My Husband Said He Cheated Because He Wanted Me To Desire And Appreciate Him More: Psychological Facts About Cheating And Infidelity

I'm never really shocked at the excuses that cheating men give their wives once they have been caught. Granted, not all men fall into the "excuse category." Some men will take responsibility for their choice and do their very best to be honest about whatever motivations are behind the infidelity. Unfortunately though, this description does not apply to all cheating husbands. There are also those who will do their very best to at least partially shift the blame onto their innocent wife.

One example of this is the husband who says he cheated to get his wife more interested in him. He'll tell her that he hoped that once she saw that another woman was attracted to him, then she would find him more attractive as a result. The theory is that once the wife has some competition, suddenly she will be willing to fight for him when she never had an interest in doing so before.

A wife might explain it this way: "I was astounded and devastated when I caught my husband cheating on me. And I honestly do not believe for a second that he wanted for me to find out like he claims. Frankly, he had done a pretty good job of covering his tracks and he clearly made a concentrated effort to do so. He opened a fake email account. He got a throw-away phone. It was only by a fluke that I caught him. But now he wants to pretend as if this was all part of his master plan. He says that he hoped that once I saw that other women could find him attractive and desirable, that I would pay attention to him and want him more. He says that he has always felt as though he wanted and valued me more than I wanted and valued him. He said he always felt as if he was not good enough for me. I admit that I am not someone who lavishes on a lot of affection. But I am like this with everyone - not just my husband. And I have always been this way. My husband has not complained about this for the whole time we have been married, which is why I really do not buy it. What do you think of this excuse?"

I tend to agree with you, especially since it appears that he covered his tracks so that you would not catch him. If his plan all along was to yearn for you to want him more, then it would seem that he would have been leaving clues, not hiding them.

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Finding The Sliver Of Truth: To be fair, there may be a bit of validity to what he is saying. It may be accurate that he was reacting to not feeling desirable. And this may not have had anything to do with you. People often project their worries and inadequacies on those who are closest to them. It could be that YOU aren't making him feel inadequate; but that he simply feels that way and is looking for an excuse or an easier person to blame than himself.

There Are No True Excuses: Regardless, none of this is a valid excuse. If both of you agree that the level of affection and validation isn't there and you both want to save the marriage, then this is something that you might want to address in the recovery process, but it doesn't excuse his cheating.

If you'd like to express this to him, you might try: "I hear what you are saying, but I don't accept it as a valid excuse. Even if you legitimately felt that way, there's never an excuse to cheat. And you certainly could have come to me and discussed it instead of cheating and putting everything at risk. If, down the road, we decide that we want to save our marriage, we can address how you feel or felt. But I don't think that we will be able to do that until you take responsibility for our choices and actions. I won't accept the blame for what you did. Your taking responsibility is the first step and I need for that to happen before I make any decisions about our marriage. I regret that you felt the way that you did, but it doesn't change anything for me. Please reconsider your approach to this because it doesn't get us anywhere. And it doesn't make me want you anymore. I'd find you more desirable if you'd stand up, take responsibility, and communicate with me directly."

Hopefully, this will make him see that you are not willing to accept his convenient excuse and you are not going to take the blame. Most men come to realize this eventually, but you can sometimes shorten the process and save everyone some trouble by being direct and open about it.

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Married couples need to spend quality time together even for just a few minutes. This is essential in keeping the flame of love alive in your relationship. This is also vital in establishing closer ties than when you were still dating or when you started your married life.

In fact, spending an intimate moment need not involve much kissing and even sex. What matters is you and your significant other make a connection at that particular time by just being close to each other or talking to each other.

Did you know that listening to your spouse's heartbeat can be relaxing? Putting one's head on the other's chest or doing this act simultaneously provides a calming and longing experience. Through this act, you become one and it's something that can really strengthen a marital bond. So just lying down doing this and holding each other's arms is simply reassuring.

Have a meaningful conversation. Talking about how you two first met and what attracted you to one another is a good way of sharing each other's feelings. It's a way of connecting especially when you have been so busy with your respective work and responsibilities. You need to do this as often as you can to maintain the closeness.

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Also, don't forget to give compliments to your partner. Tell him or her what acts your spouse did that you enjoyed and appreciated. This is a confidence booster and can inspire your significant other to continue those gestures you appreciate. Remember that kind words are very uplifting to any person so if there's something that you liked about what your partner did not only for you but for your kids, go ahead and tell him or her. Again, be consistent on this aspect to strengthen your relationship as the days go by.

Learn your partner's language of love as well. Ask yourself if you see it, hear it and feel it. You should be able to observe the gestures your spouse do to show his or her love for you and your family. And as you learn about this aspect, you need to appreciate that and if possible, give that in return. Love begets love, right? Nurture it as you go through life's journey and you will surely be truly satisfied with your marriage.

Some married couples also make it a point to renew their vows as they reach their silver (25th) or golden (50th) wedding anniversary. But you need not wait for this long because you can choose to renew your wedding vows say, every five or 10 years. You can do it through a formal ceremony just like you're getting married again or through a simple ceremony in the presence of close family and friends.

If you do not wish to have a ceremony, however, you can always just rewrite your vows. It's a fun and interesting way to keep the connection and make a commitment to truly love and support each other no matter what. Be creative in writing your vows and then keep that paper as a souvenir.

There are many other ways to develop a closer bond with your partner. Just use your imagination and don't forget to be consistent moving forward.

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Psychotherapy started with the work of Dr. Sigmund Freud who began treating medical conditions by looking at how thoughts and emotions affected physical health. To this day psychotherapy is designed to treat mental illness. What if you are not psychotic, schizophrenic, or suicidal? The majority of clients seen for marriage counseling are no psychotic or mentally ill.

