moses confronted his fear of (Pharaoh's) authority 10 times! Ten times he challenged Pharaoh with miracles and plagues. What we consider is why it took 10 confrontations to accomplish God's will. In fact, God said that He would harden Pharaoh's heart so that he would not let the children of Israel go free. Exodus 4:21 reads,

And the LORD said to Moses, "When you go back to Egypt, see that you do all those wonders before Pharaoh which I have put in your hand. But I will harden his heart, so that he will not let the people go.

Wait a minute! Did you read what I just read? God will harden Pharaoh's heart. This means that Pharaoh would have complied immediately. God would prevent Pharaoh from complying with Moses' demand! But if it was God's will to free the children of Israel, then why would God prevent it from happening ten times? What would this accomplish and whom would this serve?

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It serves Moses' need to overcome his fear of confrontation. He practiced and succeeded 10 times! He became more and more confident in confronting that which he was afraid. I imagine after the 9th victory, Moses' spirit and intent upon confronting Pharaoh was grossly different. Think about his spirit and intent this way. Let's say you call your children downstairs to you. The 1st and 2nd time, your child ignores you. The 3rd and 4th time he or she says, "Okay, I'm coming." But they do not come. The 5th time you call them by his or her first name and middle name. Still, he or she doesn't come. The 6th and 7th time you call your child by his or her first, middle and last name and command them to come. He or she doesn't come. The 8th and 9th time you use all his or her names and give them an ultimatum. If there is still no response, you go to him or her and bring them where you desired. This is only what you have done. Consider what is going on for you mentally and emotionally. You become irritated, angry, and more insistent. Finally, you take action to ensure that you will not be denied your request. With each request and failure to respond your spirit and intent heightens. By the 10th time you know, your child knows and everyone with in hearing range knows you mean business! Right?

If Moses was unsure of himself when he left Midian, then he had to arrive in Egypt still unproven and thus still unsure of himself! Maybe it took the passing of 10 tests to certify Moses as the real deal if only in his own mind! And clearly this was the most important mind and the one unaccounted. Pharaoh had to be prevented from complying with Moses' request the 1st time. God already determined Moses was the one. Moses was the only one that didn't believe he was the one! So perhaps the miracles and plagues were as much for Moses benefit as the benefit of others.

Regardless, it is easy to look at outcomes and assign greatness. But the real, awe-inspiring truth of greatness rests in what one overcomes to accomplish such acts of heroism. This is true in marriage, parenting and relationships in communities, churches and even the world.

All have greatness within. Insomuch as we are willing to face the things of which we are most afraid none can prevent us accomplishing our destiny and experiencing deeply, intimately fulfilling relationships! And as was the case with Moses, this necessarily means you and I have to face our fear! There is no other way!

It is the mind-boggling, ego debunking wisdom of God to conceal our greatest achievements in the folds of what we fear the most. That we must confront and overcome fear if we are to experience our greatest joys and fulfillment in life and relationships certainly removes any inclination to boast of our accomplishments! Matthew 17:20 reads,

So Jesus said to them, "Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you."

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