My Husband Blames Me For His Actions: My Husband Blames Me For His Behavior

In homes all over the United States, couples are playing a dangerous game. It's a game that erodes the marriage and leads to resentment, bitterness, and built-up anger. It's known as the blame game. Although most married couples have played it at one time, most don't realize how counter productive it is for a happy marriage. During this tough economic time; however, it's more popular than ever.

The Blame Game in Your Marriage

Here's a common scenario. The couple is paying the bills for the month but because of the recession the money coming in seems to be covering less and less. Then one bill pops up - maybe a credit card bill or a phone bill - that is higher than normal. The blame game begins. The husband blames the wife for running up the bill. The wife blames the husband for not looking for a better paying job. Pretty soon the blame game escalates and the bill that triggered the entire mess is forgotten.

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After the fight ends, both people feel bad about fighting over something as trivial as a bill. They feel guilty about the fight but also a bit angry because the other person "always puts the blame on them" for whatever goes wrong in the relationship. Over time, this resentment builds up and becomes almost as tangible as a real wall blocking intimacy, communication, and compassion in the marriage.

Save Your Marriage = End the Blame Game

The worst part about the blame game is that it causes long lasting damage without providing any positive benefits. When the fighting ends, no solution has been reached. The bill isn't any closer to being paid. As a result, the same fight is likely to be repeated over and over again.

While this game may have been part of your marriage for a long time, you can still save your marriage by ending the cycle. Learning how to do that isn't easy. You've probably watched every couple in your life poison their marriage playing this game. A new book called How to Have a Good Marriage in a Bad Economy can help have a happy marriage.

With the help of this book, you'll find an alternative to the blame game that will work.

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What's in a kiss and a hug you might ask? The answer is a lot and for couples who are so busy attending to their daily tasks as parents or workers, these should never be taken for granted.

If you want to make your marriage last, giving your partner a romantic kiss and tight hug every day is very important. Marriage therapists recommend these two gestures to be incorporated in your daily lives to keep the romance alive. Oftentimes, couples have crazy schedules and are so engrossed with their work and their household chores that they forget to attend to each other's needs. When this happens, they find themselves a bit estranged and then become uncomfortable with each other.

But there's something you can do to avoid this issue. Keep in mind, however, that if both of you can't be consistent in taking the effort, at least one spouse should commit to giving the kiss and hug every day without fail. These gestures may be simple to do but when done often and with much love from each other, it can inspire, promote peace and love as well as keep your marred life happy.

Marriage counselors don't just recommend giving your partner a simple kiss. It has to be a kiss that will wow and inspire your spouse. This gesture is something that will make you breathless and is sure to release that energy you have meant for romance.

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If you're not at ease doing this in front of your children, you can always steal a moment and hide behind the door or inside a closet. You can do this before your other half leaves for work and when he or she arrives home. It can be a minute or less but regardless it's something that you will always look forward to doing.

The hug, on the other hand, should be done with your full body. It's different from the one you give or get from a friend or parent. It's something that will remind you of home and a spouse or family you can live happily with throughout your lifetime. And again, this act of hugging is a very effective way of nurturing your romantic relationship.

Married couples should know that they can give these hugs and kisses even when not in their usual sexual encounter. While these gestures can lead to being sexually aroused, they can also be done in other instances.

These two acts of love are surefire ways to keep romance alive in your relationship. Therapists refer to them as vital in releasing the so called romantic energy in married couples. When this type of energy is present, there's a big chance that couples will always crave to be together and even go on sleepless nights just so they can savor each other's presence.

So if you're one of those who can relate to this and acknowledges the fact that you lack the romantic energy in your relationship, then it's time to make that move and shower your partner with a great kiss and hug every day moving onwards.

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As human beings, we are not identical. The result of this is that we all have our own opinions and differences in the way we think, act and almost everything else. However, there is an unimaginable number of marriages that break down and fail because of these differences. These differences can be caused because of different family backgrounds, culture, growing up and so many other factors. However, somehow couples cannot get past these differences and find themselves struggling to deal with these in a marriage.

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So among the first things that a couple needs to work on to save a marriage from being ruined because of differences is patience. Both partners should be patient with each other and come to an understanding that even if they share differences in opinions, that would not affect their love and the relationship. This is a very difficult thing to work on, because usually in a relationship, each partner wants to impose their own opinions and thoughts and even ways of life on the other. This is where the clash is created.

To save a marriage, it is very important to talk. Even though both the partners might be disagreeing on almost everything being discussed, they both should agree to disagree and talk about each other's opinions as much as possible. What you can decide on is a non-imposition rule which always works while taking each other's differences in opinions in a light hearted fashion. This is the only way that such differences can be dealt with.

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"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -Lynnette, age 8.

