My Husband Is A Good Man But I Don't Love Him: I Have Lost Interest In My Husband

Recently, I received some pretty heart felt correspondence from a wife who told me that she just didn't love her husband anymore. She said this with a lot of regret. It was very clear that she wished that things were different. She said her husband was a good person and wonderful father. In fact, he had not done anything wrong. Even more, she said he was theoretically the ideal husband. He was responsible, loving, and thoughtful. But, after so many years of this, she found him sort of boring and predictable and it wasn't a turn on for her.

She said in part: "I do love my husband as a person, but I'm not in love with him. He's a wonderful father. When I watch him with my kids, I'm filled with affection for him, but not passion. I love him as a person. He's my best friend and I doubt that will ever change. But there's no spark between us and I wish there was. I wish I could love him in the way a wife should love her husband but I just don't. What can I do about this? I'd be an idiot to divorce him. He's the husband that most women want, but he just doesn't supply the electricity anymore."

The key word here, in my opinion, is "anymore." Upon further discussion, it become clear that the husband and wife did certainly generate a lot of sparks and heat early in their relationship. So, we knew that this wasn't something that was always absent. I felt pretty strongly that this wife could most certainly "fall in love" with her husband again with just a few adjustments. I'll discuss this more in the following article.

It's A Challenge To Generate Passion Or To Feel "In Love" All OF The Time In A Mature Marriage: Please believe when I say that I'm not trying to downplay the wife's lack of passion. Every one wants and deserves this in their marriage. In no way am I saying that she's unrealistic or wrong to want this. I am saying though, that what she is going through is very common.

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When you're first married, it's so easy to feel excited and passionate because everything is shiny and new and the possibilities are endless. It's exciting to see how this all plays out together. At this point, people are still typically on their best behavior because they're buzzing from the positive pay off that the marriage is providing. The feelings are intense and immediate, but they're hard to sustain.

And, I would argue that when this changes, it's not the feelings that change. It's the life that changes. At some point, you have to share your attention span with both your spouse and the obligations of modern life. Someone has to pay for the house. Someone has to raise the children. And someone has to care for the home and the day to day obligations. This means that you have to share your time and attention now. And this creates stress and a sense of monotony that interferes and competes with all of that passion and excitement.

That's not to say that you have to give into the process or just give up. You certainly don't. But what's usually required if that you begin to see things, and thus prioritize things, a little differently than is the norm in today's society (which is not all that encouraging and supportive to marriages.)

When Loving And Dependable Is Boring And Unexciting: The wife in this case felt very guilty for not seeing the husband's dependability as a good thing. In fact, she saw it as just the opposite and she just couldn't understand this. She said, in part: "This is ridiculous. It's like I'm fourteen years old and would prefer a bad boy or something. This is the husband I always said I wanted. Most wives would be thrilled to have a man like him, but here I am critiquing him because he's not exciting enough for me. It's silly."

The wife may think it's silly but I can tell you that it's so common. If you digest any of the media that surrounds all of us, you'll see that the desirable male characters have just a bit if mystery and danger and this of course makes them that much more appealing. And the guys who are dependable and loving are depicted as nerds. So, it's absolutely normal for wives to reflect this. It's our culture and we're fed it almost daily.

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But, no matter how we form our views and opinions, the fact was that this was the wife's reality. Right or wrong, it was there. So, we had to address it so that she could get back the excitement and passion that she deserved. I swear this was not impossible, but it would require some changes.

Getting The Excitement And Passion Back: Here's the thing. I didn't think there was anything wrong with this husband. And, I didn't think that there was any major flaws with the relationship. I did think, however, that the surroundings, circumstances, and activities could certainly use some improvement. Both spouses had stressful jobs and then they went home to hungry children and household chores. Where's the fun in this? How are you supposed to feel passionate all of the time when you have to get dinner on the table and do the laundry?

Frankly, the husband was started to represent these same household obligations which the wife found a bore. It was vital that the wife change these associations so that she began to see her husband as a welcome escape rather than just an extension of the household which signified obligation and the status quo.

And, in order for this to happen, the wife had to give herself permission to change things up. She needed to place some of the obligations and routines on the back burner and prioritize fun that wasn't predictable. She needed to shake things up so that she didn't associate her husband with those things which she saw as drudgery. This might mean hiring a sitter every once and a while and spontaneously trying new things without worrying about what anyone thought.

Because as it stood now, every after noon, she left her "boring job" to come home to her "boring life" and then she felt that she had nothing all that exciting waiting for her at home. She felt that she had nothing to look forward to but more of the same. In order to return those exciting feelings of unpredictability, she was going to have to ensure that things weren't always so predictable. It likely wasn't her husband she found boring. It was her own life and she was projecting a lot of this onto him.

This actually made a lot of sense to her and she even had some ideas of her own. I'm very hopeful that the next time I hear from her, it will be with good news.

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Whether you have been hurt in a marriage, or have hurt your spouse, mending relationships is still a path that can only lead to success with your committed steps to improve your marriage. The best way to turn your marriage around is to make educated moves that contribute towards bringing you closer to your goals.

Here are 5 effective tips that will supercharge your speed towards your marriage goals.

