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Articles from Sheryl Paul | Selfgrowth.com
- Flags Versus Red Flags - by Submitted on Oct 17, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOne of the most common questions I’m asked during a coaching session is, “What are red flags? You say that if I’m suffering from relationship anxiety and I’m in a healthy and secure relationship without red flags then the anxiety is a manifestation of pain that needs attention as opposed to ...
Views: 32 - Flags Versus Red Flags - by Submitted on Oct 17, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOne of the most common questions I’m asked during a coaching session is, “What are red flags? You say that if I’m suffering from relationship anxiety and I’m in a healthy and secure relationship without red flags then the anxiety is a manifestation of pain that needs attention as opposed to ...
Views: 23 - The Gift of Projection - by Submitted on Oct 17, 2018 from Sheryl PaulProjection is one of the most important concepts to understand when you’re stuck in relationship anxiety or any manifestation of anxiety. It’s a psychological term that essentially means we’re stuck in a story about someone or something else with the belief that it’s true, and that if the person ...
Views: 30 - What You Choose Determines What Comes Next - by Submitted on Oct 17, 2018 from Sheryl PaulTransitions, as breaking and renewal points, offer choice-points that determine how we unfold into the next stage of our lives. Many people find me during their wedding transition when when they’re broken open not only by relationship anxiety but also by the earthquake of feelings that erupt ...
Views: 30 - Loneliness and Love - by Submitted on Oct 17, 2018 from Sheryl PaulThere’s a fundamental loneliness that is part of the fabric of being human. It arrives in the corners of night, when shadows form from curtain folds and the backs of chairs. It seeps in just before twilight, when afternoon exhales its last breath and evening hasn’t yet inhaled. It lives on the ...
Views: 20 - At the Heart of Anxiety - by Submitted on Oct 17, 2018 from Sheryl Paul“The final stage of healing is using what happens to you to help other people. That is healing in itself.” – Gloria Steinem “Why me?” people often ask when they’re dragged into the underworld of anxiety in any form. “Why do they have it so easy? Why does it look like everyone else glides ...
Views: 28 - The Art of Making Decisions - by Submitted on Oct 04, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOur culture fails to teach us the essential skills we need to navigate through life successfully in so many ways. As I discuss often on this site, it fails to teach us about healthy, real love. It fails to teach us about how to feel our feelings and work with our thoughts. It fails to guide us ...
Views: 62 - Caring What Other People Think - by Submitted on Oct 04, 2018 from Sheryl PaulHow would your life be different if you didn’t care what other people thought? How might your relationship, your job, and your day-to-day functioning be different if you weren’t weighed down by others’ opinions? How might you peel and crack out of the shells of your insecurity and arrive more ...
Views: 78 - The Scariest Thing We Do - by Submitted on Oct 04, 2018 from Sheryl PaulEvery day that I work with clients struggling with relationship anxiety I find myself saying some version of, “Of course you’re scared. Loving is the scariest thing we do.” As I’ve written about several times on this blog, fear doesn’t always present as fear but instead shows up as irritation, ...
Views: 99 - The Cracks are How the Light Comes In - by Submitted on Oct 04, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWhen discussing the concept that a root cause of relationship anxiety is the fear of being hurt by love, course members and coaching clients will often say, “I had a good childhood with loving parents. Why would I be so scared of love?” I’ve written other posts about how essential it is to peel ...
Views: 56 - Shrink Fear Grow Love - by Submitted on Oct 04, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWhen the fear-fog clears, when the projection that has kept him separate from you and sealed a barnacle over your heart finally shatters, you see your partner as if for the first time. Not only do you see her clearly, in all of her sweet and simple splendor, but the delusions of separateness ...
Views: 62 - I Love You Go Away - by Submitted on Oct 04, 2018 from Sheryl PaulAmong the many misconceptions that people have about love – that it’s only a feeling, that the feeling of being “in love” should exist from day one, that attraction is static and based on external attributes – the faulty belief that often gets swept under the rug more than any other is that ...
