My Husband Cheated and I Don't Love Him Anymore: Falling Out Of Love after Infidelity

I hear from a good deal of women who have recently found out about their husband's affair. A large number of them are at least open to the idea of one day repairing their marriage, but they have doubts as to whether or not this will be possible. The main factor in these doubts is often the wife wondering if she will ever be able to "get over" the affair.

And there is another subset of wives that tend to get less discussion. These are the wives who suspect that, in time and with a lot of assistance, they may in fact be able to get over the affair. But they don't necessarily know if they want to. They wonder if it would even be worth it to try.

Here are is an example of the type of comment that you might hear from someone in this subset: "honestly, my husband seems so desperate to win me back after his affair, that I have no doubt in my mind that he will do whatever I ask of him. So it is not outside of the realm of possibility that we could save our marriage. I could envision a scenario where my husband would make a super-human effort to be the kind of husband that I deserve and then afterward, I might be open to 'getting over' the affair and moving on with my life. I do believe that I COULD do that. The problem is that I am not sure that I WANT to do that. Because I feel that doing so would say as much about my own character as cheating did for my husband's character. I've never had much respect for women who blindly 'stand by their man.' It seems a little pathetic. And so to keep my own self respect intact, I feel that I have to almost cut my husband loose and just accept that this might be the end for us. And I'm really sorry about that. But I'm not the one who cheated. Is it valid to just not want to get over it?"

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I think that any choice you make is valid. You didn't choose for him to have an affair, but you most certainly have a choice as to how you want to move forward. No one can make this choice for you. Only you know how you feel and what your wishes truly are. I can't really address that for you.

But what I can address is how you may look at things a little differently as this process goes along. I can only speak from my own heart - having gone through this. I had very similar concerns as yours. I worried about my self esteem and self respect if I stayed with my husband. Because of these concerns, I did not make a commitment to stay. And I did not make a decision to leave. (Since I was just as worried about my anger causing me to make decisions as I was about my own self respect.)

I will admit that my kids were a big influence on my decision. People may feel that this isn't right or valid or that I was putting someone need's instead of my own. I'm not here to debate this. I'm admitting that, in the beginning, it influenced my decision. That said, if my husband had not been willing to step up to the plate and make things right, then no outside influences would have mattered.

I would not have been willing to save a marriage unless there had been remorse and rehabilitation. And there was both. Because I was concerned about my self esteem and self respect, I set very high hurdles for my husband, none of which discouraged him. He did everything that I was asked and even a little more.

I was very aware of rebuilding my self esteem and building myself up. I did not want to always think that I had settled because I was afraid not to. Because of this self-work, I never feel as though I was forced to stay or as though I didn't have other options. It was a choice.

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Nearly all marriages will eventually reach a crisis point in the relationship where it is make it or break it time. The couple will either work through the crisis together or split up. I'd like to offer some important advice on how to save marriages that are in crisis. This information is based on my personal experience as well as the combined experience of the thousands who have walked this same path and saved their marriages.

I want to stress to you that I am not a marriage counselor or therapist. I'm just a guy who has been through the ringer in a marriage that nearly ended a few years ago. So obviously, the point of view I bring to you isn't a professional one. But what I have learned since that fateful day when my wife told me she wanted a divorce is stuff that I never heard from any of the so-called "professionals"! Because my wife and I tried everything, including professional marriage counseling. And like most couples, it was not much help to our marriage.

I found out later that traditional marriage counseling only has a success rate of about 20%. And many of these experts call themselves doctors! Would you go to a doctor who was only able to help 20% of his or her patients? Me neither! Maybe that explains why the divorce rate is so high. In any case, my marriage was in serious trouble and getting worse.

