My Husband Is Depressed and Pushing Me Away: Depression and Marriage Breakdown

I sometimes hear from wives who feel pretty sure that their husband's mental health is contributing to his wanting to end the marriage. These women sometimes tell me that their husbands are dealing with depression, anxiety, and/or loss, and they feel very strongly that these things are greatly contributing to their husband wanting out. Of course, the husband usually does not agree. He will sometimes feel that his depression is the direct result of the marital issues or sometimes he will take the other side of the coin and tell you that one thing has nothing whatsoever to do with the other. And of course, the wives have a hard time buying this. I often hear things like "he just can not see that his depression and his negative outlook is clouding his perceptions of everything with his life - including our marriage."

And, the wife is often quite right about this. But the problem is, that being right doesn't matter if your husband is not going to see this. Because if he disagrees and you continue to argue your case, all he's going to hear is nagging and he's going to walk away with the perception that you are being critical, do not really understand him, or think that he's not smart or perceptive enough to evaluate his own feelings (and the cause for them.) This potentially puts you in a no win situation, especially if you continue to point out his depression. There's often a more successful way that you can play this, which I will discuss in the following article.

Whether The Depression Is Contributing To His Wanting To End The Marriage Or Not, Deal With The Issues As He's Sees Them: Many women become fixated on the depression. They will blame it for every problem that is currently happening. And while they may well be absolutely right about this, none of it matters if the husband's perception is different and he's determined not to change it.

Many people will proceed on a path where they are thinking "well, I just have to deal with his mental status and then he will change his mind about the marriage." Or, "this is all going to die down once he starts to feel better and his sour mood begins to lift." The thing is, you can not count on this. And, there's a chance that he won't immediately get help or treatment for the depression. So, you have to deal with it as if it is reality because it IS his reality.

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You have to approach this from a place of caring about your husband's well being first (because, in part, this in turn will help your bottom line) and knowing that addressing your marriage won't be a waste of time and can help your life in general even if it turns out that the depression does lift and all of this marriage ending talk is only hot air.

And, you also have to avoid approaching it like you have to fix his undesirable problem or clean up his mess. You have to make sure that he knows that you love him, want him to be happy, and are hurting when he is hurting. Therefore, you're going to leave no stone left unturned until you help him. This alone will often help the situation somewhat. He's likely expecting you to argue or try to get him to see that he's wrong about the reality of your lives.

When you instead focus on him and what you can do to help him, this will often begin to turn the tide, at least a little. It will often buy you at least a little bit of time. If this doesn't happen, know that this is the right thing to do anyway and have faith that as you support him (and begin to work on your marriage on your own in the process) you will begin to get where you want to go also.

Can You Or Should You Deal With The Marriage And The Depression At The Same Time?: This is really a question for your counselor, but sometimes, trying to do both can compromise the other. And sometimes, your husband will be reluctant to see a professional. There are times when he's sort of caught up in what he's feeling rather than how to change it. In fact, men will often deny they have this problem because it makes them feel even worse about themselves.

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So, it's entirely possible that the things that you do to help both him and your marriage will, at least in the beginning, be done by you alone. Hopefully though, as your husband sees that your efforts ARE making things better (for you first and eventually for him) then he will eventually begin to gravitate towards addressing the real issues.

You can't make these demands though, especially at first. Your initial goals should be to communicate to him that you are there for him, want to lighten his load, and want to support him. You should also make sure that he knows that you are working on how you can best do this. If this means that you see a counselor solo or that you educate yourself and find something that works to help on your own, then the results should dictate that no one should have an issue with this. You can't make or force him go to counseling or to force him to read the books that you are reading. But you can show him these things are helping you to lighten both of your loads.

Who's to say if educating yourself and making positive changes in the way that you approach him, your attitude, and your home will change the way he sees things. That much is under his control, not yours. But you can control yourself. You can control your reactions. This will return a sense of control and empowerment. It will show him that you are willing to back up your words with actions. And, it will make you feel better as well. Yes, the marriage and the depression or two separate things. But, they obviously affect one another. You may know this, but you have to let him come to this conclusion on his own. And, your support is one step toward this, but make sure that you are supporting yourself and your own well being as well.

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I'm assuming if you're reading this you are in completely the same situation as I was in looking for a solution on how to save your marriage and have serious marriage issues which most likely are going to result into a divorce. If this is not the case, then perhaps you're afraid of this, and that it may happen to your marriage. If you fit into these descriptions then I completely feel for you because I have experienced exactly what you are going through and I really know how difficult this is. But let me stop you, this is not the time to cry and get emotional, this is the time to let you know what I exactly did to save my marriage.

I won't waste your time, to cut a long story short I tried everything under the sun to try figure out how to save my marriage; it seemed like I had lost the fight before it even begun. After endless trying to save I came into a heavy realisation that I wasn't able to calm myself and I then took the action of seeking outside advice. This was the BIG change and was the reason I saved my marriage. The impact was huge from what the outside source of advice had taught me, and now I would like to pass this onto you.

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Your first small step I took on how to save my marriage is to mentally find your calm and peace of mind. A desperate mind will only overwhelm and cause a desperate action which in turn has more harm in saving your already barely existent marriage. You want to participate in caring and considerate actions, not reckless knee jerk reactions which turn into a pathetic and desperate attempt at saving your marriage. It is completely essential you calm down first and control your emotions.