Views: 601 - “I Married the Wrong Person” - by Submitted on Oct 04, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWhenever a theme arises in my weekly work with clients I know it’s important to write about it here. Last week the theme was: “I married the wrong person” or “It would have been easier with someone else.” One of the most important tasks for those on the road to awakening is to notice all of ...
Views: 75 - Social Anxiety and the Cocktail Party - by Submitted on Oct 04, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWhile flipping through one of my favorite bedside stand-bys, Reflections on the Art of Living: A Joseph Campbell Companion, I came across the following passage and chuckled out loud: “My experience is that I can feel that I’m in the Grail Castle when I’m living with people I love, doing what ...
Views: 52 - Does Relationship Anxiety Ever End - by Submitted on Oct 04, 2018 from Sheryl PaulAmong the many questions that dart through the mind plagued by relationship anxiety, the one that can cause either hope or despair is, “Will this anxiety ever end? The short answer is yes: the acute anxiety that you’re experiencing – the one that wakes you in the night and causes you to lose ...
Views: 126 - Falling in Love with Other People - by Submitted on Oct 04, 2018 from Sheryl PaulLet’s blow the cover off of another taboo topic in our culture, one that causes my clients to barely be able to whisper their experience loud enough to share it with me: “falling in love” with people other than your partner, including bosses, celebrities, religious figures, and even your ...
Views: 85 - Invisible Lines of Hope - by Submitted on Oct 04, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOut beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about. Rumi When we’re being asked to unpack a new layer of wound that will lead to healing, it can feel daunting, overwhelming, and ...
Views: 52 - Unpacking Intrusive Thoughts - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOver the years, I’ve worked with many clients who have suffered from the intrusive thought, “What if my partner is gay?” (or “What if my partner is straight?” for those in a same-sex relationship), and while I’ve written several posts on the “What if I’m gay?” spike I haven’t written about what ...
Views: 71 - Pregnancy Anxiety - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2018 from Sheryl PaulAs I’ve written about before on this blog, one of the privileges of being the position of guiding people through the darkest aspects of their psyche and soul is that they share thoughts and feelings with me that they wouldn’t share with anyone else. Part of the reason why they share openly about ...
Views: 75 - Something is Wrong - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2018 from Sheryl PaulFear-mind has a special genius for trying to prove that it’s right. It’s like we all have this aspect of our personality – some call it ego, other call it lower self – that has secretly attended law school and graduated at the top of its class. This character, terrified of change, will gather ...
Views: 69 - Live the Questions - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2018 from Sheryl PaulI recently came across the following in a book called “The Middle Passage” by James Hollis: “What the frightened individual wishes above all is the restoration of the sense of self which once worked. What the therapist knows is that the symptoms are helpful clues to the place of injury or ...
Views: 58 - When It's Time To Say Enough - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2018 from Sheryl PaulFor those of you who are struggling with relationship anxiety, you probably saw the title of this post and wondered if I was going to talk about when to leave a relationship, and perhaps felt nervous that it was going to spike you. But hopefully you have enough faith in my site that you know ...
Views: 75 - What If We Don't Have A Strong Enough Connection? - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2018 from Sheryl PaulThe following is from course member findingpeace28, who shared this on the e-course forum two weeks after her wedding. As soon as I read it, I knew had to share it with those of you struggling with relationship anxiety and, in particular, the connection spike, to offer you a lifeline of hope and ...
Views: 78 - Holy Fear - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWe hear and read a lot of fear these days in psychological and spiritual circles. Mostly, fear is painted in a negative way as the energy that we have to wrestle with and overcome in order to live a life of joy. Most of the statements and quotes we read about fear pin it in the position of the ...
Views: 58 - Take Back Your Gold - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2018 from Sheryl PaulLast Monday, after a typical Colorado October snowstorm, my sons and I drove into town to serve dinner to the homeless. Consistent with this time of year, the snow started to melt just hours after it fell, and what was left was a stunning display of beauty where the golds and reds of autumn ...
Views: 77 - World Anxiety - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOne of the byproducts of being a highly sensitive person prone to anxiety is that you tend to take on others’ pain and stories. This is particularly true if you had an enmeshed relationship with a parent growing up and didn’t learn to solidify the borders of your skin but instead became a porous ...
