My Husband Hates Me For My Past: My Husband Hates My Past

I often receive emails from folks (usually from wives) who describe their marriages as "loveless." Even though this may have been going on for a while, most of the time, people haven't really come to accept this. Although most of those who write me don't want to end their marriages, most want to change it. Most know that they deserve better and that living this way is lonely, potentially unhappy, and not optimal.

Along those same lines, many begin to wonder if things can ever change. Living and relating this way has become a habit and since, at least right now, no one has been willing to attempt lasting change, many people doubt that the "loveless" state of the marriage can ever turn around. Many people feel that things are as good as they are going to get and they just have to effectively learn to live with this as best they can.

Well, I actually do believe that loveless marriages can turn around because I've seen it happen numerous times. What's often required is that only one party is willing to attempt change and is also willing to accept gradual victories that lead to a whole new marriage over time. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Has Your Marriage Always Been Loveless?: Often, when I ask this question, people pause before they answer. It may be a long way back until they are able to remember that things were different. But, they often have to concede that once upon a time, things were. Usually, there is a very distinct and strong contrast between the way that things were then and the way that they are now. Most people will look back at the loving times full of excuses. They will say things like "yes, but that's when we were young and stupid and had no idea about priorities or the real world where people have responsibilities."

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This is a sound argument. If you met your spouse when you were much younger, it only makes sense that neither of you had the responsibilities and pressures that you have now. But, it's also likely that you didn't have the defense mechanisms that you've built up either. It's likely that you approached things with a free heart and with less reservations and weariness. And, it's also likely that you found a way to invest more time and effort.

This was all shiny and new and you were likely quite enjoying the pay off that you were getting and were willing to give quite a bit to make sure that this continued. The result of course was a relationship that grew to be so strong and lasting that you wanted to make it permanent. Of course, once this happens, it seems that there's no longer a need to have to put in the time and effort. You're married after all. Your spouse knows that you're committed and you expect that things will continue right on as they have been. It's very common to make these types of assumptions. But doing so is often the beginning of a shift in your marriage that only intensifies over time.

The Phrase "Loveless Marriage" Often Has More To Do With Effort And Habits Than It Has To Do With Feelings: I know that people often doubt me when I say this, but I firmly believe it to be true. People will often assume that they've fallen out of love because of a shift in feelings or because of a change in chemistry or in the people involved. I strongly disagree with this based on experience, observations, and research.

In fact, the shifts that people describe are often directly related to a shift in behaviors, efforts, and habits. It's completely human nature to begin to get comfortable, complacent and to take things for granted when given enough time to do so. Add this inclination onto the huge amount of responsibilities that most of us have today, and you have a recipe for complacency that derails many marriages.

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Once real life and children or aging parents begin to demand our attention, a natural and inevitable shift takes place. We don't mean to change our priorities and short of demote our spouse. This shift isn't even a conscious one. It's a logical reaction to the new demands of our life. But, it does have consequences. And one of these is that your marriage suffers. Resentment and apathy will very often follow. Eventually, the connection begins to wane and the efforts become less and less as the result. Down the road, the feelings follow and change. And people mistake this for thinking that they are no longer in love or are living in a loveless marriage.

Bringing Back The Effort Will Often Bring Back The Feelings: I really dislike the term "loveless marriage." I think that most times, this is an unfair and inaccurate term. Usually, the two people still feel a good deal of affection for one another. But what has happened is that priorities have shifted, neglect has taken place, this has become a habit, and people make the assumption that the feelings are gone.

Very often, I see that if people bring their focus back on their marriage, they will come to realize that the love wasn't gone. It was just missing because the effort was also missing. They have gotten into the habit of sort of ignoring the needs of the marriage and their spouse and so they are just coexisting. But, if they can change this, they will often see that the feelings change also.

Many people are willing to do this but they just don't know where to start, Old habits are hard to break and that's why it's advisable to start slowly. Just begin trying to bring some of your focus on relating in a positive way each day. Remember the things that used to bring you together and incorporate them into your life. This doesn't need to cost a lot of money. Remember when you were dating and a walk in the park seemed like the most romantic thing? Just bringing your focus back to each other in scenarios that are low pressure and enjoyable will often set a stage onto which you can continue to build a new foundation.

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To see love die is one of the saddest things to witness in life. If you are asking "how to rekindle the love you once had," then you must be going through a lot of pain at the moment. Love is a funny thing, but I guess you already know that. Love can hit you like a bolt of lightning but equally, it can disappear at a moment's notice.

If your marriage is going through a tough time at the moment, I can assure you that you are not on your own. I have been there and I know what it is like to be at war with someone you are supposedly in love with. There is good news; however, if you are serious about finding out how to rekindle the love you once had. Love can be very complicated, but what I found when I was in your position, is that I didn't have to over complicate an already delicate situation.

The first thing I realised I had to do was to talk with my wife and together, do some serious soul searching as to why we were both so unhappy in our marriage. That's it; tackle the situation head on, but in a loving, caring way with a view to making our marriage better. Once we identified where we were going wrong, it was a matter of putting an action plan together to ensure we stopped making these simple mistakes. After that it was plain sailing.

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One of the keys after all this in helping us to learn how to rekindle the love we once had, was to make sure that we put time into loving and appreciating each other. The odd night at the movies or dinner and the occasional romantic night away did wonders to bring us closer together, not just for the sex, but more importantly, the friendship.

We are now each other's best friend and I can honestly say that the time and effort that we put into fixing our marriage has been an investment in our future. Our marriage and our family could not be better and I thank God that the lights dawned on me early enough and paved the way for me to understand the importance of learning how to rekindle the love in our marriage.

