My Wife Keeps Accusing Me Of Cheating: Being Accused Of Cheating When Your Not

I'm still always a little amazed at the number of people who are participating in very inappropriate behavior with someone who is not their spouse and who will still insist that they aren't doing anything wrong, and are definitely not cheating. Almost always, their spouse disagrees and most definitely feels betrayed. People tend to be very skilled at justifying their behavior, until their spouse refuses to accept this. And then the debate begins.

Someone might say: "my spouse is now calling me a cheater and saying that she might want a divorce because of my 'affair.' I am being completely honest when I say that I never ever believed that I was having an affair. Yes, I was in touch with an ex-girlfriend from many years ago. And yes, I kept this from my spouse. But that is because I knew that my spouse was going to jump to the wrong conclusions. I kept in touch with her because she was going through a rough time with one of her kids and I have experience with this and was offering her some advice. I also offered her money in order to get the help that she needed. I knew that my wife would not understand this. Most of our talks were written where I was trying to give her written advice and support. I admit that the talks took up a good bit of time and took up a lot of my thoughts. I admit that there was some mild flirting going on. I met the woman face to face to give her money and we did hold hands and kiss goodbye, but that was it. She took a photo of us and posted it on social media. I had no idea about this, but the photo got back to my wife and now she is calling me a cheater. She keeps referring back to the 'affair,' but I maintain that I never even had one. She's talking about counseling or divorce. This is ridiculous. I have never slept with anyone else during our marriage. This is not an affair."

I am certainly not an expert, but I have been through infidelity, conducted a whole lot of research, and hear from many people whose marriages are struggling due to marital betrayal. This is only my opinion, but I would strongly encourage you to not focus on semantics. Sure, you can sit there and argue endlessly with your spouse as to why what you did was not technically cheating. But what would be the point of that? None of that matters if your spouse feels injured or betrayed. None of that matters if your marriage is going to struggle.

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Again, this is only my opinion, but if you are doing something that you could not do right in front of your spouse and you are actively hiding the same, then you know in your heart that your actions were wrong or you would not be actively hiding this. Your wife knows this, which is why she is so upset, hurt, and angry.

Imagine if one of your friends came to you with a photo of your wife and another man. And it was a photo or an encounter and a relationship that she actively hid from you. How would you feel? Do you think you'd feel betrayed? I suspect that you would because that is the experience of most people. Whether you call it an affair or not, I think most would agree that it's a betrayal that could potentially harm or even end your marriage. So no matter what you call it, I'd suspect that it needs your immediate attention. And it would be a good idea to honestly ask yourself why you would be able to keep something like this from your spouse - or why would feel the need to. Because often, when people get their needs met by someone outside of their marriage, this typically says something about them, about their marriage, or about both.

Before you act, it makes sense to ask yourself where you want to go from here. The fact that you're upset about your wife's characterization of the 'affair' could indicate that you're still emotionally invested. If your marriage is still important to you, I'd suggest that you worry more about helping your wife to process this and to heal rather than worrying about who is calling it an affair.

Yes, hearing yourself being called a cheater is probably hurtful and it makes you feel defensive. But this is just a word your wife is giving her process of feeling betrayed. Worry less about the words and more about the message behind them. And the message that she is giving you is that she's hurt and she's angry and she feels that you're dismissing her very valid concerns.

You can agree on semantics later, but most people agree that carrying on a secret relationship behind your spouse's back is wrong. Having that picture up for all to see had to be very hurtful to your wife. It's understandable that she is reacting to that. Your getting defensive does nothing to address this, doesn't help, and it just adds additional problems onto something that is already problematic.

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Agreements are reached not only between people involved in financial transactions. In fact, it can even be made by a husband and wife. This can be done to ensure problems are ironed out and the marriage is kept strong and intact moving forward.

Too often, conflicts occur among married couples due to lack of communication or miscommunication. It's either they were not able to convey their message clearly or there was total lack of communication on certain topics that revolve around their roles, work and other responsibilities. Or it could also be about some problems that affect their relationship.

One effective way of preventing conflicts and disconnection is to reaching a relationship agreement. Yes, there is such a thing as this. This should not be done only when problems occur but even on a regular basis. If necessary, these agreements can be modified to suit your particular situation.

There are ways that you can follow to ensure your agreement is observed at all times. One is to be clear first about your priorities in your married life. You need to know these even before you sit down and discuss this with your partner. If possible, you can list your priorities in a piece of paper so you won't forget them. What you need to be clear about are your main issues, the things you are willing to do and those that you are not in favor of.

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Also, be specific when you discuss things with your partner. You may have your priorities but you also need to spell them out to convey your message as clearly as possible to your mate. Details are important. As an example, you can let your spouse know that you don't like the words or language he or she uses when asking you questions. Let each other know how you feel and how you'd like to feel in when you're in the company of one another.