Once you have done this, you are one step closer to saving your marriage like I did; now your next task is to start acting in the correct manor. In psychology there is a method called elusion which is where it involves you to become elusive. Bare in mind you spouse is most likely to be fed up with your marriage, and it is so essential for you to be elusive in this situation. You spouse will start to miss you because you will become inaccessible and thus reduces his "fed up with you" feelings. Secondly the common human nature of having what you can't have will work to your advantage. Your spouse will find you much more attractive and challenging, this will work in your favour as it is the exact route I took on how to save my marriage.

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Did you know that our thoughts and beliefs become actions over time? The more we think about being with other people outside of our marriage, the more these thoughts will become our actions. Knowing this then, the first step to conquer infidelity is not to have the desires within our mind in the first place. Easier said than done? Not really.

We desire others sexually because we have been conditioned into believing its OK to do so - it's a mindset. We have been trained to desire others sexually at a young age, and we have been conditioned into believing it's OK to look at scantily dressed women and men. Our conscience may even tell us that it's wrong to actually commit the act of sex outside of marriage, but does our conscience tell us that the desire is wrong?

The bible definitely lets us know that desiring others sexually is wrong because it leads to sin, so then what is the problem? The problem is we aren't going to the root of the problem. The root of sexual lust is in how we think towards human beings. So then to stop the desire we only have to change the way we think about others. Are we really respecting others in the way that Christ has taught us to? If we truly respect another person then we should have the attitude to not think about desiring them lustfully and disrespecting them in any way.

"You were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge in the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love you neighbor as yourself". (Galatians 5:13-14)

In fact, Christ has taught married people that to even look at another person with lust in the heart is to have already committed adultery. The moment we begin to desire another person outside of our marriage we disrespect them as a fellow creation of God. Not only that, but we are disrespecting and devaluing the marriage union that God designed and established for His purpose.

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"But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:28)

Staying faithful begins with an attitude. For instance, if a man perceives a woman as a sexual object then he has instantly disrespected and devalued her as anything but a sexual target to use for his own personal enjoyment. But not all women portray themselves as such and so discernment is needed in this area of society. Not all men and women should be disrespected in this way. Women and men who exploit themselves as sexual objects are confused into thinking that the men and women who want them are respecting them, but it is actually the opposite - they are disrespecting one another in every way.

"Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress prays upon your very life". (Proverbs 6:25-26)

When we respect the marriage foundation as being reserved for a married man and woman to come together physically, and when we respect the body, mind, and soul of other human beings that is when we'll become faithful in our marriages. Only married couples belong to each other. Your body belongs to your spouse and your spouse's body belongs to you. But someone else's body, outside of your own marriage, does not belong to you, therefore to trespass against that person through sexual thoughts or the act of sexual relations is disrespecting that person.

"At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another". (Titus 3:3-4)

Each and every time that we even look at another person with sexual lust we are putting ourselves in danger. We look - we desire - we want - we get. How about changing this mindset and start regarding God's creation with respect - brother and sisterly love. Learn to appreciate others for their minds and not for what you can get from them sexually, or otherwise. In fact, men should be protecting women from the sexual advances and abuses of society not promoting it!

"Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires". (Galatians 5:25)

As God's creation we can choose rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit. We do not have to allow our lustful thoughts to take precedent over our lives. With God's help we can become new creatures in heart, mind, and soul. It is not a sin to be tempted but understand that desiring what is not yours is what sets off sexual immorality and adultery.

"Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace". (Romans 6:12-14)

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You may have been dealing with marital issues lately that are threatening your relationship prompting you to consider counseling. But you're still having second thoughts about it particularly as to how to choose the right counselor who can help you with your problems.

While there may be some people who can be comfortable with any marriage counselor recommended to them, you may want to choose one you're compatible with. It's similar to choosing clothes that will fit you well and give you comfort not only for the present but even in the coming months and perhaps even years.

Start by assessing your needs. Determine the reason why you're seeking a counselor and the issues that you need to seek solutions to. Are you going for one-time session or you're looking to attending several sessions if possible.

It would also be a good idea to write down your expectations from a counseling session. Consider the number of sessions do you intend to attend, the process you will go through and the outcome you desire.

You may also want to consider the qualifications of a marriage counselor. Do you prefer a married or single therapist? Does it matter if it's a male or female therapist you're going to be dealing with? Do you feel it's important that he or she has children of her own so the person can relate more to your situation?

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The level of your commitment to the counseling sessions is also of utmost importance. If you're a working wife or mother, you need to manage your schedule so that it does not conflict with your work and parental obligations. Determine the number of hours you can spend in one session and the travel aspect as well. If distance is an issue, you may have to choose a marriage therapist who is near your home or office. In this way, you can save on gas and your time.

The fees are another factor. Counseling sessions are not free so it would be best to determine your budget for a therapist. You may need to ask the counselor beforehand so you won't be surprised at the fees you will be charged later on. Find out the fee per session and the schedule of payment such as if you'll be required to pay after every session or on a weekly or monthly basis. Check if the rate will be based on your income and if your health insurance will be able to cover the cost.

For some people, credentials are vital as well. If you are interested in this aspect, normally the common degrees that qualify professionals to practice counseling are on social work, marriage, family and child counseling, clinical social work and mental health. A master's degree will signify a higher level of understanding in his field of work.

Finally, it won't hurt to call a few counselors you're interested in meeting. You can gauge from your phone conversation the possibility of establishing a good rapport with the therapist based on his initial assessment of your situation and his short advice.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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