The same can happen for you if you really want to make your marriage work rather than head to the divorce courts like so many, sadly seem to do these days.

You will be amazed to learn that when some couples hit tough times in their marriage, they make basic mistakes which makes it even harder for them to fix their marriage.

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The cold war. Every marriage has seen a glimpse of it. This is when a couple share long, steady periods of silence amongst themselves, all the time building up on ammunition to strike next, at the best given time. The fatalistic aspect of the cold war is that there is no meltdown until one party cries uncle and gives in to a disgruntled yet smug spouse, who takes his / her sweet time to respond. Here is the question though: what is the end game for such a tactic? How else can it be achieved? Most importantly, can it be achieved without going through the wear and tear of the silent treatment?

As a Relationship Coach a crucial factor that needs to be determined is what the end game actually is. If the purpose of an endless silent battle ensuing in the house that affects everyone who lives in it is for the husband to understand his wife's point of view, then there is a much simpler and less grueling way to achieve the purpose. It takes just a small fraction of the amount of time and effort on the wife's part and is easy on the hearts and minds of both partners. This nearly magical trick is called Physical Touch.

The first thing that nearly every wife does on reaching a disagreement with her husband is retracting herself physically from him. Gone are the hugs, the pats of approval and all other endearing terms of affection. In come the icy cold stares, the banging of the doors and meals eaten in uncomfortable silence. A better approach would be for the wife to keep giving her husband the validation that he seeks for the good habits that he keeps up despite a disagreement through means of physical touch.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

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Physical touch is a constant reminder to your spouse that you care. In the face of a minor, or even a major disagreement the one aspect that shows your spouse that you are steadfast in your feelings for him will be your body language towards him. Had it been a critical situation like an accident or a death in the family, the first reaction that people feel is the want of a hug, or any other reassuring touch. Your body language is your expression of security and tells your spouse you are here to stay despite your differences.

The conveyance of security through your endearing body language is imperative also because it is something you would like for yourself. The best way for your spouse to understand the value of an expression of love for you is for him to feel the same intensity for himself. When you selflessly give to him despite a disagreement, he will wish he were the first to think of it.

When disagreements are dealt with as natural aspects of a marriage, and handled with the utmost love throughout its course, both partners emerge from it as refreshed individuals, as their deepest fears of rejection or disapproval are met with unconditional support. The change you want to see in your marriage is entirely dependent on the steps you are willing to take towards it.

Do you want to reawaken a committed and loving relationship in your marriage? There are proven steps that are amazingly powerful that will help you overcome conflicts and breathe life back into your marriage. This is a plan you do not want to pass by. Click here to see the proven steps on how to save your marriage.

Did you know that God commands believers marry in the Lord? If a believer marries a non-believer the marriage could possibly weaken the Christian commitment of the believer. Even so, some Christians marry unbelievers because love has blinded them.

Some Christians believe they can change their spouse to be what they want them to be once they are married, but that is not true at all. In fact a person has to be willing to change for themselves, and not for anyone else.

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? (2 Corinthians 6:14-15)

If you recently have become a believer and your spouse has not, or if you married an unbeliever in err, you are obligated to remain married to them. Marriage is designed to be permanent even through the tough times, such as being married to an unbeliever.

And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. (1 Corinthians 7:13)

If you are married to someone who doesn't believe in Jesus Christ as his or her personal savior, it can be a very difficult time. You have to be strong for them, yourself, and for God. Be the believer for your spouse, but be careful that you do not undermine your own faith because of your spouse's unbelief.

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But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances. (1 Corinthians 7:15)

The above scripture is letting the believer know they are not bound to try and keep the unbeliever with them but it doesn't say anything about remarriage. That's because remarriage to someone else for either spouse would be committing adultery. (Matthew19-9) (Matthew5-32) (1 Corinthians 7-39) (Romans 7:2)

Belief in God is not something that happens because you "go to church" or because you "eat a bite of bread" and "drink some grape juice". These practices are religious rituals that are fine to carry out and experience but they can't save your soul.

...And anyone who does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. (Matthew 10: 38)

True belief in Christ means action. The only thing that will "save you" (preserve your soul) is "taking up your own cross and following Jesus Christ". Going to church is not taking up your cross and following Jesus Christ and never should be mistaken as such.

We can certainly talk a good talk and tell others what good Christians we are, but if our actions say something different won't that confuse our unbelieving spouse? Of course it will. Taking up your cross simply means to die to your sinful and selfish lifestyle. It means you have let go of the old behavior and attitudes that kept you a slave to your sins. It is a rebirth in Jesus Christ.

...To put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (Ephesians 4:22-23)

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Are you reborn a new person in Christ? Do you love your unbelieving spouse unconditionally or are you resentful and bitter inside? We have to be careful how we as believers betray ourselves to others, especially to those who have not accepted the Lord for their life. Are we helping our spouse accept Christ or are we discouraging them?

Whoever does not love does not know God because God is love. (1 John 4:8)

Are you constantly asking your spouse to go to church with you and they refuse because they don't get anything out of "going to church"? Perhaps you should research going to other Christian churches in your area, or simply begin a bible study session in your home and ask your friends and family to join in.

Many times when one accepts Christ for their life they must overcome personal issues within them. These issues will dampen their relationship with Christ. The best way to help your spouse come to Christ is to not behave self-righteous and talk down to them. The more you behave with a "holier than thou attitude" the more your spouse will run from whatever you have to say.

Instead "show" your spouse Christ's principles working in you through your actions. You don't have to say anything to them. Let them see. Be an encourager and a friend. Be doers of The Word and be the church for your spouse. God's people worship in Spirit and in Truth. Belief, faith, and trust must have hands and feet. God's people are the hands and feet of God.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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