What if your spouse don't love you anymore? Here's how to get them addicted to you like when you fell in love for the first time

Here is what I almost learned the hard way after my wife asked for a divorce and the marriage nearly ended. It is the most important advice that I can offer you:

1. Avoid making the critical mistakes that will doom your chances to save the marriage. These include crying begging and pleading, constant phone calls email and texts, promises to change, threats and jealousy, using the kids as a weapon etc. All of these tactics will make you appear desperate, surrenders all the power to your spouse, make you much less desirable and will make the situation considerably worse. Your best bet is to remain non-chalant, calm, cool and collected, regardless of how you may be feeling on the inside.

2. Even if you are trying to save the marriage by yourself you must dedicate 100% to it. You will be the one taking the calm and powerful action to work through this crisis and save your marriage. There are things that you can do that will cause changes to take place even if your spouse does nothing at all!

3. Be prepared to love your spouse enough to let him or her go! I know that this might sound scary, and may be the total opposite of what seems natural but the more you cling to a partner who wants space, the more that person will pull away. Again, by allowing the natural space to occur between you right now, the more perspective you will both gain, the more attractive you will seem to each other, and the better your chances for a healthy resolution to the problems that you are having.

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While many people will give you various advice on ways to stop a divorce there is a good way to test if the advice is any good. Does this advice help in the long term or short term? Does this advice come from a base of love and compassion of trickery and deceit? These are the factors that you can use to filter the real solutions from the chaff.

Why people offer advice that is short term or based on deception may be because it has worked for them by luck or that they do not really understand the base reasons for a successful happy marriage and only look at ways to stop breaking apart rather than reasons to stay together which may sound like the same thing but are a world apart. You see stopping a divorce is a short term solution but it the first thing people look for, building a marriage for the long term is harder but yields better results of course. Too many look for ways to stop a marriage and promise themselves they will improve their marriage for the long term once the immediate threat to stability is over but in doing so they either forget to follow through or they damage their chance in their actions to stop the divorce with trickery. So while the title to this article is about ways to stop a divorce they are geared to help with longer term relationships issues to stop it happening again

1. Act, Don't Talk - How often have you said that everything will be fine, that you can change, that things will get better. How often do you think your partner believes you, how often have you said it before with no results? Words in a time of crisis can feel hollow no matter how heartfelt. The more it sounds like an excuse the more this kind of reasoning will make matters worse. Actions speak louder than words and show true love and commitment. Don't say, just DO!

What if your spouse already left you? Here's how to get them back.

2. Do Not Blackmail - One problem that is easy to fall into is using emotional blackmail to get a result, this may get a short term result but will ultimately fail. Using children as a weapon is often used and simply breeds resentment for example. Another case of emotional blackmail is something we do accidentally using the words "but I love you." nothing sounds as bad as this in a heated argument not because it is a lie as you genuinely mean it but because it can be seen as a way to bypass a real issue or as a way to hit them were they are vulnerable making them either give in or to reject that love. An ultimatum which in a heated argument is a terrible idea!

3. Lose The Ego - Most divorces start from arguments, yelling matches that are crude ways of airing frustrations in a desperate attempt to find a solution to a deeper problem that your egos may be hiding from your partner. When you marry someone you are suppose to open up to them your heart and soul and put aside your ego which is used to shield you against the harshness of the world but can only inhibit love and its problems in a relationship. Instead you must learn to put aside your defenses and your counter arguments, let your guard down and do not fight back. This may hurt but only by doing this can you defuse the anger and tension and you will find that if your partner loves you they will also not want to attack an unarmed opponent and will stop seeing you as an opponent but instead as their lover and partner. Of all the ways to stop a divorce this is the most important skill to true resolution and the growth of love.

