Will My Husband Cheat Again On Me: My Husband Cheated On Me

Probably the biggest concern that my readers face (wives whose husband have cheated) is the worry that he's going to do it again. I get so many emails that say things like: "is once a cheater always a cheater true?," "how do I know that he isn't going to cheat on me again?", or "how can I affair proof our marriage so that I never have to go through this again?" I'll answer these questions in the following article as well as outline the things that you (and he) can do to ensure that the cheating doesn't repeat.

Can You Give Me A 100% Guarantee That He Won't Cheat Again?: Often, when I dialog with women on this issue, I'll offer them tips and advice on how to ensure that their marriage is rock solid from here on out so that they don't have to worry incessantly about being in this same place again down the road. Often, they'll say things like: "sure, but how do I know these things are going to work?" or "yes, but how do I know that I'm not going to do everything right and, at the end of the day, he still won't be able to stay strong against temptation?"

The answer to these questions is that you don't know, but because of your (and his) actions, you can take a highly educated guess. Still, I really wish that I could draw up a 100% guarantee that if you followed everything I told you, you could be 100% certain that you'd never be here again. Unfortunately, it's not up to me. At some point, if you want a happy and secure marriage in the future, you will have to eventually trust this man again. I understand that is horribly scary. I understand how uncomfortable it feels to be vulnerable. But, I also know that it's necessary to get where you want to go. And there are several things that you can do to greatly lessen the chances that he will cheat again. I'll outline them below.

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Make Sure That He Knows Exactly How Much This Has Shaken You: A husband who feels the pain and betrayal that his wife feels after his cheating will often not want to ever feel this type of pain again. It's so important that you don't sugar coat the fall out for him. While I don't advocate punishing him or lashing out just for the sake of it, I do advocate sitting him down and letting him on the pain and confusion that you are feeling. He needs to know exactly what he's done. He needs to understand that this unfortunate and temporary lack of judgment could cost him everything. Because by doing so, you're ensuring that he will remember this awful place in the future so that he won't want to repeat.

Now, you do have to walk a fine line here. You don't want to completely alienate him or get in the habit of punishing him on a continual basis. But, you can calmly and rationally lay it out for him so that he fully understands that yes, there are HUGE negative repercussions for his actions.

Sometimes people will ask me if they should have their own affair to show their husband how this feels. My answer is always no. Engaging in behavior that is beneath you is only going to confuse you and heap more negative feelings onto what is already a very difficult time.

Get To The Bottom Of Why This Happened And Put Up Roadblocks From It Happening Again: It's very important that you do the detective work necessary to figure out what left your husband or your marriage vulnerable. Then, you must dissect these things one by one and fix them. Often, men cheat because they are unsure about themselves or they have self esteem issues mixed in with poor impulse control. Sometimes, they are allowed to engage in risky behavior which is just too tempting to pass up. Or, other times, there were some vulnerabilities in your marriage that put them in the right place at the right time.

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No matter which of these issues (or combination of them) gave rise to the affair, you truly can not really be secure in your marriage or your husband's future fidelity until you know that you've successful removed all the land mines that could cause it to happen again. This often takes quite a while. And, the discussions that are sometimes necessary for this can be painful. Brutal honesty is necessary. But, the payoff is huge because it can give you the confidence that you need to trust again.

Accountability And Reliability Are Important Pieces Of The Puzzle: I can not tell you how important it is that your husband become very transparent. There can be no secrets, no off limits pass words, emails, or cell phones. He must be where he says he's going to be, at least while you are healing. He must be willing to check in regularly and be very generous with the reassurance. He has to understand what he's asking of you and then responding in kind.

He's betrayed your trust and left you badly shaken and now he's asking you to take a chance and to let him back in. He must know what a difficult thing this is and in response, he must do whatever he can to lighten your load. He must understand this his computer, cell phone, car, and any place else where he's hidden his cheating must be completely available to you now. This will give you some peace of mind and this will let him know that since it's not so easy to get away with anything this time, why even bother?

I hope that I've shown you that there are many things that you can do so that you don't have to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life. Don't stop until you have what you need to heal - to your complete and total satisfaction. Once you do, the doubts that are plaguing you right now should eventually start to abate.

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One of the biggest reasons that marriages fail is that somebody has an affair. There is no doubt that when this happens it can be hard to get past, it does however not necessarily have to end the marriage. If you and your partner are committed to working on your relationship it is possible to stay together.

The first thing that you are going to have to do after your partner has had an affair is to decide if you really want to stay together. It is possible to save the marriage after an affair but it is not easy. You will need to take some time to make sure that you really want to put in the work. It is also important to make sure that your partner wants to stay together, if they are not willing to change their behavior then chances are pretty good that they will cheat again.

The next thing that you are going to have to do if you are going to survive an affair is think about why it happened. This can be a painful process but it has to be done. You may want to blame the person who cheated for everything that happened but the reality is that they cheated for a reason. You will need to find out what that reason was and work on it. This of course does not excuse the affair but you do have to acknowledge that your partner clearly is not getting something they need out of the marriage.

