My Husband Makes Me Feel Sexually Inadequate: I Feel Inadequate Sexually

Having a good sex life is usually a good indicator of the health of your marriage. If your sex life is not healthy, what can you do about it? Men are usually the ones that complain that they do not get enough sex, but not always. Sometimes it is the other way around. If your husband is not interested in sex, he may be low in testosterone levels and that is easily checked by going to the doctor and getting cream. If a woman is not interested in sex her estrogen could be low and she can also have her levels checked.

If you are not having good sex and your hormone levels are normal, then talk about what else may be the problem. Sometimes the way we are brought up can have an influence on the way we see sex. If we see it as being dirty or shameful, then we are not going to enjoy sex. It can be an indication that we have not matured emotionally into adulthood and we subconsciously see ourselves as children and children do not have sex. You still see yourself under the authority of your parents. This occurs when your family is enmeshed and your individuality has never been affirmed.

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Your relationship may not feel safe and if there is emotional, verbal or physical abuse then you will not enjoy sex with an abusive spouse. Don't be afraid to ask for help from other safe people who care about you and can give you tools to set boundaries. If you have children, it is not healthy for them to see you being abused.

When we do not feel emotionally safe with our spouse, sex is going to be the last thing we want. Healthy communication and learning how to validate one another and love and respect each other is essential in enjoying good sex. Good sex does not happen like it does in the movies. It just does not work that way. It takes time and effort to build a good sex life, just like anything else that is worth while.

Educate yourself about what a good sex life looks like and communicate with your spouse and ask what their needs are and what you can do to make it better. Men enjoy seeing their wives look nice and attractive. They are stimulated by site. They get turned on quickly. Women are slower and they need love-making to start in the morning with kindness and love. Husbands can express their love by knowing their wife's love language and give her that throughout the day. When she feels loved and appreciated she will have more time for sex.

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Having seeing thousands of couples in therapy and marriage retreats, I finally decided to create a crib sheet that outlines the most fundamental responsibilities that emotionally balance a long-term relationship. Many people think that a solid marriage involves closeness without anger or friction. But that's not what I observe. Good marriages, the ones that remain passionate over decades, are usually very dynamic. There's conflict but it's very constructive and disciplined. In fact, it serves a very important purpose. It helps to strengthen other important dimensions in the relationship such as respect and freedom from inhibiting fear.

Before I detail out the list, let me explain the four domains of due diligence that I've found so critical. The first domain I call "nurturance of attachment." This is the primary reason we get married. It's no longer for survival as was the case in all of history up to the last few centuries. Now we marry for spiritual fulfillment. That fulfillment takes place when we nurture the sense of meaning and importance of each other's lives.

The second domain I call "exercise of hedonic identity." Instead of a fear-based identity of always doing the "right" thing to be safe, a hedonic identity means that you express positive desire for what you want and love. If you don't do this in a marriage then you will eventually wind up with that suffocating, drowning feeling that so many people feel as they wail "I don't know who I am any more!" "I don't know what I want." If you constantly put your desires on the back burner while always deferring to your partner's needs then you will eventually lose attraction. This is when an affair becomes likely.

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The third domain is the defense of self from shame. Most people don't understand shame but it's a powerful factor in relationships. Every time you hide and say nothing when your partner treats you disrespectfully you will suck in a little shame into your unconscious. The shame accumulates in the form of unconscious inhibition. It's subtle but powerful. One study in Framingham, Massachusetts found that women who self-silenced in conflict with the spouses compared to women who spoke up were 4 times more likely to die in ten years. Refusing to hide disapproval and disagreement is very important in maintaining passion in a relationship - and perhaps your life as well. This doesn't mean you have to come out swinging. The magic is in refusing to hide. You don't have to win or get your partner to back down. You only have to be out in the open. That way you exercise an autonomous part of your personality and remain strong.

The fourth domain is to protect your relationship from shame. This is your responsibility to discipline yourself to avoid bruising your partner with shame manipulations. Use of overt or implied commands, use of sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling and other forms of dirty fighting would be obvious examples. Stonewalling and refusing to be accountable to objective truth would be less direct but they still damage a partner and the relationship itself over time. It's your responsibility to over-ride your immediate impulse to demonstrate your power and importance and focus instead on protecting your relationship's future.

So those are the four biggies. I've broken down each of the four domains into subcategories of behavior that support each domain. See how you're doing. You may want to share this list with your partner to talk about where your relationship might use a tune-up. Let me caution you however. Many of these due diligence responsibilities depend on how well you can regulate your own emotional impulses. If you repeatedly fail in a particular area you may not need marriage counseling. You might need some individual counseling or therapy instead.

Here's your crib sheet. You might want to keep it for future reference.