Views: 82 - Perfection and The Fear of Failure - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2018 from Sheryl Paul“It’s better to make a mistake with the full force of your being than to carefully avoid mistakes with a trembling spirit.” – Dan Millman, The Way of the Peaceful Warrior When I was in graduate school many ago, my classmates would often ask me how I was able to write papers so quickly and ...
Views: 87 - Where Anxiety Hangs Its Hat - by Submitted on Sep 06, 2018 from Sheryl PaulAnxiety can hang its hat on almost any hook. It can focus on relationships, fertility, parenting, health, the world, money, career, death. Within each of these topics, there are endless sub-topics that lure anxiety into its lair. If we’re talking about relationship anxiety, for example, the hook ...
Views: 157 - The Fear of Losing Control - by Submitted on Sep 06, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWhen we spiral down into the deeper layers of anxiety – whether relationship anxiety or any other form that anxiety takes – we find some universal root causes that live at the center. These exist on both the emotional and psychological/spiritual planes, and they all need our attention if we’re ...
Views: 93 - Breathe It In - by Submitted on Sep 06, 2018 from Sheryl PaulThese are words I find myself saying multiple times a day: to my clients, to my sons, to myself. Breathe it in. We see a prairie dog hit by a car lying on the side of the road. I turn to look at my son’s face to see if he sees it. As we live in a rural area, he’s learned over the years of ...
Views: 71 - The Rapture of Love - by Submitted on Sep 06, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWe long for rapture. We long to be transported to an otherworldly place where the problems that weigh heavily into our souls and the pain that pierces our hearts lift away, if only for a moment. We long to feel profoundly alive and deeply fulfilled. We long for ecstasy. Western culture ...
Views: 107 - Oh, So That's How You Love! - by Submitted on Sep 06, 2018 from Sheryl PaulThere have been countless times over the many years of my marriage when my husband will say something that makes me feel loved or do something that gets us back on track when we’ve been in a negative feedback loop and I’ll think, “Oh, so that’s how you love!” It could be something as small as ...
Views: 92 - Time to Get on With One's Loving - by Submitted on Sep 06, 2018 from Sheryl PaulIn response to one of the assignments in my Sacred Sexuality course to watch the film “Enchanted April”, a member of the forum shared the following. I was so moved by her response that I asked permission to share it here. She wrote: This film touched something deep inside me. After I watched ...
Views: 101 - The Critical Moment to Break Free From Anxiety - by Submitted on Sep 06, 2018 from Sheryl Paul“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Viktor E. Frankl If we could slow life down to micro-moments, if we could literally alter time like a movie turning it into sloooooow ...
Views: 100 - Intrusive Thought: "What if I Harm a Child?" (POCD) - by Submitted on Sep 06, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWhen the same thought, image, dream, or motif shows up across cultures and crosses all of our lines of classification (age, gender, geography, race, religion), we call it an archetype. For example, the dreams where you show up at school without your pants on or have forgotten to study for a test ...
Views: 58 - Caught in a Thought - by Submitted on Sep 06, 2018 from Sheryl PaulA coaching client recently shared the following (shared here with her permission): A few weeks ago, I found myself obsessively thinking about a situation with a friend of mine – someone to whom I’ve given my power for many years. I was completely caught by this theme and I couldn’t get out ...
Views: 98 - A 24-Hour Challenge - by Submitted on Sep 06, 2018 from Sheryl PaulIn 2008, shortly after we moved from Los Angeles to Denver with our two-year old son, I adopted a weekly ritual in honor of the Jewish sabbath: to shut down my computer for twenty-four hours. This was before the era of smartphones and before I was pouring my energy into my online business daily, ...
Views: 73 - What Should Love Feel Like? - by Submitted on Sep 06, 2018 from Sheryl PaulAt least once a week, a client asks, “I know that love isn’t all butterflies and fireworks, but what should it feel like? Since I’ve never seen a healthy relationship and I’ve never been in one, I have no idea what it should be like.” I usually balk at the word “should”, but I know what ...