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The next step in getting over an affair is probably the hardest, you are going to have to forgive your partner. It is not enough to say that you forgive them, you actually have to mean it. This is not easy to do, an affair is after all a major betrayal, but there is no chance that you will be able to move past it if you can't honestly forgive. You will never have a strong relationship if you can't trust your partner and you will not be able to do that as long as you still blame them for what happened.

The last part of rebuilding your relationship after an affair is to work on the trust issues. This is going to take time so don't try to rush it. Over time you will slowly be able to start to trust your partner again, this is when things will start to return to normal. It is also important that your partner know that you trust them, if not there is a pretty good chance that the marriage will not last. Trust is the most important thing in any marriage, if you can't rebuild it there is little chance that you will be able to save the relationship.

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What men want in a woman is someone who knows how to use their ears. Obviously what I'm referring to is listening. But hold on... isn't the man usually the one who gets in trouble for not listening? Why shouldn't men be given this mark of respect too? Only because we mess around, act silly and say stupid things, doesn't mean that we don't deserve your attention either. I know that when my wife doesn't listen to me, I get annoyed too. Do you hate how you have to repeat yourself? Guess what? Men do too. Here's how to listen to men.

1. He Talks Like You

The common belief is that women talk in code. They say something, but mean something else. That, or they say something and imply something else that comes a bit later in the chain of logic.

Us men do it as well. We might say something, but mean something else too. Not all guys are direct about sex, for example. We like to play your "implication game" as much as you do. Listen up and you'll get onto our wavelength.

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2. Repeat His Rubbish

What you might consider rubbish talk from a man, i.e. stuff about sport, babes, etc. is actually stuff that we care about. We said it on our own accord, didn't we?

If you constantly turn your nose up at it, fine. We don't care that it displeases you. But if you jump in occasionally and show that you can be one of the guys, you might just take him off guard and show that you are listening to stuff that he cares about.

3. Our Schedule

Something that particularly drives me up with wall with regards to my wife is that she forgets when I have certain things on. They can be work-related things or social events.

She sometimes plans things just with me and her and when she finds out that they clash with my events, she gets upset. I always make an effort to tell her early. If she simply listened and wrote it down, she wouldn't be that upset.

What men want in a woman is someone who learns how to listen to her man. We might not say much and when we do talk, it might predominantly be rubbish, but we want to be listened to just as much as you do, if not more. Demonstrate that you are listening and your man will appreciate you all that much more.

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Men, you know better, yet you still do it. You still offer women suggestions without first asking if they want it. Why? You know about gender differences. You know it's not helpful for your relationships.

You've seen the cartoons of a woman complaining how a man wants to fix her problem, when all she wants is empathy. Whether the problem is her boss, a bad hair cut, or an overheated radiator, a woman shares her feelings in order to feel validated and heard. Men hear her comments as a call for a solution.

Barry and Tina, who have lived together for four years, sit in my office talking about a recent spat. Tina says, "My daughter wrote me that she was angry at me and didn't want to talk with me for a while. I was devastated. When I told Barry, he immediately said, 'Write back and tell her ....' I cut him off; whatever he was going to say would only make me more upset. I was already feeling unloved by my daughter and now he does this to me."

Before I open my mouth, Barry teases, "I know, I know. We men always give suggestions, and you women just want us to listen."

Barry knows that. You know that, too. In fact, you probably make your own jokes about how men give suggestions when women only want support. Yet, you still do it. Why?

Barry was teasing, but Tina wasn't smiling. "Help me understand," I say to him. "You know Tina gets upset every time this happens, yet you keep doing it."

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"It's hard to change. It's hard to remember. No, it's more than that. I want to feel helpful. I care about her, and if I don't offer her a suggestion, I feel I'm letting her down."

"But," I push on, "you also just said you know that's not what she wants. So, it's like force-feeding chocolate, that you love, to someone who's allergic to it."

"Yeah. I can see that, but," he hesitates. "I know it makes no sense. Tina has even told me if I want to be helpful, I should ask her if she wants a suggestion. I hear her say that; it sounds so reasonable, but I don't know. I just don't think about it at the time."

Tina sits forward to speak; her voice has an edge. "Doesn't it occur to you that I'm smart enough to come up with my own suggestions - once I've vented? Sorry to break it to you, but your suggestions aren't so earth-shattering. Of course I can figure out what to do. I get a double whammy; one, your not there for me, and two, you insult me by implying I'm too stupid to figure out what to do."

"Then fine," he snaps. "From now on, I'll just shut up. You can solve all your problems yourself."

"You don't get it," her voice rises. "I don't want you to shut up anymore than I want your unsolicited suggestions. I want to feel you care that I'm upset, that you love me, that you have a big enough shoulder for me at these moments when I need it." Then her voice softens. "I don't want to feel bad for needing your shoulder, and I don't want to feel stupid that I can't solve my own problems."

This conversation occurs all across the country. Men, what happens that you don't use what you know? That you can't just listen and be empathic? Or, as Tina proposes, ask if the woman wants a suggestion?

Barry says it's hard to change. But, if the reward is big enough, it's worth the effort. You can be assured the women in your life will reward your effort by their abundant gratitude.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Author's Bio: 

50% of people divorce. Do not be another statistic. You Can Save Your Marriage These powerful techniques will allow you to trust again and ignite the fire and passion back into your relationship. Save Your marriage today! Click Here

Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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