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I sometimes hear from wives who are getting a troubling vibe from their husbands during a marital or trial separation. Often, the wife had expected or hoped that the husband would miss her or be receptive when she attempts to reach out to him. Instead, the wife feels that the husband sees her as sort of annoyance. This can leave her wondering what to do when what she wants most is to end the separation and save her marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: "after my husband bugged me for almost a year to give him some time and to agree to a separation, I finally agreed. And the only reason that I agreed was because it seemed clear that he was going to leave me if I didn't agree. However, I tried to have a very upbeat attitude and I tried to believe that we would get through it. I figured that I would try to set it up so that we could see each regularly and hopefully have the necessary distance and perspective to work on our marriage. But, I have to admit that every time I try to talk to or reach out to my husband, he gives me the cold shoulder. At first I thought that I was only imagining it or was acting out of fear. But for the past couple of weeks, I've made a note in my journal of what my husband says or does when I try to initiate contact or a meeting with him. Now that I see all of this in black and white, it's clear to me that he's annoyed by me right now. When I call, he at first will nicely try to get off the phone but when I try to keep him on the phone longer, then he gets very short with me and starts to raise his voice. Last time we talked, he asked me to let him call me the next time. When I went by his office and asked him to have lunch with me, he very abruptly told me that he was busy and all but shooed me out of his office. I then asked him if he got the card that I sent him and he sighed deeply before he admitted that he had got it but hasn't really had a chance to look at it. When I take all of this information together, I come to the conclusion that my husband thinks I'm bugging or annoying him. And I admit that I have gone out of my way to make sure he remembers that he is still very married, and I also admit that I worry that if he doesn't see or hear from me regularly, he will forget about our marriage and his commitment to it. How do I make sure that I am still on his mind without him seeing me as annoying?" I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Know That Continuing On As You Are Will Probably Only Make Things Worse: I know first hand that the more you feel your husband pulling away from you, the more you will often want to cling to him. The idea that he is asserting his independence or even considering moving further away from you or your marriage is often too much to bear. So, you feel as if you need to do something, even if you know that it might elicit a negative reaction. And you have this inclination because you don't want for him to forget about you. You'd almost rather him think of you as annoying than to not think of you at all.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

I completely understand this as I was in this very difficult place also. But what I didn't understand at the time was that the more I pushed, the more likely my husband was to think that he needed to break away from me totally to be free of my over the top actions. Intellectually, I knew that I was probably only making things worse, but the idea of not regularly reaching out to my husband and trying to save my marriage was just too much for me to even consider.

However, one day it dawned on me that my actions were actually making a divorce more likely instead of less likely. I decided to just take a break and go back to my hometown to receive some love and support from my family. And I was floored when all of a sudden my husband became receptive to me very shortly after I took a break. It wasn't my intention to stop what I was doing for good. I just wanted to see some loving faces. But the about face by my husband gave me pause. I couldn't deny that my backing off (even if it wasn't intentional) actually made a positive difference. So I decided to take things a little further to see if it would improve things even more. And believe it or not, it did.

Ask Yourself What You have To Lose By Backing Off Just A Bit: I know that you might imagine that bad things are going to happen if you back off some. You worry about him forgetting his commitments. But can you see that by not backing off, you risk what you fear the most? You risk him becoming so frustrated that he blocks his access to him or he starts dodging you to avoid the entire situation altogether. What if you made a commitment to back off just for a couple of days in order to see if this would inspire some relief or improvement.

The Logistics Of Backing Off: Many wives understand that backing off might be beneficial, but they aren't sure if they are going to be able to pull it off. They can't imagine being out of touch for that long. They worry that they won't be able to stop themselves from calling or coming by. I had the same concerns which is why I went out of town and I left my cell phone in my mom's care. I knew if I had access to my husband, I couldn't stay away. Instead, I journaled, I spent time with people who loved me and were thrilled to see me, and I tried to focus on myself and what I wanted outside of my marriage just for me. In short, I decided to build myself up so that I could handle my marital situation better no matter what the outcome turned out to be. It was beginning to be apparent that I needed to take better care of myself regardless of how this turned out.

And as soon as I made myself a priority, my husband took notice. Of course I can't promise that this will always happen. But I can say that it makes sense to stop pursuing a strategy that is clearly annoying or frustrating your husband. When one strategy doesn't work, perhaps it's time to pursue another that is more healthy for both of you.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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