Views: 119 - The One Essential Question that Lives Inside Relationship Anxiety - by Submitted on Aug 11, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOne of the most challenging elements of relationship anxiety to understand is that, if you’re in a healthy, loving relationship with no red flags, the anxiety is projection. This means that the parade of intrusive thoughts that tortures the anxious mind and sensitive soul are actually pointing ...
Views: 294 - It's Hard Being Human - by Submitted on Aug 11, 2018 from Sheryl PaulAt least once a day the phrase “it’s hard being human” enters my brain. It usually arrives on the heels of my sons arguing with each other and me trying to teach them how to communicate more effectively. As a result of feeling hurt, one will lash out at the other, and before we know it the great ...
Views: 113 - Who Sits at the Head of Your Table? - by Submitted on Aug 11, 2018 from Sheryl PaulIn last week’s post, I wrote about the essential task of attending to our four realms of Self in order to find wellness and equanimity, and that in order to do this we need to have a loving, competent and clear inner parent at the helm of psyche. Just as kids feel safe when there’s an attuned ...
Views: 144 - Loneliness is a Part of Life - by Submitted on Aug 11, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOne of the biggest obstacles to finding more wellness and equanimity is the belief that we shouldn’t be feeling what we’re feeling; that if we were more evolved or healed or with a different partner we wouldn’t feel so ________ (anxious, depressed, lonely, confused, empty, bored). Because we ...
Views: 119 - What is my Truth? - by Submitted on Aug 11, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOn the last round of Open Your Heart a participant asked: “So if I don’t trust these anxious thoughts then what can I trust? If my truth was really that we are not right for each other then how would I know if I am teaching myself not to listen when doubts arise?” And then she wisely ...
Views: 105 - Leaf in the Wind Syndrome - by Submitted on Aug 11, 2018 from Sheryl Paul“I’m always comparing my relationship to other people’s relationships. Why does everyone else look like they’re so in love?” “I have such a hard time making decisions. Sometimes I can’t even decide what to order at a restaurant!” “I worry about whether or not my family likes my partner. I ...
Views: 105 - What If I Make a Mistake? - by Submitted on Aug 11, 2018 from Sheryl PaulWhen my boys were learning how to write, they would freeze in their tracks for fear of making a spelling mistake. Their perfectionist tendencies were not a surprise to my husband and I – after all, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree – and it was both fascinating and painful to see how ...
Views: 118 - When Anxious, Start at the Beginning - by Submitted on Jul 27, 2018 from Sheryl PaulAnxiety is a messenger, a symptom, and a gift. I know that statement flies in the face of everything we learn about anxiety in a culture that is pathologically obsessed with eradicating shadow at every turn and consequently attempts to “get rid of” the symptom of anxiety as quickly and cleanly ...
Views: 176 - Am I Only With My Partner Because He Makes Me Feel Safe? - by Submitted on Jul 27, 2018 from Sheryl PaulThere are so many ways the ego tries to dismantle real love, and it’s favorite is to perseverate on a single question until it tires itself out, then jump to the next story. I’ve dissected many of these questions on this blog and in my courses, approaching each in the same way: name it as an ...
Views: 184 - When Love Makes You Flinch - by Submitted on Jul 27, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOne of the common fear-lines that arises when the ego is trying to deconstruct the idea of relationship anxiety and convince you that your truth is that you’re just with the wrong person is: “If what Sheryl says is true, why don’t more people talk about it?” It’s an understandable question, ...
Views: 192 - Conversations with my Seven Year Old: In the Fear Forest - by Submitted on Jul 27, 2018 from Sheryl PaulOne of the blessings of having a second child is that we, as parents, gain some skills by walking with the first one through predictable stages of growth, maturity, illness, and emotional challenges. When our firstborn had a high fever, we panicked. When the younger one has a fever, it’s old ...
Views: 142 - If I'm Calm Now Is It Still Relationship Anxiety? - by Submitted on Jul 27, 2018 from Sheryl PaulThere is often a predictable arc to relationship anxiety that includes three stages.* The first stage is characterized by typical symptoms of anxiety and panic: Can’t sleep Can’t eat Tearful Depressed Bolting awake in the middle of the night Difficulty functioning at work Fluttering ...
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