Even at the tender age of eight Lynette was onto something. I don't have to mention this to the women reading: we men often practice selective deafness when our spouses and women friends talk to us. And we often run on and on about whatever interests us at the time--baseball scores, the stock market, stock car races, chain saws etc.--ignoring the feminine voice trying to tell us the dryer is on fire. The age old tale of Moses wandering around in the desert with the Israelites may have had some basis in actual fact; it could be that the old fellow may have been getting directions, just not hearing them very well. After all, the Sinai isn't all that large a place.

Why is it that people have a difficult time communicating, especially spouses, especially older spouses? Is it just because we have different interests? Are we built differently? Do men have smaller ears?

Doesn't matter, does it? It's just true, and we have to learn to expect the difference, even if they're just stylistic. Particularly as we grow older, hearing loss and styles of communicating become accentuated. Here, then, are a few tips on understanding the problem, and how to approach it in as courteous and loving way as possible to the benefit of your marriage. You might call it a sound investment in each other.

Do you call your mate from another room in the house? This is such common practice you may not even realize it's an irritation. Ask your mate, and their answer may surprise you. Particularly if your spouse is hard of hearing, they may tell you they hate it when you call to them from another room because they have to drop what they're doing and go see what you want. They consider it disrespectful, and an interruption of whatever they're doing. My wife and I work from home, in separate offices twenty feet apart, and we used to have this issue. Then we (actually I) understood she disliked the yelling back and forth, so we learned how to use our computers' chat feature, and voila', problem solved.

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The two of you may be operating with a different level of understanding, and the conversation may seem awkward, or strained. Thinking the conversation is over, mates have been known to simply walk away when this happens. As you might imagine, or if it's happened to you, this is a mystifying outcome. Your spouse may believe you're finished, or they may feel as if they're being attacked in some way if they misunderstand. It's been said that the real obstacle to understanding isn't ignorance; it's the illusion of knowledge. If we think we understand something but really don't, all manner of mischief is possible. Don't be afraid to ask questions, even if they seem inane or childish.

Especially for older married couples, the possibility exists that the trouble communicating is related to some physical ailment, and should be investigated. Some people's hearing does fluctuate over time. Those with Meniere's disease often exhibit this characteristic, as do people with other hearing disorders. It's important in these cases to understand that this natural fluctuation in hearing is in addition to the other factors that can cause variations in your mate's ability to hear you. Here again, my experience may be helpful. My former career in aviation involved long periods exposed to high levels of sound, from turbine engines, screaming rotor blades, and radio frequencies drilling into my headset day after day. As conscientious as I tried to be, wearing ear plugs, headset and helmet all the time, my hearing loss is still significant. One thing my mate and I have learned to do is be aware of the deficit, and make adjustments accordingly: We don't converse when the dishwasher is running; we don't call each other on our cell phones from a windy place; we turn down the TV or radio prior to asking questions etc.; and we're careful to get the others' attention before trying to talk in a crowded room. If my wife realizes she hasn't made herself clear, she'll actually touch my arm, and repeat what she said. As an addendum to this, I never pull the deaf card when I actually forget something she told me to do, because, well, I'm a guy, I forget things. She seems able to remember what I said on our honeymoon, and every day thereafter. Go figure.

As for situations that elicit irritation and possible conflict when differentials on hearing occur, here are a few to be aware of: Going out with friends. Did they understand you? Talking on the phone.

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It can be a source of real frustration for both of you when a hearing loss or inability to interact well with other people restricts your social life. Every one of us needs to get out with friends and family once in a while, and if one of you is threatened by that situation because you don't hear well, it's much easier to just stay home. One solution to this is to identify locales such as restaurants and the like where you know the extraneous noise level is low. Another possibility is to meet at someone's home, or your own, or, if they insist on going out, call ahead for a table or booth in the quietest part of the facility.

If you don't know for sure whether or not your mate heard you it can be irritating, confusing, even dangerous. If hearing loss is a reality, perhaps a signal of some kind is in order. A simple question, such as "Did you hear me okay?" may suffice. On the other side of this scenario, the one who doesn't hear well, or who has a habit of inattention, needs to acquire the habit of asking for a repeat, if that's what it takes. No one likes being ignored; no one dislikes being asked for clarification.

I already mentioned our difficulty with cell phones in the wind. My spouse has learned that any attempt to phone me when it's windy is a study in frustration. So she doesn't. She goes out of her way to find a calm spot, or waits till she's inside.

So communicating well in a quality marriage is more than just hearing each other, but it's that, too. At some point it comes down to basic courtesy and appreciating your spouse's interest. As they say, there's a reason we have two ears and one mouth. In marriage that's one bit of wisdom that helps create a sound investment for both of you. One last item: sometimes what's truly important is hearing what your mate doesn't say.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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