My Husband Blames Me For His Actions: My Husband Blames Me For His Behavior

The deadliest habits you can have in a relationship are criticizing and blaming. William Glasser, MD, lists Seven Deadly Habits of External Control. He says these habits destroy relationship and I agree. The top two deadly habits are criticizing and blaming. Criticizing and blaming are the two worst habits you can have if you want your relationship to succeed.

When you criticize your spouse, you eat away at her self-confidence. At first she may be able to blow off your words, but as they pile up, she begins to feel bad about herself. She may even wonder if she made the right choice in marrying you. As a result, she may become defensive and resentful toward you.

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When you blame your spouse, he may accept it at first and try harder to please you. Eventually, your words of blame fall on deaf ears. He may begin to do the opposite of what you demand as you continue to lay the blame at his feet, whether or not he is at fault. He may start to avoid you or give you the silent treatment when he's around you.

Now, I know that both men and women do these deadly habits. So often spouses use these habits because they are unhappy and they want something to change. These two unhappy people try to control each other with the deadly habits of criticizing and blaming. What you, my dear reader, must understand is that you are the only person who can control yourself.

I want you to realize that you can choose which behaviors and habits are helpful and which are harming your relationship. Isn't that freeing? You can choose. Is it easy to maintain self-discipline and to monitor what you say and how you act? Well, no, it is not. But, yes, it is possible to learn!

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For decades and decades marriage counseling has been viewed as an effective way for couples to resolve problems and have happier and more long lasting relationships. For many couples this has proven to be true. For millions of others though, marriage counseling has been a failure and most of these couples have gone on to divorce. If you have already tried marriage counseling and your marriage is still troubled, then this may be the most important article you ever read. You can save your marriage by using an approach that has proven to be more successful than traditional marriage counseling.

I know this works because it is the same plan I used to save my marriage and many other couples have used it as well. Here are the basics:

- Commit yourself 100% to saving your marriage regardless of what your spouse is doing

- Don't get caught up in blaming yourself or your spouse for whatever is wrong in the marriage

- Get out of any negative emotional state you are in and put yourself in a calm, confident and resourceful state.

- Avoid the common mistakes that most people make when facing a divorce. These mistakes will kill any chance you have of saving your marriage!

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- Take the focus off of you and your spouse and put the focus directly on the marriage

- Be willing to follow a step by step plan even when it feels like the complete opposite of what you should be doing!

The fact of the matter is that there are certain things that you can do and say and certain ways that you can behave which will begin to change the dynamics in the relationship. Amazingly enough, this even works when you are the only one trying to save the marriage! It works when everything else has failed. It is nothing like the traditional marriage counseling model where the focus is always on each of you as individuals and developing better communication skills. While this model is fine for individuals, it is of little use in saving troubled marriages.

The most important point I want to make is that time is not on your side right now! The longer you wait...hoping things will get better, or even worse, making the common critical mistakes people make, the less you chances are of saving your marriage. That's what nearly happened to me in my own marriage. I kept hoping things would work themselves out. They didn't until I took action.

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Are you asking yourself is your marriage in trouble? If you are, you should look into taking some actions before it is too late. However, it is not possible to save marriage alone because it takes two hands to clap. In order for a marriage to work, both of you have to work at nurturing it together. Therefore, if you want to save your relationship, then you will have to gain the support and cooperation of your spouse. In order to do that, you have to develop a strong bond and rapport with your partner.

Like most couples, you would most probably have started off your relationship on a very positive note, filled with lots of devotion and love. However, over time, you feel that love seemed to have disappeared and you are left wondering if you have done anything to cause your marriage to fail. You either feel that you are fully responsible and start to blame yourself for allowing the relationship to turn sour or you might decide that you are not to be blamed and refused to take any responsibility for the drift. Either way, you have come to a conclusion that everything is just so hopeless so you want to give up, in order not to get hurt any further.

Does it really have to be that way? Is there no way you can save a marriage in trouble? You can still save your relationship if you try hard enough. No, I do not mean trying to save marriage alone because that will only cause you more pain, emotionally. You will have to first gain the support of your spouse and together, both of you will be able to salvage your marriage and stop divorce.

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First of all, you will need to analyze your relationship. Do you think that your love for each other is strong enough to withstand all obstacles? True love will be able to withstand anything because both of you will be willing to do anything for each other. On the other hand, if your love had been founded on false love, your marriage will fail at the face of any obstacles. Does your relationship sound more the first or second kind?

If you have decided that your love is true and you do not want to see your relationship coming to an end because both of you had been so full of plans for your future together so far, then your next step is to identify the problem that you are facing. However, if your situation is one of pretence as you have been living from day to day like you were still dating at high school, then you might want to reconsider whether it is worthwhile saving your marriage.

After you have identified your problem, what should you do next? Start to communicate opening. Yes, I know you might have heard this many times, but do you know what your spouse's needs are? Are you both sharing your inner thoughts, plans, joy and even pain with each other? If you are not sharing with each other, you are not bonding and without bonds, a relationship is destined to fail. It is only through sharing that you know the inner pains that each other is feeling.

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As mentioned earlier, it takes two hands to clap so if a relationship fails, both of you are at fault. Both of you are responsible for making the marriage work and by sharing your emotions calmly, reasonably and rationally, will you be able to let each other know of your inner thoughts. This is the best way to strengthen a relationship.

It is important to remember that nobody wins or lose in an argument. Both of you are different individuals so you will have your own ideas and opinions. In order to be a loving couple, it does not mean that both of you have to agree on everything. You can agree to disagree! In other words, learn to respect each other's views but find a common ground to develop your bond and improve your marriage. For instance, you could start by showing some interest in your spouse's hobbies. Who knows, you might end up loving it even more than your partner!

In order to save your relationship, it is vital that you talk to each other and let your spouse know how you feel about what he or she has done or not done. But most importantly, do not harbor resentment or feel guilty over what has already happened. Give each other time and forgive each other for all the wrongs committed. It is only when you have both decided to start afresh can you save marriage in trouble but it can be done. Just take action right away!

Do you want to reawaken a committed and loving relationship in your marriage? There are proven steps that are amazingly powerful that will help you overcome conflicts and breathe life back into your marriage. This is a plan you do not want to pass by. Click here to see the proven steps on how to save your marriage.

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There are specific techniques that will show you exactly what to do and what to say to get your spouse back in your arms- Especially if you are the only one trying... Visit Save The Marriage to find out more.

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