Encourage honesty in the relationship. You can do this by being an example yourself. When making an agreement with your spouse, strive to be honest about it. By this, it means not only half agreeing to the conditions but really adhering to them moving onwards. Sometimes, couples may have reached an agreement although it did not actually sink in their minds because what they wanted to do at that time was to end the conversation. This won't do you good so make sure then to really understand what you're trying to do and adhere to your agreement every step of the way. Be honest and open and you can be sure to influence your spouse to do the same.

A third step is to make a specific request. This doesn't necessarily mean that all you want should be followed. It's better than not being specific or clear at all. Your goal should be to come up with a good agreement that will benefit the two of you. Once you've relayed your request, find out the response of your partner and then get a confirmation. Remember to be flexible as well.

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Help with the emotions around the holidays typically focuses on the "Holiday Blues", but there is very little press regarding the tension and conflicts that erupt during this time of year. Relationships are like the proverbial canary in the mine shafts, in that they are the first to be affected by stress and tension. When we are upset we typically don't snap at our friends or coworkers, it all comes out towards our spouse or intimate partner. Although this is intended to be a time of joy and celebration the holidays bring stress, which in turn gets dumped in our relationships.

The explanation for why the holidays create stress is very simple. Stress is another way of saying demand. When you place high demands on an engine or heavy loads on a piece of architecture you can also say you are placing stress on the engine or the building, the word is interchangeable. The same is true for our emotions, when there are demands on us emotionally we feel it as stress. What's interesting from an emotional point of view is that the demands can be positive or negative, it does not matter. Getting married can produce as much stress as getting fired.

Armed with this new understanding it should becomes obvious why Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas can be filled with stress, because of the added demands created by these celebrations. Gifts, meals, visiting relatives, and extra cleaning all produce added pressure.

Tension, frustration, irritation, and a general lack of patience are all the common reactions to stress. Without an emotional cushion our tolerance level drops and before we know it we are snapping at each other over trivial issues. Our partner is unfortunately just as stressed as we are and their reaction is to snap back, which sets off conflict.

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So what should be done? What can be done? Skipping the holidays may come to mind, but it is not really a valid option. The next best answer is to practice staying out of each other's emotional upset. This technique is called monologing.

There are 7 essential communication skills, from loving to problem solving, but the one most relevant to the season is learning how to stay out of each other's stress. The key idea here is that there can only be one crazy person in the relationship at a time. By only having one person venting their stress at a time it prevents a relationship from feeding off negativity and becoming explosive. When your partner is stressed and you remain calm, it gives them a chance to dissipate their energy and feel better. Likewise, when you are venting and your intimate can remain a neutral sounding board it will give you a safe place to discharge.

One simple technique for creating a constructive monologue is find an object like a tissue box or a pillow and allow that to signify who is taking and who is listening. Hold on to the pillow as long as you need in order to say everything that needs to be shared. The other person can and should make comments, but all the remarks should be focused on supporting what the person with the pillow is saying. If the person with the pillow is repeating themselves, it is because he/she does not feel heard, and the listener (the one without the pillow) will need to redouble their efforts to let the speaker know he/she is being heard and understood.

This maybe one of those situations where it is easier said than done. Learning to monologue can take some practice and know how. A relationship coach or a marriage counselor can really assist by stopping in reactivity or defensiveness and keep the monologue focused and productive. Before your next blow out get online and find a professional who understand the art of monologing and keep your holidays and your relationship joyful.

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The account number for your trust fund, do you know it? What about the number for your insurance policy, know that? Military retirement number? Location of those stock certificates for Amalgamated Emory Spark Processing Inc? Do you have that information at your fingertips, or at least know where to find it? I know, I don't either. My file cabinet looks like my teenager's bedroom floor used to, and I used to yell at her about it. If I die tomorrow, I pity my poor spouse. She'll need a lawyer at some point, of course, but first she'll need a private detective to track down all my worldly documentation.

Out of common courtesy we all need to be a bit more organized in the eventuality that Monday morning we'll traipse off to work and get hit by a bus. It happens, and often spouses are left with a pile of papers to rival a landfill, consisting of legal estops, estate judgements, probate arrangements, everything the law needs to make sure our property is distributed, and that the State part of 'estate' gets what's coming their way. The stakes are pretty high; many thousands of dollars can be left on the table after we pass on, tire marks of the bus still fresh, a myriad of legal judgements can occur, property can be lost or mis-allocated, and all manner of out of control outcomes can happen. Is this the legacy you want to leave? When my father died three years ago, his estate was meager, and thank goodness for that, because if the poor man thought his affairs were in order, he was wrong. It took an attorney, and several months to sort it all out. My step-mom and the rest of us were caught dealing with all of it, and dad's death was not unexpected.