1) Pick a side, and a direction. In other words, decide that you and your spouse are on the same team, and headed in the same direction. The most essential element of a marriage is that of trust and trust involves knowing that your partner wants the best for your marriage as you do. This means you no longer question your husband's motives or intents, and accept his acts of love in your marriage positively, and with appreciation.

2) Accept responsibility. Own up to your faults, accept responsibility, express your regrets and decide on how you will do things differently. Accepting responsibility for your actions can only bear positive results because you are truly capable of changing your own actions and thoughts, as opposed to pointing fingers and expecting your husband to make the first step towards change.

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3) Mean what you say. Your perception of what your spouse says and what he means are a mere reflection of the thoughts in your head. Once you start opening up to him, expressing your feelings and desires, you will automatically start to receive his expressions with earnestness. Mean what you say, say what you mean and you will begin to trust your spouse with the same.

4) Commit to forgive. Forgiveness is a commitment, and as vital to uphold as marriage itself. Once you have decided to forgive your spouse, you cannot and must not keep referring to past mistakes when upset with him. The best way to move forward in a relationship is to look ahead and not back. Commit to forgive, and look ahead from that point on to save your marriage.

5) Celebrate your success with your spouse. Even if it is going for a day without an argument, celebrate each milestone of your relationship with the one you have decided to share your life with. For those who look to count their blessings, even setting up a new email account is reason to celebrate, with a personalized and intimate first email to your husband. Look for ways to celebrate and your marriage will be filled with positive energy.

Mending relationships involves mending your attitude, replacing previous counter-productive habits with more useful ones, and occupying your time to focus on what you want, instead of thinking of the things you do not. You will only become closer to the aspects of your relationship that you think about the most, so focus on all that makes you happy with your husband, instead of what might have been.

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Not everyone is made out of a cookie cutter mold so every marriage will have different components of a healthy marriage as well. Your idea of wedded bliss may be a little different, but many successful marriages will have some sort of combination of the following 3 things: commitment, balance of power, and intimacy.

Commitment may seem like an obvious part of a healthy marriage, but this not only in reference to fidelity. Being committed to your marriage means putting your significant other first. Many times, in an unhealthy relationship, either the husband or wife will put work, kids, friends, or other activities before their spouse, leaving the other half feeling like they are insignificant and putting a strain on the marriage.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

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Balance of power is not as obvious as commitment, but it is just as important. In a sound union, the husband and wife share the decision making responsibilities. Even if a decision falls into a field where one partner has more knowledge than the other, the spouse with more experience should share their ideas with the other so they can voice their opinions as well. Sometimes, a person with less experience in a field can think of a concern that may not be apparent to the other; allowing the couple to arrive at a whole set of options that would not have been considered before.

Intimacy in a healthy relationship doesn't only pertain to making love. A couple needs to feel that they can share their deepest and darkest thoughts with each other without being chastised for their ideas. Making love is important, but being able to just act goofy with each other can also count as an intimate moment as well. My husband and I often blame the other for making each other goofy, but for the most part we just feel comfortable acting like ourselves.

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A devoted wife writes on the anniversary of her 9-year marriage:

We've been in the valleys and we have climbed mountains, crossed rivers and raging torrents, dealt with collapsed bridges and tread some rocky roads. But we have also touched the stars, seen the moon and felt the sun's warming rays. We love, are loved and are infinitely blessed. ~Meryl Gennissen.

Marriage seems to be an all-weathers journey intended, in the context of family, to hone our characters in the likeness of Christ.

The depths experienced in marriage resemble weather on earth; the heights resemble the heavenly beings - the sun, moon and stars.

As we consider the imagery cast before us above we can see what an adventure it is, at least as we look back. It's not always that 'exciting' in the midst of those torrents and on those rocky roads. At some points marriage is too exciting to bear! Every married couple surely recognises for all the heights there are the pits too, and more than enough of them.


Meeting a single friend for lunch recently we again ventured into territory for them that brings unrequited sadness - the want of a partner to share all their life with.

There enfolds the sanctity of marriage. For those who've married, singles are very often pleasantly envious.

But singles mightn't fully recognise the challenges embedded in married life. Even though "two are better than one" (Ecclesiastes 4:9a), "two" makes for all sorts of perilous ventures because of the complexity involved in two different people living as one flesh.

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Marriage is intended not simply for God's purposes in the procreation of progeny but it's centrally entwined in God's purposes for the honing of character in both partners. This is most visible with recount of the meteorology in marriage - growth under all conditions without recourse to rehearsal. Yes, we do all this familial living in 'live' time, with plenty of practice for regret, guilt and shame (all which we must find ways to recover from).


The principle of God's refining fire is outlined in Hebrews 12:1-13. It details the depths that Jesus went to, and that our depths will not ever be so deep. Because of God's love for us, we therefore "endure trials for the sake of discipline" (verse 7a) and "later" (verse 11) we discover the meaning in it all.

As we consider now in reflection the myriad emotion that marriage takes us through over the years, we can understand that the discipline couched in 'wedded bliss' is for our mutual benefit, and for the family's; it's for God's purposes that we grow suchlike.

To find - as our quote above attests - that "we love, are loved and are infinitely blessed," in spite of the triumphs and hardships, is a vast sphere of united wisdom.

Marriage, with all its weather, does make us better.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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