Responsibility Domain I - Nurturance of Attachment

Neglect of this responsibility leads to loss of affection and fosters resentment. This responsibility is enacted by:

- Initiation of ways to share FOCUSED attention on each other merely for the enjoyment of the experience

- Curious pursuit of mind

- Affectionate Touch

- Creative expressions of the others' importance

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Responsibility Domain II - Exercise of Hedonic Identity

Neglect of this responsibility leads to a sense of lost identity within the relationship (e.g. "I don't know who I am any more" "I don't know what I want." "I feel like I'm suffocating or drowning.") This responsibility is enacted by:

- Exploratory behavior for potential enjoyment

- Expressions of desire for both individual and shared experiences

- Negotiation of shared hedonic agenda

Responsibility Domain III - Defense of Self (From Shame)

Neglect of this responsibility leads to a) loss of attraction and sexual interest and b) development of a defensive orientation involving a loss of creativity and curiosity within the relationship. This responsibility is enacted by:

- Overt refusals instead of lying

- Refusal to remain in an exchange where boundaries are being violated

- Confrontation of broken agreements

- Tactful confrontation of boundary intrusions (thoughtless disrespectful behaviors)

- Refusal to pay attention to the content of global or historical attacks

Responsibility Domain IV - Protection of Relationship (From Shame)

Neglect of this responsibility leads to resentment and distrust. This responsibility is enacted by:

- Disengagement from conflict when either party is emotionally compromised

- Disciplined restraint from intentional attack

- Guarantee of time and place for processing concerns

- Guarantee of accountability to objective criteria and openness to information

- Guarantee of accountability to principles of equity and keeping agreements

- Tactful pursuit of attachment in the future even when rejecting it in the present

That's it! You will notice that a lot of these make sense. The problem is that many people don't have the emotional discipline to prioritize their relationship over their impulses. This list may at least help you to see where you need to develop better self-discipline to improve your marriage..

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Prior to my marriage I thought that being married was my husband's vision and mine working together side by side, not until I heard a preacher talk about this vision in a marriage conference. The preacher, a highly respected prophet said that before God created Eve, He gave the vision to Adam first. Then He created Eve. This shows that God created the wife to support her husband in the vision that God has given him. Honestly, this was a total shock to me. It took me a while to receive that wholeheartedly. I struggled with it because I already had a vision, which I've had for a long time, and which I was pursuing when I was single.

After meditating on that teaching from the prophet, and based from my personal experience, let me share with you what "oneness in vision" is in a marriage.

It is a must for any man of God to have a vision from the Lord, otherwise, he will not be able to lead his wife and his family. This vision has to be communicated to his wife, even before she becomes his wife. It is during the dating-engagement phase that this should be discussed. In fact, this is one major consideration when someone is choosing a mate. Their individual visions have to align with each other.

My husband's vision has always been geared towards the gang members, drug addicts, alcoholics; mine has always been geared towards hurting women, regardless of their backgrounds. Putting these visions together was not the difficult part. Rather, what were challenging were the methods and approaches that we had in mind, which brings me to one major component in uniting your visions: communication.

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Although a wife has to support her husband in his vision, she still has to align hers' with his' in fulfilling this role as the support system. This means that the wife does not have to throw away her vision. In fact, the opposite holds true. The personal vision that was given by God to the wife prior to her marriage is going to be fulfilled in this marriage. It is for this reason why the husband and wife have to talk about their visions based on what God showed them and how they see these visions coming to pass. It is the role of both the husband and the wife to acknowledge each other's gifts in the fulfillment of this vision. It is the role of the husband to lead his wife, while it is the role of the wife to adapt herself to her husband and his vision at all times.

The wife's personal vision can never take precedence over her husband's vision. Rather, it should be dovetailed to his vision. It is not one vision side by side another vision, as was my previous understanding, but one vision adapted to the primary vision.

If you don't have a common vision yet in your marriage, sit down with your spouse and talk about it. If the husband does not have a vision, you better start seeking God about that. Don't forget that you will never discover your vision outside of God who was the One who created His vision for you. This is the first step... a connection with God through acceptance of His Son Jesus Christ and an intimate relationship with Him. From here, and as you seek God more, He will reveal to you your vision.

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What men want in a woman is someone who knows when and how to call on us. There is actually a deep, psychological principle at work when women call on men. Whether us guys like it or not, when you call on us, you are triggering our provider/protective instinct. We would bear the label of being "whipped" simply to see to it that you were safe and sound. However, if you do this too much, we simply will stop responding. As much as we want to provide for you, we're not stupid. To a certain point, providing simply becomes spoiling and we love you less and less. Where is this point?

1. It's all relative

I couldn't give you a particular "point" or a certain number of times that you could call on your man before he stops responding to you. Every man is different and there is also another important factor that comes into it: how much he calls on you.

Some men are mommy's boys. They prefer to call on the woman. If you call on him, he'll probably have a lower tolerance for that sort of thing. A good, ballpark figure is to simply call on him as much as he calls on you.

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2. The less frequent, the better

If you're someone who's known to call on people a lot, try not calling on someone for an extended period of time. The person you call on will notice, but if they see that nothing is wrong, they won't do anything about it.

In the event that you do call on them, the essence of asking for someone's help is a lot more valuable, which is knowing that you're considered valuable in that person's eyes if they choose to call on you. Do it too frequently and this value will diminish.

3. How To Call On Us

This is something else that doesn't seem to be that important but believe me, it matters a lot to us guys. The only reason we are responding to you is if you genuinely need the help.

If you're simply calling on us to show your dominance, we will overthrow you and simply ignore you. Never abuse your power. Show that you're grateful and we will love you for asking us, and only us, to do whatever it is you want us to do.

What men want is a woman who knows how to call on us. Calling and asking for someone's help is always an equal exchange of value. The man does it because he loves and respects his wife, the wife should do it, respecting her man.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Author's Bio: 

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