One thing that can help a surviving spouse is a simple documentation tool, an itemized list of what's where, what it is, who has access to it, and what to do. Call it a marital aid that keeps on giving. In fact, it may be the best thing you can do for your mate. Any death is surrounded by overwhelming numbers of decisions, reactions, unexpected crises, and anxiety-producing uncertainties. A sudden, unexpected death even more so. We owe it to our mates to account for things. Here's a rough outline of what may be required, a guide of sorts that can at least get you started. Any spouse will appreciate the thoughtfulness of the gesture, while, hopefully, taking the cue and doing their own.

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A few caveats to this exercise. None of this is legal advice, so if you feel you need professional counsel, by all means seek it. The list is not definitive, either. Everyone has different needs, experiences and levels of wealth and property. This is a rough outline, and may contain a few things you hadn't thought of. It should be filled in with pencil, of course. As they say, change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Placement in a deposit box at your bank is best. That way you and your mate know exactly where the document containing all those numbers is, and that it's safe from prying eyes, intruders, fire, and your recently laid off brother in law.

There's a temptation to commit everything to the computer these days. I'd resist it n this case. Passwords are forgotten; files are erased; computers crash; and identity theft is a reality, even in a home computer. Besides, a hold in your hand document just feels better when you need something solid, and there are plenty of trees left.
Here's what the guide should contain, at a minimum:

Page 1) The name of the document, so it can be identified easily and quickly. Your spouse may be a bit frazzled; don't make them root around. Scribble your name, Social Security Acct. Number, Date of Birth, and give the booklet a name--Bob's pretty good document file for when Bob gets hit by a bus, for example.

Page 2) Spousal info. Name, DOB, SSAN, Marriage date, marriage location, marriage license location, divorce records and location, children and/or dependents' names, and if any of them are incapable of self-care. Why would your spouse need to know this? He or she already should, right? What if you both go at the same time? Hey, if you're like my wife and me you always hold hands crossing the street, and buses are pretty big...

Page 3) List your military and/or legal records here, including the following: VA claim # if applicable; Survivor Benefit Plan (SBP) #; VA Disability # if applicable; the age at which you started Social Security; your organ donor status, including which organs; the existence of a living will--in case the bus was half full, and didn't get the job done; the location of this living will, or advance directive.

Page 4) Listing of any insurance policies including the name of the company, policy numbers, policy types, face amount(s), names of beneficiaries, and other sources of death benefits such as military payoffs etc. The Veterans Administration can be very helpful supplying information, documents and assistance when a veteran dies, including methods of acquiring funeral arrangements, access to a National Cemetery if desired, and even an honor guard.

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Page 5) List your investments. Name names, scribble how much you paid for them--stocks, binds, coins, annuities, deeds etc, and how much they're worth currently. The difference can (will) have tax implications. Consult your attorney for details, and it might not be a bad idea to have them look over the final document to see if you forgot anything, such as how much you wish to bequeath your faithful attorney. List the lawyer's name & contact info there, too. It can't hurt. Also, you may want to create a net worth statement at that date. That way, if there's a large discrepancy when you die, your spouse may be aware of it and be able to investigate.

Page 6) Bank account information. List the names of banks, account numbers, type of account, and balance at that date. This may seem morbid, but if your death is imminent, you may wish to retrieve this document from the deposit box. If your estate is subject to probate, the box may be sealed, in which case this exercise is futile. Just a thought.

Page 7) List your creditors. List who they are, any account numbers, balance due to them at that date, and what the outstanding credit is for. If you have a party boat they don't know about, this could get sticky. On this page you may want to list burial intentions as well, particularly if you have that party boat. List your wishes for burial, and where you want to be interred, cremation wishes, and the disposition of your ashes, whom to notify when you die--kids, relatives, religious persons, attorneys, friends and other family. You may wish to list anyone you'd rather not be notified, as well.

Page 8) Write down where all the documents are. Where's your will? Your DD 214, record of military service? Where's your retired pay statement from the military, and/or from your career, your marriage license, divorce decree with property settlement statement, military 20 year letter, birth certificate and/or adoption papers, any powers of attorney, any documents appointing a guardian and who that person is, any trust agreement documents? If your deposit box isn't big enough to hold all this paperwork, and a lot aren't unless you pay for a bigger one, one alternative is your freezer. Writers often put a copy of their great American novels in the freezer for safekeeping; no one would ever look there, and it's safe from fire.

Page 9) Finally, make a list of what's in the deposit box, and who has keys to it. Then consider what to do with these items: Tax returns, burial plot info, medical/dental records, miscellaneous instructions, other assets, access numbers, time-sensitive items, passwords, expiration dates, things to cancel, things not to cancel, a list of credit cards and approximate balances, your passport, and any naturalization paperwork.

This thumbnail guide can help you get organized, but, more importantly, it can give your spouse some peace of mind when they pull that bus off of you, and various agencies have their hands out. It may give you some peace of mind as well, and these days we all need to know better where we stand.

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