This awareness that working with families and couples is not the same as working with the mentally disturbed has started new terms like marriage counselor or marital therapist. But these ideas are still too closely tied to "treatment". Other new ideas have also sprung up such as life coach and marriage education which have moved us even further from the medical model.

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With the rise of the computer age, let me suggest a new more meaningful term; relationship coach. We have all experienced at times the need for phone technical support. The support we receive is problem focused and brief, while hopefully picking up some new skills along the way. It is typically one call and the issue is handled.

The goal of relationship coaching is to provide our clients with the kind of technical support they need to address the relationship issues and conflict in their lives with the same brief format. The best part is that support can now be provided over the phone. A person can call individually or with a partner.

No blame, no analysis, no psychobabble, just the structure and skills you need to say everything that needs to be said and to hear everything that needs to be heard. Relationship coaching offers an alternative to marriage counseling for people who are not mentally ill; they just need a little support communicating.

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There's a popular video available on YouTube that pits pro same-sex marriage actors against their opposition, a troupe of religious affiliated Bibliophiles who rant and rave about the evils, degradation and slippery slope-ism, if that's a phrase, of the approaching tsunami of same sex marriage. It's a reasonably lighthearted, somewhat slick caricature of the current controversy, with real, semi-famous Hollywood types, and a musical presentation that makes it all watchable and entertaining regardless of which side of the issue you happen to be on.

As the musical progresses, opponents shout their righteous claims against perversion, decadence, freedom of religion and the 'gay agenda'; gays and lesbians trill about the need for recognition, equality, freedom from religious dictates and marriage rights for all. In the heat of the dustup, who walks into their midst but Jesus Christ Himself? Jesus appears to side with no one. Instead, in His inscrutable fashion, He takes the religious cohort to task about certain Biblical references that seem to contradict common sense and practice, such as eating shellfish, selling girls into slavery, being stoned for working on the Sabbath and the like.

Then Jesus mystically departs, and there appears to be a deadlock. The scene changes, however, when someone introduces the economic factor of the controversy into the equation. Chirping about the lost opportunities for divorce lawyers, caterers, wedding planners and the like, Neil Patrick Harris slowly but surely makes an impact on the otherwise adamant religious group. Suddenly they 'see the light', and, as a group, in a sort of come to Jesus moment, they understand the error of their ways. "There's money to be made", they sing, happily conceding the rights of LGBT people to do their part in repairing the damaged economy by getting married!

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It always seems to come down to money, of course. The biggest obstacle to slavery wasn't a black/white differential, or a reluctance to flood the workforce, or any altruistic impulse toward our fellow human beings. It was reluctance based on the economic impact of losing free labor, and what that would do to the price of cotton and other field crops, and the subsequent impact on the economy of the South. It was money.

Allowing women to vote was an economic issue, insofar as they would in all probability vote with their purses, just as men had done with their wallets forever, thus introducing a frightening unknown into the electoral process. When this country announced its independence from Britain, voting rights were based on property ownership. This typically meant that those voting were white males over the age of 21 of the Protestant religion. Women citizens didn't gain voting rights nationwide for 144 years, until 1920.

So why is same sex marriage in the same category, and why would it benefit the economy? Mr. Harris' comment aside, that there's "money to be made", the reason is simple. The economy reacts favorably to any expansion of human rights because, in a capitalistic system, the more people who have money, the more they spread it around, and the more money gets spread around the faster the economy grows. People lacking their rights have, in general, less access to the marketplace, and therefore less positive impact on the economy. Granted, the LGBT community is a relatively small part of the population. The Williams Institute at the UCLA School of Law, a sexual orientation law and public policy think tank, estimates that there are 8.8 million gay, lesbian, and bisexual persons in the U.S based on the 2005/2006 American Community Survey, an extension of the U.S. Census. This is adult population, of course, and the number is likely higher since there is still reluctance to identify as LGBT in this country, despite social advances in recent years. Still, nearly nine million people is a substantial part of the spending populace.

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And in reference to the same-sex marriage video and its core message, there is indeed money to be made. Nine million people means potentially 4.5 million marriages in a country which reports a bit more than two million marriages per year. If one percent of gays and lesbians married every year, a not unrealistic assumption, that's 45,000 marriages per year, nearly 3,800 per month. Now it's not realistic to assume that this activity will even register as a blip on the GDP, but these days the economy needs all the help it can get. Most of the stimulus recently has been going from government down; a little stimulus going the other way could only help.

Moving on from stimulus to suppression, let's discuss societies need for all of us to be more responsible for our own financial well being.

I mentioned that affluent citizens impact the economy in positive ways. Conversely, those who lack basic rights generally lack access to the marketplace in any substantial way. In this sense, it's entirely possible, probable even, that those individuals may have a negative impact. It makes sense; any member of a society who is forced to live at the fringe, such as those denied marriage rights and its affiliated benefits and protections, will eventually fall into a social safety net of some kind, unless they happen to be independently wealthy.

The gay community is perhaps one of the best examples of this phenomenon. And they may be the best advocates for their present cause, the pursuit of civil marriage equality. This was proven during the AIDS crisis, when LGBT people came together, circling the wagons to treat their own in a recognized communal outpouring of care and concern. There are no end of stories of gays banding together to advocate for, treat, research, lobby and demonstrate for their colleagues, most of whom would have been a substantial burden on the already fragile health care environment otherwise. This rationale by itself is reason enough to pursue civil marriage equality vigorously, the recognition that we all need someone to care for us at some point. If that isn't an economic issue nothing is.

It's time to bring civil marriage equality to fruition. There are many reasons, but economic ones always come to the fore eventually, and this time is no exception.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

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